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Ask Dr. Zoe – Embrace Confrontation, Even When You Fear Rejection

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‘Worship Band’ Asked:

I sing in the worship band at my church. I was convinced to join by a friend who noticed me confidently singing all the words at practice. The leader agreed that I was a good fit. Fast forward two years and I’m still singing about once per month in the worship band. Often there are weeks when the leader is singing by himself without backup. And I know the other two backup singers besides me have told him they are unavailable. I can’t help wondering why the leader doesn’t ask me to sing more often. And I kept thinking he’d rather have no one than me and that he thinks the other singers are better than me. I don’t know how to approach the subject with him. So I end up just brooding about it and feeling jealous. Please help.

Dr. Zoe Answered:

Dear Worship Band,

You are asking a great question, but to the wrong person. Of course you are brooding about this. I would be too! But brooding about a situation when the person who has the answer is right in front of you is the biggest waste of emotional energy and time. The best way to get your answer is to be as direct as possible. Simply ask the hard question. Let him know that you noticed that he doesn’t ask you to sing even when the others aren’t available and ask him why that is.

Sometimes it’s hard to assert ourselves as women, but when we don’t ask the difficult questions, we tend to make more problems for ourselves and our relationships.

You are feeling jealous, frustrated, and angry because you made up a story about your situation, which may or may not be true. Are you truly not being appreciated and valued or is he making an assumption that you don’t want that role? Stop making up stories. I promise you will feel relieved when you get the real answer from him. And if he is vague, press for clarity. Once you get your answer, you can make a decision about your next step. And whatever you choose to do, your reaction will be based on what is real, not imagined.

You’ve got this! It just takes a little grit and grace (hugs).

Dr. Zoe


To hear more from Dr. Zoe, listen to this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Is it Time for Counseling? A Therapist Helps You Decide (with Dr. Zoe Shaw) – 004!

Read what some of our writers have to say about communication and being assertive: Why You Should Just Have That Hard Conversation (And How to Do It)3 Ways Positive Self-Talk Can Improve Your LifeHave a Problem at Work? Go Direct and Talk About It!, A Woman’s Grit Is Her Biggest Asset for Successand How Self-Awareness Will Make You Successful.
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Dr. Zoe is a licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert who recently jumped out of a perfectly good plane just for the experience.

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