For years, I’ve watched loved ones destroy themselves with alcohol. Cannabis. Scrolling. Disordered Eating. Over-exercising. Toxic relationships. The list goes on and on.
If we’ve been around for any length of time on this planet, we will love someone who is self-destructing, who isn’t treating themselves or their bodies with care. It is excruciating and we can feel so powerless, wanting to help but not know how. Or even if we should.
The person who isn’t loving themselves and leading an unhealthy life, might even be us.
If you’re here right now, having a tough time standing by as your loved one is hurting or maybe as you are hurting yourself, let me say this: You are not alone.
Loving someone who’s living an unhealthy life is one of the toughest acts of grace. It stretches our hearts and tests our faith. Whether it is an addiction, toxic relationship, self-harm, or something they (or you) won’t even admit is a problem.
Whatever it is, it can be painful and leave us wondering what to do. But there is hope and ways that we can help.
6 Ways to Show Up When Someone You Love Is Leading an Unhealthy Life
1. Start With Compassion, Not Control
When someone we love is making harmful and unhealthy choices, the natural instinct is to try to fix it. We might give advice, set ultimatums, or maybe even try to guilt them or use scare tactics. But here’s the hard truth:
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change.
One of my family members struggled with alcoholism for years. I couldn’t change it, but I could continue to love them unconditionally and lead by example. Just living my own life, alcohol-free, gave them an example of someone who could do life without alcohol. Even though they never stopped their drinking, I could still have compassion.
We can love our people with healthy compassion, without trying to control their journey, no matter what the outcome is.
Healthy compassion looks like:
Listening without judgment
Speaking truth in love (not fear)
Refusing to enable their behavior
Creating space for them to be responsible for their choices
This isn’t easy. But it’s the kind of love that I believe heals in the long run. I love what scripture says about this too:
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” – 1 Peter 4:8
2. Set Boundaries That Protect Your Peace
Boundaries are not about punishment, they’re about protection. When someone you love is caught in addiction, dysfunction, or destructive choices, it’s easy for their chaos to become your chaos. But we don’t have to let how our loved one is living impact our own lives.
Boundaries say:
“I love you, but I need to love myself too.”
“I’m here for you, but I can’t .”
“You’re always welcome in my life, but only if you respect my choices.”
Boundaries are love in action. They allow us to stay connected while also staying safe (and sane). Without them, resentment grows, enabling continues, and everyone can stay stuck.
If you’re unsure where to start with setting your own boundaries, consider journaling or praying through these questions:
What behaviors are crossing my boundaries?
What do I need to feel emotionally safe?
How can I communicate my limits with kindness and clarity?
3. Speak the Truth in Love
Sometimes we think loving well means staying quiet, not “rocking the boat,” or avoiding confrontation. But silence can often send the message that the behavior is OK, or worse, invisible.
Speaking up doesn’t mean being harsh. It means being honest. We can speak the truth in love, boldly and with compassion.
Let them know:
“I see you hurting, and it hurts me too.”
“I miss the real you underneath all of this.”
“You’re worth so much more than this pain.”
Your voice may be the seed that grows into change, even if it takes time.
“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” — Ephesians 4:15
4. Support Without Saving
If you’ve ever said, “If I just love them enough, maybe they’ll stop,” you’re not alone. That belief is common… and dangerous. Because loving someone doesn’t mean saving them.
Only God can save a soul. Only they can choose healing. Unfortunately, we cannot do the hard work of getting healthy or living healthy for our loved ones.
Our role?
I love what a friend said to me once: “Be a lighthouse, not a lifeboat.”
A lighthouse shines and offers light and direction. But it doesn’t jump into the storm. It doesn’t chase the ship down. It stands firm, clear, and grounded.
“Be a lighthouse, not a lifeboat.”
In my own journey, I’ve spent many years making unhealthy choices and living a life in a way that wasn’t honoring to God. But I had people in my life, specifically older women, who showed me (and still show me today) what living a holy life means. It isn’t perfect, but it is one that runs after Jesus. With the support of others. I’m so grateful for them being lighthouses in my life.
Let your love reflect that steady kind of light. We can be close to our loved ones, and still understand that it is up to them to change.
We can say: “You are loved. You are seen. You are not alone.” And this unconditional support might just show them a glimpse of the grace that is already theirs.
5. Find Your Own Healing
When someone you love is in crisis, it can feel like your own life is put on pause. But your healing matters too. In fact, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Invest in your health (physical, mental, and/or spiritual):
Join a support group (like Al-Anon or Celebrate Recovery) or small group at your church
Talk with a counselor or spiritual mentor
Spend time in prayer and journaling
Set aside time for joy, rest, and connection with healthy friends and other loved ones
You may be carrying guilt, fear, exhaustion, or shame. Our wounds need tending too.
And it is okay to prioritize our own health, even if our loved one is not ready to prioritize theirs.
6. Know When to Let Go (Without Giving Up)
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is release someone to their own consequences.
This might look like:
No longer cleaning up their messes
Saying no to bailing them out again
Stepping back when they refuse help
It’s one of the hardest decisions you’ll ever make. But letting go doesn’t mean abandoning hope. It means you’re trusting God more than your own strength. It isn’t turning your back on your loved one or never seeing or speaking with them again, but it might be setting up a new boundary that respects your needs.
And in that space of surrender, miracles often begin. We can be still and know that God is in control.
This verse always gives me comfort: “Be still and know that I am God.” – Psalm 46:10
We can let go of the need to be the hero or savior of our loved one. We can trust the true Healer.
You Are Not Alone In This
If you’re walking this road right now, take heart. This is hard. But you are stronger than you think and you don’t have to do this alone.
There is hope for your loved one. And there is hope for you.
Even in the struggle of loving someone who is hurting and unhealthy, healing is possible. One boundary, one prayer, one step at a time.
— We can only do so much by ourselves in the throes of addiction, whether ours or that of someone we love. But once God comes into the picture, he meets us where we are, and everything begins to shift:Change Happens When God Is in Your Addiction Recovery
Caroline Beidler, MSW, is an author, speaker, and the managing editor of Recovery.com, a company that combines independent research with expert guidance on addiction and mental health treatment. She is the author of three books: "Downstairs Church," "You Are Not Your Trauma," and "When You Love Someone in Recovery: A Hopeful Guide for Understanding Addiction" with Nelson Books, coming spring 2026. Her own lived experience in addiction, mental health, and trauma recovery inspires her to help others find and sustain recovery.
She is building a global network of recovery supporters through her storytelling platform and accompanying newsletter, Circle of Chairs, that reaches thousands weekly. She is a creative and visionary, founding the Women’s Recovery Leadership Foundation, along with co-leading a global research initiative on family recovery with leaders around the world.
Her writing is described as funny, gritty, relatable, and insightful. When she isn’t writing, speaking, or building community, Caroline lives in Eastern Tennessee with her husband and 7-year-old twins. She enjoys hiking in the mountains and building up her community’s local recovery ministry.
