Dr. Zoe Shaw | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – My Husband Is Having an Affair. What Do I Do Now?

‘Judith Ann’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe, I am heartbroken because I recently learned my husband of 22 years has been engaged in an emotional affair (with some physical closeness but claiming not sex) with a woman client (he’s a contractor) I introduced him to. The woman’s marriage was bad when they began their business relationship, but it soon turned towards more personal interactions…attention, compliments, shared interests, shared marital problems, and unhappiness, and it has spiraled into more romantic connections, nights out meeting one another in secret, etc. I am exhausted and overwhelmed with emotions. I am 65 and retired and that income is not enough to support myself on my own, and my husband’s income isn’t as good as it used to […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Does My Boyfriend’s Grief Mean My Life’s on Hold?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Jen. B’ Asked: Hi Dr. Zoe, I hope this email finds you well! Last year […] my boyfriend’s younger sister (who is a twin) died suddenly. It has been just a little over a year now, and that was one of the hardest years on our relationship. Not only did she pass late Christmas night (which has made it incredibly hard for his family), my younger sister was also her best friend and with both of the twins when she died. My sister and his other younger sister no longer speak. Just wanted to give you a bit of the background, and all the stress factors that have gone into this past year. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3

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Why Your Self-Talk Drives Your Life (and How to Make It Work for You)

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Life & Culture

Do you say mean things to yourself, but don’t know how to stop it? Can you think of a time when you know your self-talk got the best of you and sabotaged something really important (a job interview, a relationship, a business, or a dream)? Are you tired of holding yourself back because you can’t get control of your self-talk? You may be great at setting goals, starting relationships, or following your dreams, but it is impossible to accomplish them and keep your resolutions if you don’t get in control of your self-talk. Your self-talk drives everything in your life. I used to have crushing anxiety and fear. I have trained myself to be my best coach, supporter, and encourager. I have

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Ask Dr. Zoe – When Do I Introduce My New Man to My Kids?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Dating Diva’ Asked: I’m a single mom with a young son. What’s the best way to introduce my child to someone I’m dating? When do I do it? And how? What are some things to avoid him getting hurt? Dating Diva Dr. Zoe Answered: With so much conflicting information out there, it’s easy to feel confused, fearful and guilty when it comes to dating life and your kids. So here’s what I know. You’re probably taking this introduction part way too seriously. Yes, I know this is serious stuff—relationships, parenting—all wrapped in one. But this is a long haul type of thing. The introduction part is just the tip of the iceberg. So take a deep breath. There are certainly ways to

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Is It My Fault He Hasn’t Proposed?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Ms Highly Favored’ Asked: My boyfriend of 5 years is an introvert. We live together. Going in this he knew I wanted to be married within 3 years. I have not met his children, he doesn’t take me around his family, and he gets upset when I want to talk about marriage or wedding date or proposal. He says it’s not a problem and he loves me, wants to marry me but I haven’t given him the chance to propose. Well, I feel like now at this point I don’t want to marry him because it feels like it would be fake. Dr. Zoe Answered: You’ve stayed two years too long. You have been together for five years and you have never

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Parent Positively When My Kids Drive Me Crazy?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Kim’ Asked: How can I parent with positivity? My kids drive me crazy. They refuse to help me or are mean to each other way too often. I find myself complaining to them and about them. Dr. Zoe Answered: You and every other mother who cares about her parenting have asked a question just like this. Not only is parenting the hardest job ever, it requires you to assume a different job description with each child. That’s enough to send you to the crazy bin just when you thought you had it all figured out. I can see why you are drawn to positive parenting, though. It sounds really nice. Like a calm, happy, agreeable family all smiling at each other in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can You Change Your Self-Talk?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Krista’ Asked: How do you change self talk. How do you train the voice that is constantly speaking to you to SPEAK POSITIVE. Is there a way to retrain that voice? Dr. Zoe Answered: 100 times yes! This is my absolute favorite area to work on with clients. Your self-talk is not who you are. It is not a function of your personality and you were not born with it. Your self-talk develops over a period of time, often in your childhood. It’s essentially an agreement between what the world tells you about who you are and what you decide to take on as your own. Your self-talk feeds the lens through which you see yourself and the whole world, so you

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How To Interact With a Narcissist

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Just Kris’ Asked: I have a sister in law that I believe according to the definition of narcissism has narcissistic tendencies. We don’t spend much time together, but our relationship (along with all of my in-laws that feel they need to tiptoe around her) is strained because it feels like she makes every issue about her, no matter how clearly it is not. She also handles any kind of criticism very poorly, lashing out and if possible demanding a retraction and apology. For instance, I recently gave birth to my second child and we asked her and my brother in law to wait to come down to visit because a lot of my side of the family was down at first and

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Co-Parent With a Toxic Ex

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Paulette’ Asked: How do you coparent with a toxic ex? Someone who is manipulative, a compulsive liar even to the courts and doesn’t put the kids’ best interests first. Dr. Zoe Answered: You can’t! It’s that simple, but let me explain. The concept of co-parenting is a wonderful one and parents who have picked up this torch have served their children well through their separation. But, I think it has also been damaging to others who see it as attainable in their situation. Co-parenting isn’t for everyone and it certainly won’t work in every scenario. And it won’t work in yours if your ex is truly all those things you just described. You can’t co-parent with someone who is toxic, unreasonable and

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How To Heal Emotionally After Hurt, Betrayal and Divorce

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Beijing_Mom’ Asked: My husband and I are in the process of a divorce after being married 20 yrs. I found out he was a porn addict and also that he had given me a STD from other sexual adventures. Lucky for me antibiotics could get rid of this one. The biggest hurt wasn’t the adultery but the years of self hate and anger that he projected onto me. We lived overseas so I couldn’t leave early with our children. The disdain, lack of intimacy, manipulation and anger I experienced from him has left me battered. I’ve been told maybe I have PTSD and I know something is wrong with me. I used to put all my faith in God and think the

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Struggling Stepmom: What Helps My Relationship with His Ex?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Confused Fiance’ Asked: How do I go about repairing the relationship with the mother of my fiance’s children? I don’t like her, I think she is a very childish and spiteful person, but there should be some sort of casual friendship between us, for the sake of the children. She doesn’t seem to care and throws the fact that she’s their mother in my face. I’ve explained to her on several accounts that I’m not trying to and could never replace her, but that she should be appreciative that I treat them as my own when I have them with me. My fiance and I are getting married this summer and all of this drama she’s causing has me worried about how

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What Your Kids Get When You Let Them Fail

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Motherhood

I am not letting you off the hook as parents, but we seriously work way too hard sometimes. I’m talking about myself here. Scenario: I just got back home from taking my son to school. I have a million things to do in the next hour. I get an urgent text from my son saying that he forgot his iPad on the kitchen island (again) and needs it ASAP (of course!). Dilemma: I should really say no and let him learn his lesson, but it kills me that he will get an F because that assignment due today was on his iPad. Then my mind starts racing. This is high school! If he gets an F, it will affect his GPA. He

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Break Free From Codependency?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Hoping to get Healthy’ Asked: Lately, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I struggle with codependency. I still have some shame associated with that title but I’m ready to embrace it so I can overcome it! I had a very difficult childhood, and I don’t know my Dad and I’m pretty sure both played a big role in developing these coping mechanisms. What are some tips you’d give to someone who realizes they are codependent and wants to change? Dr. Zoe Answered: There is no shame in honestly acknowledging who and what you struggle with. I’m so glad you are ready to embrace your co-dependency issues. Now, the healing can begin! Yes, you are so right that your experiences in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Dealing with Blended Families and Different Household Rules

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘A Mom Trying to Figure It Out’ Asked: Blended Family Rules I seem to have a mess of questions lately. Most all revolve around my blended family where children are raised in two households. I would like to know how to thrive not only survive (surviving seems to be the best I can do some days). One of many questions I have is how to handle the things a stepchild (age 9) brings into my home that I am not comfortable with or how I am parenting my biological child (age 3). Specifically, things like violent video games allowed for the stepchild that I don’t allow for my own. I know that as they grow older, there will only be more instances

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Is It Wrong for a Married Mom to Want More Time With Friends?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Needing Girl Time’ Asked: I want to make more time for friendships this year but I feel guilty leaving my husband and kids to do so—is it wrong to make regular girl time happen? How can I explain that I need it to my family without making them feel neglected? Dr. Zoe Answered: What do your kids do for fun? Ask them how important their playtime is. Ask them to imagine if they couldn’t have playtime anymore. Explain to them that moms need playtime too. Tell them that spending time with your friends is your playtime. That’s pretty simple, but oh, that darn guilt! We can barely mention the word motherhood without talking about guilt. After all, once we become mothers (if

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Move on From Child Loss With Motherhood Regrets?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Cray in Carolinas’ Asked: My son died at 21 years and I struggle with memories of times I was not the mom I wished I was at times … how do I erase that tape? Dr. Zoe Answered: Oh, mama, my heart aches for you. Those intrusive thoughts are the worst and it seems that they are never the memories of all the amazing mom moments that you had—only the mistakes and regrets. We all make mistakes and if your son had continued to live, you would have continued to make them. You would have continued to have the great mom moments too! One frustrating part of grieving is the bargaining stage where you are right now (which we can cycle in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Handle a Toxic Relationship With My Father?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Ashley’ Asked: I have dealt with years of mental abuse, lack of presence and once I allow him back into my life more mental abuse from my biological father. He is an addict and has been my whole life and drugs and alcohol have always been more important to him then anything else. In the past few years his health is significantly declined and he is very ill. I tried to put our differences aside and be there in and out of the hospital for weeks on end. Only to have him turn around and say awful things to me after he is out of the hospital and using again. I can’t keep doing this anymore. It tears me down and I

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