Dr. Zoe Shaw | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – I Need a Change, How Can I Find Myself Again?

‘Jill’ Asked: I have recently quit a job that I was very good at but I was working 90+ hours per week and living away from my husband. I have always wanted to start a business, so I figured now is the time. I am 53 years old and time is ticking. But, I don’t know where to begin to figure out what business I should start. After working so many hours, I barely know myself and feel a bit lost. How can I find myself again and hopefully a new path? Thank you! Jill Dr. Zoe Answered: You are in good company. You and so many other women are struggling to find themselves in this season of life. And this is […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe — He Still Hasn’t Proposed – Is It Time to Walk Away?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Kerry’ Asked: Hi Dr Zoe. I am almost 33 years old, and have been in a relationship for just over 2 years. I was single for many years before finding him, and have been SO in love for the last 2 years. He comes from a family that’s been divorced multiple times on both sides, and even he was engaged once and it fell through (although he will not discuss his prior relationships practically at all). I have spoken openly over the years about how I 100% want to get married someday and have a family, and he always agreed that he wanted the same thing. But here we are, 26 months later, and he still hasn’t proposed— he isn’t ready to

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Family Pressure During the Holidays

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Tired of the Holiday Expectations’ Asked: My parents put a lot of pressure on my siblings and my family to spend time together for the holidays, Christmas specifically. I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them, but their expectations of what they want Christmas to look and feel like become stressful. They want “a full day” of us all at their home—sometimes suggesting we spend the night the evening before and having the celebration last until it’s dark the next night so we can enjoy the lights together. They say that they are flexible in the fact that they don’t mind if it’s not actually Christmas or Christmas Eve, but even so, it’s difficult to coordinate that amount of time

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Ask Dr. Zoe — How Do I Revive My Disconnected Marriage After Retirement?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Sandytoes’ Asked: My husband and I have been together since ‘83—married for 30+. He’s been retired for four years at 55—I’ve been a stay-at-home mom-wife for more than 20. I’m lonely in my marriage. He climbed the corporate ladder—after more than 12 moves across the country, for many years he was married to his job, our two kids and I were taken care of with no emotional or physical abuse by him. […] During our many moves I just started to see our relationship take a back seat as far as communication. (The kids are in two different states from where we are, and it’s very hard for me.) I came close to divorce about 16 years ago. I couldn’t stand his

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Discover My Purpose?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Paige’ Asked: Hi Dr. Zoe! I wanted to ask you as I’ve been pondering for years and it’s a deep desire of mine to be able to find and understand how to navigate the road to discover my purpose. Do you have any tips to bring to light individual purpose? And perhaps to clarify by purpose, I mean how I can utilize my tools in my tools belt and my story to feel fulfilled with a career, although I haven’t pinpointed exactly what I will feel fulfilled doing? Need advice on how to start the journey to discovering what will create a fulfilling life with a career path. My current one is empty and I’m disengaged by what I actually do. I

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Get My Husband to Seek Help for His Depression?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Chatty in Nooga’ Asked: I’m pretty sure my husband is struggling with bipolar disorder/depression. My dad has it, so I’m aware of what it can look like. My husband knows when he’s in a dark place. He’s openly admitted that it’s been very dark recently and we’ve had discussions about him seeking help. He seems open to it in the moment but comes out of it and never pursues counseling. He’s admitted he’s scared of what they’ll say and of being medicated as he was previously many years ago, which made it worse at that time. We currently have A LOT on our marriage plate, some issues stemming from things I believe are due to his mental state and others just life,

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Nail a Job Interview?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Life & Culture

‘Weary Traveler’ Asked: Six months ago, I quit my management job. Since then, I have been doing travel contracts outside of my home state. I have applied for several jobs and had a few promising interviews. I have not been offered any of the jobs though. I want to get back home and be with my husband and daughter. What am I doing wrong in my job interviews? Dr. Zoe Answered: I don’t know what you are doing in your interviews, but I know that most women don’t sell themselves well. We are conditioned to be humble, not boastful, to be a “nice” girl. We don’t want to be misconstrued as arrogant or the “B” word. We even stray away from seeming

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I’m Separated From My Husband, Should I Move Closer to Him for Our Son?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Michelle79’ Asked: My husband and I are separated. He had severe addiction issues and went to rehab multiple times. It finally “stuck” in California. He lives there now. I live in NJ with our 6 year old son. My son was super close to him and misses him terribly. I have no desire to move to California, but am I doing my son a disservice by not going? There is no guarantee his dad and I would work it out anyway even if I lived there. Am I being selfish for staying in NJ with my son? Dr. Zoe Answered: It’s interesting to me that you didn’t ask if he was being selfish for not moving back to New Jersey where his

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Develop Healthy Self Worth After Reconnecting With My Estranged Father?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Praying Paralegal’ Asked: I recently reconnected with my estranged father after 16 years by accepting his friend request on Facebook and traveling across the world to see him and. I still feel conflicted when I see his posts and question why I feel the need for his approval even after all these years. How can I separate the knowing of my worth regardless of what he thinks of me? From, A Recovering People Pleaser Dr. Zoe Answered: What a huge step you took in reconnecting with him. I hope you acknowledge the enormity of your choice and the potential closure you provided to yourself in that action—regardless of the outcome. Parents hold space in our psyche and emotional life. It’s completely normal

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Help My Spouse Recognize an Addiction?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Trying to help’ Asked: How do you help a spouse identify an issue with their addiction? Meaning, how do you help them see there is a problem that needs addressed because it affects you, your spouse, and your child? I’m normally very direct and that is not well received- to the extent that it is unilaterally dismissed. Dr. Zoe Answered: Stop trying to convince him. Instead, make statements of fact, and put up boundaries around the unhealthy behavior that is occurring because of the addiction. For example: Instead of saying: “I think you have a problem.” Say: “I will not engage with you when you are using because (this is how it affects us).” Or, “If you choose not to get help

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Do I Stay With My Man When I’m Pregnant and Still Waiting for a Proposal?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Pregnant in Purgatory’ Asked: My boyfriend had been subtly talking about proposing for several weeks, he hinted that he had a ring and would talk about when he felt it was the “right” time, which seemed to align with our anniversary. But you can guess what happened…anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and a trip to the coast all came and went and no proposal. Then something unexpected happened, I got pregnant. So while I thought we were onto something good, now I am pregnant, living together and there’s no ring. I feel so foolish and sad. I’ve become deeply depressed, and we have argued about it several times when I have tried to share with him how hurtful this has been. Now he says

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Heal From Past Trauma That Left Me Detached and Unemotional?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Talenkynic Dromdfrevc’ Asked: Hi there, I don’t think I react to crises the same way as others; I become detached and unemotional. I think I may have suffered multiple traumas before I was able to process. I now pastorally care for many people and think I need to work through it but don’t know how to start. Any suggestions? Dr. Zoe Answered: You think you may have suffered multiple traumas… People who haven’t been traumatized don’t often wonder if they have—especially “multiple times.” This tells me that you need to figure out what happened to you—or acknowledge what you already know. Yes, your reaction may be a trauma response. It may not be, but it isn’t the healthiest response, and you already

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Start Dating After Divorce?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Ready to Date Again’ Asked: After a 20 year marriage failed, almost 10 years of counseling and working on myself, I’m ready to date again. But how do I trust again? How do I get out there to find the “right” guy? I thought it would happen naturally, but it hasn’t. Dr. Zoe Answered: Congratulations!! You have done the hard work, and now comes the fun (and a little more work). “Meeting naturally” is an interesting idea. Plenty of people assume that if they meet purposefully then somehow there is something less natural about their beginning. I call that hogwash. You can naturally meet plenty of people who are not relationship material. And you can purposefully meet your soulmate if you are

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Find the Right Therapist for My Needs?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Liz’ Asked: How do you find the right therapist? I know I need one, and I also know the value of a good therapist. I’ve tried faith-based counseling in my area- found it to be very surface level and frankly kind of sexist. I’ve tried finding one through my healthcare network and even through an app. It’s just hard to find the right fit. I want someone who shares my faith, but also someone who has experience with serious mental health issues, which are a part of my story. Dr. Zoe Answered: Hi Liz, this is such a great question. Finding a good therapist is much like dating. Sometimes frustrating, but when you’ve found “the one,” you’ve found gold. I suggest that

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Choose the Right Man in My Love Triangle?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Texas Tangled’ Asked: This might end up sounding like a terrible romance movie…I am a 30 year old divorcee (I was married young in a military marriage that ended when I was 24). I was in a long-term relationship with *Travis for two years, in which we had great chemistry, lots of fun, good teamwork, and just solid, simple country life. But as our relationship progressed, he had issues with commitment and couldn’t get to the next step or even talk about it. We would go through these cycles of everything being fine, then a build to a huge fight and then fine again. Finally, it began to really wear the closer to 2 years we got, and he broke up with

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Should I Finish My Degree or Change My Career Path?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Still Not Graduated’ Asked: I have been very blessed that my parents have been able to financially support me as I seek higher education. The problem is I don’t know what I want from this education. I recently realized that I am extremely unhappy pursuing my current degree, but I do not want to change course and begin working on a different degree. However, since I never did any internships in school, I have no experience and cannot find employment. I feel that my parents have invested so much money in me, and I have nothing to show them in return. Should I finish my degree and try to gain experience? I am at a loss for what to do now. Dr.

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Stop Being a People Pleaser?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Paranoid and anxious’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, HELP ME! I know that this question, not even a question really, may seem bizarre and a no-brainier, but to me, it’s my life and I hate it! I’m such a people pleaser, always wanting to help someone out even if it means spreading myself far too thin. I’m always worried if someone doesn’t text me back, want to hang out, like my post on Facebook or return my phone calls that they are mad at me, secretly hate me, or they are laughing behind my back. I’m constantly paranoid about my friendships and even sometimes with my marriage. My anxiety will be so bad that I take it out on my husband and children. At

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