Dr. Zoe | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe — Going to Therapy Gives Me Anxiety, Please Help!

‘Sam’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe, I’ve been in therapy for going on two years now. I get anxiety thinking about what I should talk to my therapist about. He is nice and helpful, but there’s a few things that he just doesn’t get about my life and sees differently. I like that he challenges me to think differently, but there are parts of my life that I think you just don’t understand unless you’re living them. Sometimes I get anxiety just thinking about what I should talk to him about. I feel like I’ve gotten better enough, but I worry that I’m just lying to myself. I get anxiety thinking about what I should talk to my therapist about. Why have […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Abusive Husband Received Clinical Help; Should I Go Back to Him?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Jennifer’ asked: I’m separated from my husband because he became abusive. He has gotten a lot of verified clinical help and is back to being the man I married. I have moved on and have a really great new guy because I felt totally thrown away, but my husband really wants me back now. What should I do? (Note, husband refuses to sign papers and COVID has had our courts closed anyway.) Dr. Zoe answered: Life is way more complicated than the basic rules of morality clearly state, isn’t it? I’m not sure if you are asking what’s your obligation to the marriage or what is in your best interest? My opinion is that the marital vows were broken when he crossed

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I Don’t Feel a Bond with My Newborn; Is this Normal?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Motherhood

‘First-time Mom’ asked: As a new mom, I sometimes feel guilty not having that initial bond with my newborn and miss my before-mom self. Is this normal and how or what is the best way to get rid of these thoughts? I love my little one a lot. Dr. Zoe answered: Dear Momma, Somehow society has created this often unspoken consensus that a good mother is all sacrificing and perfectly content to lose herself in motherhood. I don’t believe this, nor have I seen that it is healthy or creates a better outcome for children. I really despise the word “normal” and prefer to use “healthy” instead. There are many behaviors that are “normal” in our society that are not healthy and

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Husband Is Never Home; How Do I Tell Him I Want to Leave?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Deceived in Dallas’ asked: My husband and I met online and dated for two years before getting married. We often had long weekends together before we married and I thought I knew him well. We have been married two years now and I feel deceived. For two years he has been building a lawn care business (which I knew he had before) and working full-time at a retail job, which means his schedule is chaotic. Long story short, my husband is never home. When he is, he sleeps from exhaustion. He has been telling me for two years that things will level off once the business gets bigger. But I found out recently from his old friends and family that he has

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Blended Family Is Taking Separate Vacations—Should I Be Upset by This?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Tammy’ asked: So I have been married for four years, and between my husband and I, we have six kids whose ages range between 12 and 29. We have not really had any major issues blending our family, just the normal bumps you come across. However, this one has come up that I need some advice on. My husband’s 21-year-old daughter, who lives on her own, asked him to take her and her two younger siblings (the 12 and 17-year-old) on a vacation…just the four of them. I have had some really mixed feelings about this. My husband and I discussed this and we agreed that maybe they just needed some time with him and a weekend trip would be good. Next

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Is My Partner Gaslighting Me?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Nikki’ Asked: I’m currently in an argument with my partner, and I don’t know if he’s gaslighting me. Lately he’s been snapping at me over little things, then when I finally can’t take it anymore and snap myself, he comes out with why he’s upset and it turns out he thinks I stepped out of the relationship, which is completely untrue. I love him so much, I would never do that… This hurt me badly, especially since I’ve given up so much, like sharing my vehicle so he can go to work, leaving me at home stranded everyday. I am a business owner, which requires me to speak to men, and sometimes they say things like how pretty I am and “Hi,

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do You Make Friends as an Adult?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Taylor’ Asked: How do you make friends as an adult? Dr. Zoe Answered: No one tells us that it’s so much harder to make friends as an adult than when you were a kid. Rest assured, you and a trillion other adults have the same problem. In adulthood, friendships tend to be pocketed, consisting of different circles of interest. And then there are those that stand the test of time, which can be few and far between. Making new friends really isn’t much different than dating. I know dating can be nerve-wracking, so let’s go with a shopping metaphor instead. If you want to find a new BFF, you have to first put yourself out there and then be willing to try

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I Need a Change, How Can I Find Myself Again?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Purpose

‘Jill’ Asked: I have recently quit a job that I was very good at but I was working 90+ hours per week and living away from my husband. I have always wanted to start a business, so I figured now is the time. I am 53 years old and time is ticking. But, I don’t know where to begin to figure out what business I should start. After working so many hours, I barely know myself and feel a bit lost. How can I find myself again and hopefully a new path? Thank you! Jill Dr. Zoe Answered: You are in good company. You and so many other women are struggling to find themselves in this season of life. And this is

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Ask Dr. Zoe — He Still Hasn’t Proposed – Is It Time to Walk Away?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Kerry’ Asked: Hi Dr Zoe. I am almost 33 years old, and have been in a relationship for just over 2 years. I was single for many years before finding him, and have been SO in love for the last 2 years. He comes from a family that’s been divorced multiple times on both sides, and even he was engaged once and it fell through (although he will not discuss his prior relationships practically at all). I have spoken openly over the years about how I 100% want to get married someday and have a family, and he always agreed that he wanted the same thing. But here we are, 26 months later, and he still hasn’t proposed— he isn’t ready to

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Family Pressure During the Holidays

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Tired of the Holiday Expectations’ Asked: My parents put a lot of pressure on my siblings and my family to spend time together for the holidays, Christmas specifically. I love my parents and enjoy spending time with them, but their expectations of what they want Christmas to look and feel like become stressful. They want “a full day” of us all at their home—sometimes suggesting we spend the night the evening before and having the celebration last until it’s dark the next night so we can enjoy the lights together. They say that they are flexible in the fact that they don’t mind if it’s not actually Christmas or Christmas Eve, but even so, it’s difficult to coordinate that amount of time

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Ask Dr. Zoe — How Do I Revive My Disconnected Marriage After Retirement?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Sandytoes’ Asked: My husband and I have been together since ‘83—married for 30+. He’s been retired for four years at 55—I’ve been a stay-at-home mom-wife for more than 20. I’m lonely in my marriage. He climbed the corporate ladder—after more than 12 moves across the country, for many years he was married to his job, our two kids and I were taken care of with no emotional or physical abuse by him. […] During our many moves I just started to see our relationship take a back seat as far as communication. (The kids are in two different states from where we are, and it’s very hard for me.) I came close to divorce about 16 years ago. I couldn’t stand his

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Discover My Purpose?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Paige’ Asked: Hi Dr. Zoe! I wanted to ask you as I’ve been pondering for years and it’s a deep desire of mine to be able to find and understand how to navigate the road to discover my purpose. Do you have any tips to bring to light individual purpose? And perhaps to clarify by purpose, I mean how I can utilize my tools in my tools belt and my story to feel fulfilled with a career, although I haven’t pinpointed exactly what I will feel fulfilled doing? Need advice on how to start the journey to discovering what will create a fulfilling life with a career path. My current one is empty and I’m disengaged by what I actually do. I

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Get My Husband to Seek Help for His Depression?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Chatty in Nooga’ Asked: I’m pretty sure my husband is struggling with bipolar disorder/depression. My dad has it, so I’m aware of what it can look like. My husband knows when he’s in a dark place. He’s openly admitted that it’s been very dark recently and we’ve had discussions about him seeking help. He seems open to it in the moment but comes out of it and never pursues counseling. He’s admitted he’s scared of what they’ll say and of being medicated as he was previously many years ago, which made it worse at that time. We currently have A LOT on our marriage plate, some issues stemming from things I believe are due to his mental state and others just life,

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Nail a Job Interview?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Life & Culture

‘Weary Traveler’ Asked: Six months ago, I quit my management job. Since then, I have been doing travel contracts outside of my home state. I have applied for several jobs and had a few promising interviews. I have not been offered any of the jobs though. I want to get back home and be with my husband and daughter. What am I doing wrong in my job interviews? Dr. Zoe Answered: I don’t know what you are doing in your interviews, but I know that most women don’t sell themselves well. We are conditioned to be humble, not boastful, to be a “nice” girl. We don’t want to be misconstrued as arrogant or the “B” word. We even stray away from seeming

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I’m Separated From My Husband, Should I Move Closer to Him for Our Son?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Michelle79’ Asked: My husband and I are separated. He had severe addiction issues and went to rehab multiple times. It finally “stuck” in California. He lives there now. I live in NJ with our 6 year old son. My son was super close to him and misses him terribly. I have no desire to move to California, but am I doing my son a disservice by not going? There is no guarantee his dad and I would work it out anyway even if I lived there. Am I being selfish for staying in NJ with my son? Dr. Zoe Answered: It’s interesting to me that you didn’t ask if he was being selfish for not moving back to New Jersey where his

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Develop Healthy Self Worth After Reconnecting With My Estranged Father?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Praying Paralegal’ Asked: I recently reconnected with my estranged father after 16 years by accepting his friend request on Facebook and traveling across the world to see him and. I still feel conflicted when I see his posts and question why I feel the need for his approval even after all these years. How can I separate the knowing of my worth regardless of what he thinks of me? From, A Recovering People Pleaser Dr. Zoe Answered: What a huge step you took in reconnecting with him. I hope you acknowledge the enormity of your choice and the potential closure you provided to yourself in that action—regardless of the outcome. Parents hold space in our psyche and emotional life. It’s completely normal

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Help My Spouse Recognize an Addiction?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Trying to help’ Asked: How do you help a spouse identify an issue with their addiction? Meaning, how do you help them see there is a problem that needs addressed because it affects you, your spouse, and your child? I’m normally very direct and that is not well received- to the extent that it is unilaterally dismissed. Dr. Zoe Answered: Stop trying to convince him. Instead, make statements of fact, and put up boundaries around the unhealthy behavior that is occurring because of the addiction. For example: Instead of saying: “I think you have a problem.” Say: “I will not engage with you when you are using because (this is how it affects us).” Or, “If you choose not to get help

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