Ask Dr. Zoe - My Fiancé Ignored My Feelings—Should I Stay?

‘Nikki’ Asked:

We moved to a new city 3 years ago for my fiancé’s career and I am not happy with the area. We are not near family or friends… all are hours away. I have expressed that I am unhappy and he too is not but says it’s where we need to be. Should I consider moving back on my own since he is not considering my feelings and happiness?

Dr. Zoe Answered:

I never condone acting as if you are married before you are. Rarely does anything good come from this. I started to answer as if you were married, then re-read the question and realized that you weren’t.

If he were your husband, I would tell you that your marriage vows are not geographically contingent. Choosing to leave your husband is not being committed to your marriage. I would have given you a lot of other tips on how to address this with him… but you are not married.

A three-year fiancé is not any more committed than a boyfriend. An engagement is a spoken intent to commit, not an actual commitment. So, the good news is that you can and should do whatever you want to do!

It’s clear that it’s more important for him to stay even though he knows you are unhappy. But you said he’s not happy there either, which means he’s also willing to sacrifice his own current happiness for the benefit of his career. And maybe that’s a good move at this point in his life. You’ve got to decide if you can deal with that. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it may mean that you aren’t compatible if your goals and priorities are not aligned.

Apparently, it’s becoming more important for you to leave than to stay. So that is what you should do. Then, see if your relationship can sustain long-distance.

What I don’t suggest is that you stay and commit to a life plan with which you aren’t aligned for a relationship that isn’t fully committed. That will only wreak havoc on both of you.

Sit down with him and be honest about where you are right now. Come up with a plan that you can both feel comfortable with or choose to go back and work on the relationship from a distance. These life choices are not easy, but staying and being resentful is even harder.

You’ve got this. It just takes a little grit and grace.