Ask Dr. Zoe -Why Do I Feel Anxious When I Hear About My Boyfriend’s Ex and Mother of His Daughter?

‘Crystal’ asked:

Hello Dr. Zoe,

Thank you so much for your time.

I have only been dating my boyfriend for three months, and he has a 8-year-old little girl and co-parents the child with her mom (his ex-girlfriend). I haven’t met the mom yet, but I am taking my time and getting to know my boyfriend and also just getting to know his daughter on a couple outings.

The mother has mentioned to my boyfriend that she would like to meet me as well. I told my boyfriend that I would pray about it and when I feel lead, I would look forward to meeting her. My boyfriend respected this and lovingly said whenever I am ready to meet her that I let him know.

I noticed this past weekend that I started to feel a bit uncomfortable and a bit jealous because my boyfriend’s daughter was talking about her mom, and my boyfriend was talking about the mom, and then my boyfriend’s stepdad was talking about the mom too (all on the same day).

I will be honest that the majority of what I heard coming from my boyfriend’s step dad wasn’t good things, and in times past, my boyfriend has had to call CPS on his ex-girlfriend because his daughter was put in destructive situations. On a side note, he has been very open with me and told me that his ex-girlfriend and him drifted apart after they had their daughter and my boyfriend found Christ, and they official separated after two years of living together and being really distant.

I have never dated someone who has a child or co-parents before, and this is all so new to me. At times it can be overwhelming, especially when he’s telling me his heart desire in the future is to hopefully have a good co-parent relationship where he and his future spouse as well as the mother of his child can all be at a soccer game together. When he said this I was feeling all sort of things. It gave me anxiety (I am not an anxious person… btw).

I am not sure what to do, I can’t really go to my parents because there situation was different. I was raised in a mixed family with my mom and stepdad, but my biological dad was not in my life, so I never really grew up in this sort of dynamic nor really saw my stepdad in those situations.

Also I have noticed that his daughter has trauma and that her mom lets her watch certain shows or movies that give her nightmares. Also my boyfriend and I are really strong in our faith to God, but the mom is not.

How do you deal with things like difference of beliefs from the mom to myself, and how do I deal with the anxiety I feel of her being in his life? How do I deal with this jealousy? Any tips, advice, and prayers would be deeply appreciated.

Thank you,
Crystal

Dr. Zoe answered:

Hi Crystal,

I’m so glad to hear that you are taking your time and seeking advice before you make decisions about how to respond and react regarding this blended situation. I also want to acknowledge that blending families is so very hard and also worth it, when done well.

You mentioned that you grew up in a blended family without your father’s involvement. Because of that, it makes sense to me that it feels alien to have the mother involved in her daughter’s life. Just because something feels unfamiliar does not mean it is wrong, and just because something feels familiar doesn’t mean it is healthy.

So, here’s the truth that may sting for a minute but is going to be so good for you moving on. He comes with the package of his child and his ex. Your boyfriend’s ex and mother of his daughter will always be there, and that’s OK. His desire for you two to get along may be a lofty one, but if it is at all possible, it is the best case scenario. You don’t need to be her best friend (that would be inappropriate anyway) or even her friend, for that matter.

But, if you want a future with this man and you plan to be in his life and possibly his wife, you need to meet her and you will all need to find your way toward co-parenting together.

The fact that you two may differ vastly on your parenting philosophies and approach is expected. You can’t change her any more than she can change you, so you should see your differences as a moot issue. You can have your rules at your house and she can have hers at her home, and they both need to be respected. Children can tolerate and learn to easily adjust to different rules in different places, but they don’t easily adjust to strife, bad talking or drama between parents.

Your jealousy is real and expected. It will rear its ugly head from time to time. Let’s honor that it’s weird and disconcerting to have your boyfriend’s ex and mother of his daughter in your life. You have to remind yourself that regardless of why they broke up or who broke up with whom, she is his past. He has chosen you for his future. He needs to communicate with her in order to be the best father he can be to his daughter. Your support in that matter will keep this as healthy as situation as it can be.

Blended families are hard and some people think they aren’t worth the trouble. I disagree. What an amazing role model of health you have to offer his daughter, who will witness your relationship centered in God. What a blessing to have a bonus daughter. And what an amazing opportunity you have to share a love with a man who you feel is your person. You’ve got this! It just takes a little grit and grace.