How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You
As the year dwindles, I’m holding tightly to the moments in the car on the way to and from school each day. This is the last semester I will be driving him to school, not only will I not get to spend that added time with him, but I’m going to miss the talks we have in the car. When my teen gets in the car, he starts talking—not one-word answers or incomprehensible sounds, but full-on talking until we get home. We’ve worked on our relationship together to be able to communicate better.
As a mom, there are times I want to fix all his problems, but I’ve found that most of the time he just wants a sounding board. He wants someone to listen and not judge, someone to listen and not try to fix things. He’s confided his secrets and also his dreams. Being able to communicate with my son is priceless to me, especially when I hear daily how other parents are struggling with getting their kids to say something other than “I’m hungry.”
“Mom, guess what happened at school today?” This question starts a 15-minute monologue from my teen. As we start to ascend the hill before our driveway he begins to wrap up his story of his day. Some days his day is just mundane, and other days the commentary is more colorful. Sometimes those hard conversations where you don’t know how or what to say can happen on those drives.
How to Get Your Teen to Talk to You: L-I-S-T-E-N
Listening has helped me to build a better relationship with him. One with open communication and reciprocated benefits. I had to learn how to L-I-S-T-E-N.
L – Look at them. Whether it’s in the rearview mirror or facing them while together on the couch, put the phone down, turn the TV off, and give them your full attention. I’ve been late to many things because I stopped what I was doing to give him my full attention, but he knows that when he talks, I listen. Even when it’s about cars and stuff I don’t understand.
I – Inquire as much as possible. My son is a gearhead and loves to talk about cars to me. I’m not well-versed in the subject but have learned a lot in the few years that it’s been his biggest passion. I share articles with him, and we discuss them. It helps me be more relevant to him and interested in his passions. He asks me about my writing and what I’m studying—it’s a two-way street.
S – Silence from you helps you to listen. Be the sounding board. Don’t always offer advice or try to fix their problems. Let your children know that it’s OK to just come talk about things. Nine times out of 10, just being there for them and actively listening—not offering advice or solutions—helps them to figure out their problems. If it’s something big, they may ask you for advice, and at that point you can tell them what you think. No one wants to talk to someone who is always giving unsolicited advice. It comes across as nagging and annoying.
T – Try to remember being a teen. We all grew up before smartphones and social media. (Thank goodness!) I remind myself often that when I did stupid things, we didn’t have the added pressure of the world watching our every move. When they share things they or their friends are experiencing, think about it from the teen’s perspective before you speak. Think back to something similar that happened when you were a teen.
They are going to do dumb things, they are going to mess up, and your responses determine whether you ever find out about it. Being a teen in the ’90s before social media and a worldwide pandemic that changed the world forever was hard—imagine it now.
E – Encourage and engage your child. Encourage them to talk by engaging with them in their interests as well as by asking open-ended questions. Try avoiding questions that would elicit only yes and no responses. Instead of “How was your day?” ask “What’s one funny thing that happened today?” or “What or who made you smile today?” this usually leads to something off the wall, and that ice breaker opens the floodgates.
N – No-judgment zone. “Mom, I need to tell you something, but I don’t want you to be mad.” When those words come out of their mouths, brace yourself. Brace yourself for what may come out next. Remind yourself that your child feels comfortable enough to share their experience.
My husband doesn’t get the same reaction in the car. He says if he picks him up, he gets “Hey, good day” followed by silence. I remind my husband to listen to him when he talks and ask questions other than “how was your day?”.
To get those open lines of communication, be prepared to do more listening than speaking.
To get those open lines of communication, be prepared to do more listening than speaking, less fixing and more praying.
Each time a hard conversation or situation comes up, my son knows he can talk to me. I’ll listen, even though that sometimes means listening to things that are hard or don’t interest me but that are important to him. Be ready to listen more, speak less, and be slow to get angry (James 1:19). Keeping my mouth shut at times is hard, but having my teen talk to me is priceless. Each day when I savor that ride home I remind myself to L-I-S-T-E-N even if it means biting my tongue.
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Still wondering how to get your teen to talk to you? You’ll get some more great tips in this podcast episode with bestselling author and speaker Jerusha Clark: How Can I Connect and Communicate with My Teenager Better? with Jerusha Clark – 182
