Ask Dr. Zoe-My Boyfriend Promises We’ll Get Married But Nothing Has Happened

‘Bianca’ asked:

Hi Dr. Zoe,

My girlfriend sent me your “when he hasn’t proposed” article and it really gave me some clarity, but I’m still having trouble sorting out my feelings. Because my boyfriend promises we’ll get married but nothing has happened.

In February, it will be my two-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I’m sad he hasn’t proposed yet, and I have spoken to him more than once. He’s told me he’s making plans and wants to surprise me. I feel like I’ve been hearing that for 6 months.

We’ve lived together for a year and I went through a job loss just after moving in together. He’s fully supported me & my 3 children until recently. I’m so torn because I while I see what he’s done for me & appreciate it, I want to get married. We spend holidays together with our families. My children love him. It’s been 12 years since he’s been married & he was engaged maybe a few years ago.

Am I holding on to false hope?

Dr. Zoe answered:

Bianca,

You have three children, so that tells me you are deep into adulting. You have a boyfriend who has also already been married and is deep into adulting. You have been together for long enough for him to know if he wants to marry you or not.

If he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed already. It’s that simple. So, he doesn’t want to marry you. That’s clear. The question is why? Either he has no interest in marrying you at all and is stringing you along (you mentioned he had another engagement years ago) OR he has interest in marrying you, but you are playing wife already and so he has no motivation to marry you because he’s already getting all the benefits. Additionally, he is playing husband and is fully supporting you and your children, so he likely has no fear that he needs to make a greater commitment to avoid losing you.

You are in a conundrum. My best advice is to extricate yourself from this situation. Begin working towards fully supporting yourself and your children and lovingly give him a timeline of no more than 6 months. Let him know clearly that you love him and desire to be his wife, but you also love yourself, and you have a timeline for when you see yourself married, committed, and settled down. You can understand if your timelines don’t match, but if that is the case, you will have to move on.

Only do this if you are willing to do the hard thing of moving on.

To answer your question, you are not holding on to false hope unless you let this continue. If you allow this to continue past another 6 months, you are teaching him clearly that he doesn’t really need to put a ring on your finger.

I know that may have been hard to hear, but it’s difficult to see things clearly when you are in the woods. Clarity is kindness and I wish all the best things for you and your children.

You can do hard things. You’ve got this!