I have watched as so many women compromise on what they will accept from a man, especially the man considered to be her “rest of my life” partner. This concession doesn’t happen quickly; it comes slowly. Often without even realizing that you are giving up what you thought you had found, accepting the opposite of what you were looking for.
When the relationship began, your time together was exciting; this was a new adventure with a man you liked. You had fun, shared interests, and he was attentive and understanding. Even his explanation for failed relationships made sense. All seemed to go well. There were a few things that didn’t quite gel, ones that placed a slight doubt in your mind. Nevertheless, you pushed those aside, believing he was who you wanted him to be.
Perhaps you made the list, the one we all make or at least intend to… The qualities and traits you were looking for in a man before you entered the dating world. Your first list probably contained more than 45 items, everything from he’s taller than me, he doesn’t leave dirty dishes in the living room, he’s really cute, he’s willing to do the laundry, he pays his bills, he drives a great car, he holds a job, and, even, he shares my faith.
You begin to compromise your list – in both good and bad ways.
As you move forward in a relationship, you realize some of the items that made their way onto your list don’t really matter. These are things you can overlook, easily crossed off. Perhaps he’s not taller than you but is incredibly secure when you wear heels, so that’s no big deal. Maybe he’s not good at laundry, but he does make sure your car gets serviced. A man “kind of cute” becomes a whole lot cuter when you discover he’s a pretty great guy.
But there is a handful of that checklist that you don’t want to lose from your “I wrote this before I met this guy” dating list; these need to be in red, bold, underlined, and taped on every mirror in your home. Unfortunately, you will find that the more involved you get with a man, the harder it is to separate your emotions from these absolutes. The list comes off the mirror, placed in the bottom of the makeup drawer. I want to tell you that this happens to the strongest woman. Our feelings become more prominent as our investment in the relationship goes deeper, and our absolutes take a back seat. Trust me on this. You are not alone!
Unfortunately, you will find that the more involved you get with a man, the harder it is to separate your emotions from the absolutes.
It makes sense; you are having a great time with him. He gives you gifts, attention, takes you to lovely places, he says the things you want to hear. He attends church with you even though after the sixth time you pull into the parking lot together, he reveals he hasn’t walked through the church doors in five years. He has a job, but it’s the fourth one held in his undecipherable timeline. At this point, you probably think that there are so few good men out there and there’s a lot about him you like. So, isn’t he good enough? And if he’s not, maybe you can help him become the man you believe he is capable of being.
So, you move forward, not veering off the course of planning a long-term relationship with this guy in whom you have already invested so much of your life. You see, as women, we are looking for a man to give our heart. When we do, we offer our all. Our emotions, our attention, our willingness to help fix whatever needs fixing. We seldom hold anything back: soul or body. In today’s culture, it seems that this is expected of us, even when we are unsure. Holding oneself out for something more is looked upon with confusion, and even, at times, disdain.
But ladies, holding out is something that you should do.
You should want a relationship built upon the emotional health and the integrity of both partners; it’s something you not only want but need. You need a man whom you can trust in everyday life. Before you hand another your emotions, your allegiance, your certainty in the future of the “two shall be one,” before you surrender your very body to another, you must know who he is.
Before you hand another your emotions, your allegiance, your certainty in the future of the “two shall be one,” before you surrender your very body to another, you must know who he is.
You will not discover the character of a man in the excitement or thrill of a new relationship. It’s more than the words or simple actions that are a part of a dating relationship. Instead, it is looking behind those words to see whether he is the man you need, or not.
What every woman needs will probably not make its way into a romantic movie. It isn’t the candlelit dinner by the edge of the pond, or the last kiss with the camera tilting upward, fading for the final shot. Life is not the ride off into happily ever after because life doesn’t create a happily after; instead, the future is real-life moments.
Does he have what it takes to make a life together?
It is in those you want to believe that he has the integrity to partner with you and handle the day-to-day. He may bring you flowers, but I’m here to tell you that it is not enough. You want to know which man it is you are dating; does he simply bring flowers, or does he bring more?
He brings me flowers to win my heart
He brings me truthfulness to earn my trust
He remembers our special days
He remembers to pick up the kids
He makes reservations for Valentine’s Day
He cooks dinner when I’ve had a bad day
He keeps my picture on his phone
He holds my needs in his heart
He makes promises of good times
He keeps his promises in bad times
He tells me he loves me
He shows me he loves me
You see, we aren’t looking for a man to turn our head; we are looking for a man to give our heart. It is the most valuable part of what we offer, and when we do, we are also willing to give everything—body and soul—in a lifelong relationship.
If that is true, then the man must be trustworthy. He must be honorable and willing to offer his all, in return. Before you hand over your heart, dear friend, you must know that you are with a man who is not only capable but willing to keep your heart safe. Not just for today, but until death does us part.
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You’ll enjoy this podcast episode from This Grit and Grace Life: Dating? What to Look for in a Man – 073