How to Spot a Green-Flag Man

About three years into widowhood, I thought, “You know, maybe I could get married again.” And so I entered the dating arena—slightly terrified and very much out of practice.

The dates I ventured out on started with coffee, and then expanded to dinner, a movie, a hike, browsing around in the great outdoors. And it was fun until it wasn’t, when red warning flags started waving every which way.

We women tend to do one of three things with the fluttering red flags (and I’m guilty of this): We either a) don’t recognize the warning; b) compromise by saying, “I can live with that;” or c) mistakenly think we can change the man.

After the dating dust settled, I decided I was quite content as a single, thank you. My kids and grandkids included me in their lives. My deceased husband’s family considered me part of their clan. As a single woman, I had the freedom to say yes to the invitations for adventure with friends. Plus, I had all the time in the world to pursue writing.

After bulldozing the idea of dating and remarrying, along came Shower Truck Guy, a.k.a., Dan. He was one of two men who designed and built a shower truck that provides hot showers for the homeless in our town. I interviewed him for a story about the truck and its ministry, and then our conversation took a right turn into the life events we held in common—cancer caregiving, death of a spouse, and the accompanying grief.

It didn’t take long for Dan to invite me hiking and snowshoeing with him in the nearby Cascade Mountains. I loved the friendship we were building along the trails. There was no pressure for this to be anything other than two people enjoying each other and God’s magnificent creation together.

And then things started ramping up, and it scared me. Because now I’m older and wiser. The first time I married as a much younger woman, I had no idea what I was getting into. My first husband was kind and loved me well, which made it easy to deeply respect and love him back. But from my older, wiser perspective, there’s so much we don’t know about the other person when we make a commitment to love and cherish ‘til death do us part.

8 Ways to Spot a Green Flag Man

Looking back, Dan was waving a number of green flags that I didn’t recognize at first. In case your eyes need to be opened to see if there’s a green-flag man hanging around trying to get your attention, here are a few of Dan’s attributes worth noticing in a potential new love:

1. Christ-follower.

This was the most important quality to me. I could tell from the beginning that Dan’s faith was genuine. He lived out his beliefs in so many practical ways (some are listed below), and when he prayed, he was having an authentic conversation with God.

2. Thoughtfulness.

Dan and I trekked into the mountains numerous times where we unwrapped sandwiches, peeled oranges, and crunched on granola bars. Knowing how much I enjoy chai lattes, this man had purchased a canister of the powdered version. He took the time to heat up milk and make chai to fill his thermos before every hike and snowshoe trek. How thoughtful is that?!

3. Gentlemanly-ness.

Each time Dan invited me someplace—either on an outdoor adventure, or to dinner, or a concert—he didn’t ask if I wanted to meet him there. Instead, he always said, “I’ll pick you up.” I appreciated being treated like someone who was valuable to him.

4. Family man.

I love that Dan had a good connection with his kids, kids-in-law, grandkids, and siblings. These are the people who know him best, and the fact that the relationships are strong and solid speaks much about the man.

5. Vulnerability.

Back when I first interviewed Dan for the shower truck story, he tried—unsuccessfully—to hold back the tears when he talked about his deceased wife. I viewed it as courage. To talk about his wife with a woman he’d just met (me), knowing it would produce tears—that takes vulnerability. And vulnerability is strength and courage in disguise.

6. In service to others.

Dan is the man in our church who the lovely older people call, especially widows, when something is leaking, or won’t start, or isn’t working. He enjoys helping people. He’s quick to respond to any call for help.

7. Enjoyment of common activities.

We both enjoy outdoor play—hiking, snowshoeing, kayaking, camping, stand-up paddleboarding, and back-country roads on his motorcycle. Another green flag, because how fun is it to have this commonality and experience these things together?!

8. Good sense of humor.

Dan makes me laugh. And keeps me laughing. I love it when he juts out his lower lip and gives me the puppy dog eyes if he wants, say, an extra dessert. “You are such a little boy,” I exclaim, and he nods his head with a grin.

When we’re younger, there can be a tendency to place more value on outward appearances. But there are so many more important characteristics than handsome-ness or hunky-ness. The outward will fade soon enough, but green-flag qualities will stand the test of time. And the more green, the better. Because if the guy only has a good sense of humor, for example, and none of the other characteristics, there’s good reason to respond with disinterest.

But… there could be a man within your circle of friends and acquaintances who you’ve not noticed. Because he quietly serves. Because he doesn’t need to be the center of attention. But if he’s sporting green flags without the intention of bringing honor to himself as Dan does, then run. Run toward that man.

Your Green-Flag Man May Become Your Checkered-Flag Man

I almost missed Dan. In all my reasons to remain single after those earlier dating experiences, I almost let fear dictate that I stay in a safe place. Singlehood was what I knew. It felt secure and comfortable.

But my eyes finally opened to all the startling green flags that were waving right in front of me. And so I stepped out with courage and an open heart toward Dan. And my life now is so much fuller and love-filled, so much more fun and adventurous.

Green-flag man turned into checkered-flag man, waving me across the finish line as I walked down a grassy aisle beside a clear and cold river to take his hands and promise “I do.”

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Maybe you’re in a committed dating relationship. Depending on how long you’ve been together, there’s a chance some worrying behaviors are being eclipsed by rose-colored lenses. Read this article to know if you need to take a closer look at your beau: Are You Settling for a Red Flag Guy?