Why It’s No Good to Keep Score in Your Marriage
My husband has one big rule for our marriage. Babe, if you’re reading this, I know you’d say it’s not a rule—perhaps more of a guideline. But for me, it’s a rule. If I don’t follow it, I go down an extremely unhealthy path, and I know it. So here’s the best “rule” or “guideline” I’ve ever heard for a husband-wife relationship: don’t keep score.
No healthy relationship is seen as a game. The only reason you’d keep score is if it’s a game of some sort, and if you’re serious about it, you’d better not call it a game. Right? You might follow up with the fact that keeping a record of rights or wrongs is just not a good idea. Let’s ask a few questions about this concept…because I think it’s important.
If you happen to “win,” what are you actually winning?
The game of who does more laundry? Or who gives more meaningful compliments? Is that a worthwhile competition? Why or why not? (I’m guessing it’s why not.)
What are your “winner’s” criteria?
Who was the last one to load the dishwasher? Maybe he had a lot on his mind from a tough day at work, or he gets tired of you re-loading it when he’s done. Or is the criteria which one of you usually texts the other one first? All that leads to is fear of not being loved enough, or inaccurately thinking that you love the other person more, just because you send more messages.
What’s the prize?
Getting to taunt your other half about how you changed more diapers this week? Or likely being shunned because you’re on your high horse about how you always clean the toilets? That’s not a very good prize.
What if we shifted our thinking toward loving our spouses as well as we can, as often as we can?
Instead of waiting around to receive love in the way that we’re expecting, maybe we should consider showing them love in the best way we know how; whatever that is. It’s always a good idea to know how your spouse best receives love from you, and how you best receive love from them. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a great place to start if you don’t know each other’s “love languages.” Taking the initiative to show love first, no matter the circumstances, can’t end poorly. Being the first to say, “I love you!” when communication is hard, or the first to forgive after an argument might feel like a submission, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Usually, it shows that you’re willing to work and sacrifice to strive for health in the relationship. That’s what marriage is: work and sacrifice. Love comes first and is quickly followed by commitment—often a matter of the mind rather than a matter of the heart. You keep choosing love over fear, anger or hurt feelings every single day.
There are always possible scenarios when we need to have a sit-down about issues that don’t seem to be resolving themselves. There are always times that bringing our feelings calmly to the table is the only way to move on from a hard season. But if we stop keeping score, stop trying to play a game of little chores completed and well-meaning jabs delivered, those bigger issues might appear less and less. And who knows, being the first one to show love, forgive, and forget might make your spouse feel more comfortable doing the same in the future.
You’ll enjoy this episode of our podcast where we talk about common struggles couples deal with: Is it Time for Counseling? A Therapist Helps You Decide (with Dr. Zoe Shaw) – 004.
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You’ll also like How the 5 Love Languages Can Change Your Relationship, 5 Ways You Can Revive a Stale Marriage, Take It Easy—On Your Man, When Opposites Stop Being So Attractive, Remember This When You Take Your Marriage For Granted, and How to Make a Happy Marriage, From a Divorced Single Mom.
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