Ask Dr. Zoe – I’m Disappointed My Teen Daughter Is Having Sex. What Should I Say to Her?

‘Sister’ asked:

Dear Dr. Zoe,

My 20-year-old teen daughter is having sex. She lost her virginity at 17 1/2 years old. She is now on her fourth boyfriend and I believe is having sex with him, meaning she has had sex with four boys now.

I’m a Christian woman and had high expectations, so when she lost her virginity, I was so broken. And when she recently told me she had sex with the last two boyfriends, I couldn’t believe it. And now I’m sure she’s having sex with her new boyfriend. father knows about the first boy she was with but not the rest. He would be so hurt as a father. She is our only daughter and we have always shown her love.

For the past 11 years, her father has been sick, so he doesn’t do anything physical with her, although he does tell her she’s beautiful and he loves her. Sometimes we say she has daddy issues and that’s why she sleeps with her boyfriends.

I’m so sad for her that she doesn’t honor her body and say ‘no.’ I’m also a 53-year-old woman who no longer enjoys sex; I believe it’s because I’m currently going through menopause. My question is: What do I tell her about all these experiences she’s having with different guys and how is it affecting her emotionally and physically!?

Dr. Zoe answered:

It is so painful to watch our children make choices that are different from those we would make, especially when we believe that they are harming themselves or going against values we hold strongly.

You mentioned you had high expectations. Expectations of what? That she would remain a virgin until she was married? Or is there something else that you are disappointed in with her life?

She’s 20. She has so much life ahead of her, and most of us have to make some pretty big mistakes before we gain the wisdom that you have at 53. She’s making them and figuring it out.

I don’t subscribe to the belief that the only reason why a woman would want to be sexual with a man outside of marriage is because she has daddy issues. We often want there to be something to blame when our kids stray from our teachings. She may have daddy issues, but from the loving relationship you have described that she has with her father, her choices are more likely a result of having lived in this society for 20 years, which is unfortunately a much louder and more vocal teacher than you or the church have been.

I’m guessing you have taught her all the things, and she is not confused about where you stand on the issue of premarital sex. I’m not sure you need to tell her anything more, but instead, just love and accept her where she is. If there are opportune times to talk about your concern for her mental, physical and spiritual health and that she is practicing safe sex, take the opportunity, as long as you are not shaming and nonjudgmental. That’s a bit of a tightrope to walk, but you can do it!

Keep your expectations high for your daughter. This isn’t the end of her life. And just so you know, she has a few more mistakes to make, but you’ve likely done a good job raising her. The barometer for that is not the status of her virginity, by the way.

Transitioning from parenting young children, who we expect to abide by our rules, to parenting adult children who will make their own choices, can be a very disrupting experience. I know, I’ve been there! It’s hard to know when to speak up and when to stay silent. It’s hard to figure out how to transition from an authority figure who must be obeyed to a mentor and friend. I encourage you to follow Pamela Henkelman, a Christian Empty Nest Coach, who specializes in helping Christian moms of adult children navigate a healthy relationship with their child when they have strayed.

Hold tight to the knowledge that you have done the best you can. Your daughter has to walk her path, but God loves her way more than you do and he’s got her! She will likely mature and start making healthier choices for herself. Your goal is to love her through this so that she doesn’t push you away on her journey.

You’ve got this! It just takes a little grit and grace.

Warmly,
Dr. Zoe