Dr. Zoe Shaw | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – I Want My Husband to Be an Involved Dad

‘Fed up in Maryland’ Asked: Hi, Do you have any suggestions on how to get my husband more involved with our boys? He is great at playing video games with them and taking them to the latest movie but he does not do anything else with them without me initiating or suggesting it. He is a sports fanatic and they play a different sport every season but other than taking them to practice When I need him to he doesn’t play with them. It’s been this way basically since they were born. I thought it would get better once they were older but it hasn’t. He didn’t have a father when he was younger and then had a neglectful step father. When […]

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Why Your Self-Talk Matters—Insights from a Therapist

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Life & Culture

Most people get it wrong when they think about who their greatest influence is. It’s not your mom, your dad, your high school gym teacher, or your first boyfriend. It’s not your abuser or any of your exes, no matter how horrible or amazingly wonderful they were. It’s you. You already knew where I was going with this, right? You are the storehouse for all of the information ever given to you about life and yourself. Ultimately, you choose how to interpret past voices and feed them back to yourself as experience. You alone speak to yourself more than anyone speaks to you. You also speak to yourself more than you speak to anyone else, which makes you, my dear friend, your

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Getting Over My Long-Lost Love

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Honestly Unable’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe: I fell in love with someone as a very young girl, truly in love. My mother interfered and separated us, keeping me in the dark. I cannot seem to stop thinking of how it could have been, especially because my marriage has been difficult and my husband is distant and aloof. How do I stop thinking of what could have been, getting over a long-lost love? Please help me. Dr. Zoe Answered: I hear the pain, sadness, and loss in your voice. I’m grieved that you have gone so many years ruminating over this lost relationship. We often glorify things from our past. That relationship in your mind is untouched by the reality of life. Your

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If You Wait for Marriage, Will Your Sex Life Be Boring?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Relationships

So, a client got me thinking. He was discussing waiting until marriage to have sex. He expressed his respect for that choice, but also his concern as a dating, single male. He said, “What if I marry her and then find out that we are not sexually compatible?” I can certainly understand his concern. Some people would say if you have never had sex before, you won’t know any difference, and it won’t matter. But the majority of people who are abstinent are re-committing to abstinence (some coming out of marriages). They’ve had prior sexual experiences and are worried about sexual compatibility because, well, they actually will know the difference. Should You Wait for Marriage to Have Sex? So, I decided to do some research into this issue, realizing it

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Coping With Anxiety Biblically

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Coping With Anxiety’ Asked: I recently realized the extent to which I have struggled with anxiety all my life. What are some healthy, Biblical coping mechanisms I can use when anxiety and panic set in? Dr. Zoe Answered: Dear Coping With Anxiety, What I love about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that it is completely Biblical. The Bible says, and modern CBT research has proven, that getting control over your thoughts is the best and most efficacious treatment for anxiety (and depression). The Bible tells us whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about those things and the God of peace will be with you

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Prepare My Kids for Back to School?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Motherhood

‘Motivated Mama’ Asked: School is just about to start here in our neck of the woods. My anxiety level is slowly growing each day because I am a motivated mama who likes the kids to be prepared for the transition. We have four school-aged children (ages 5, 9, 12 and 16) all of whom seem to be clinging to summer and uninterested in going back to school. What are some of your best tips for making the transition from summer vacation to back to school with your children? Dr. Zoe Answered: Can you really blame your kids? Long, lazy summer days, no school work… Summer was made to cherish! But school time is quickly zooming here, and it’s time to get prepared.

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Differing Sex Drives in Marriage: When He Wants More and You Don’t

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Relationships

Remember when you and your husband were in pre-marital counseling, starry-eyed and excited to begin your life together, and the counselor warned you that over time, you might have differing libidos and that it could present a problem in your marriage? Oh wait—that didn’t happen, did it? No one warns us about that. Libido: Desire For Sex Libido is defined as the desire for sex. This is influenced by a myriad of things over the course of a marriage: stress, pregnancy, differing schedules, hormones, and psychological and social factors. Some women think: This is just the way I am. I don’t have a high sex drive. And they stop there in frustration. But it’s not that simple. All behavior makes sense in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Detach from My Aggressive, Disrespectful Teenage Son?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Mamma b’ Asked: My son’s dad is a malignant narcissist and has been a terrible co-parent. […] Before puberty we were so close, then I had four years of heartbreak. My mum abandoned me (also a narcissist). I thought if I got away from the toxic situation as a baby but still allowed him to see his dad, then he would be okay. But for the past year he has been triggering my PTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. I felt like I was back with his dad: the lying, the manipulation, the complete lack of empathy even though I’ve taught him ? It could just be a teenage thing; he’s 15 and I think he has daddy issues. I had

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5 Ways to Work on Your Marriage (when he is not)

5 Fresh Ways to Work on Your Marriage (When He Isn’t)

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Relationships

When your marriage is in a free fall of disconnectedness, anger, or resentment, it can feel like you are standing on the sidelines watching a train wreck, helpless to stop it. It’s terrifying. Even worse, if your spouse has already asked for a divorce, you may feel like the end is inevitable. Let me give you the good news first. Fixing things doesn’t require that you both jump in and dissect your issues. When you change any part of a system (in your case, your relationship), the whole system reacts and thus changes. Every marriage goes through difficult times; sometimes, you may question whether it is even worth sticking it out. But the relationship can stay intact as long as both of

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When a Strong Woman is Quitting but not Failing

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Purpose

You’re reading this because there is something in your life that you have an inkling you need to let go of. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a dream, or a life path, you know you really shouldn’t be involved in it anymore. It just doesn’t feel right, but you aren’t sure what to do about it. You may be quitting but not failing. I don’t know about you, but I have a million “don’t quit” mantras in my head that make quitting feel the same as failing. They all say that if I choose to end something in my life, I am a failure. When you think of yourself as a strong woman, quitter doesn’t play into that description. Having perseverance

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Should I Be Staying for the Kids Even If My Marriage Isn't Working?

Should I Consider Staying for the Kids, Even If My Marriage Isn’t Working?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Relationships

So, you’ve got a husband and you’ve got kids. This marriage isn’t working. You’ve tried and you’ve tried (I hope you’ve tried), and it’s not getting better. You put off thinking about it to get your family through the holidays. Another year has gone by and it’s smack in your face again. You don’t know what’s worse. Staying for the kids or going? It’s a tortuous, painful place to be. There are repercussions on both sides of your decision and they matter. I want to honor how hard this is for you. Should You Stay or Get a Divorce? I’m not a proponent of divorce. In fact, my life’s work is helping couples improve their relationships, but I am also not someone who

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Ask Dr. Zoe – What Steps Can I Take to Stop Feeling Overwhelmed?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Over Feeling Overwhelmed’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I just want to give up. There have been things in my life (like chronic illness) that have helped me develop more grit. I now know that I can keep going if I have to, but my first reaction to feeling overwhelmed is usually wanting to quit (if possible). It’s like I just want to escape. I have learned a couple things, like telling myself if I have gotten through the things I’ve gotten through, then I can do this, too. Also, reminding myself to chunk things down into smaller steps helps. I think I see the big, overwhelming thing and feel like it’s impossible to figure out… so just doing one

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Connect More With My Teen Stepdaughter?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Jan’ Asked: How do I even begin to connect with my teen stepdaughter? She is 15-years-old and disrespectful to her mom and me… Having already raised five of my own, I don’t have much patience for her entitlement and laziness. She is involved in many activities like show choir and cheerleading but truly her attitude is horrid… I understand life is not easy and she wants to fit in… The only time she is nice is when she wants me to buy her something. Her mom doesn’t know what to do with her and often gives in because she doesn’t want to fight. My husband has severe health issues and is firm, but quiet… So then she just stays in her room.

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Find Time to Enjoy Life?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Samantha’ Asked: I don’t feel like I’m living the life I want to be. I work during the week (and I love my job so I’m not trying to find an alternative to a 9-5) but on my days off (weekends) I end up running errands and doing household chores. How do I live a more fulfilled life while still working a traditional job? Dr. Zoe Answered: The only way to live the life you want is intentionally. Your work is not your life. It’s the thing you do to pay for your life. Hopefully, you are passionate about your work. Even so, it’s important for you to separate the two and intentionally live out your other passions. As a busy, working

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Should I Stay in My Marriage at the Cost of My Happiness?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Languishing in London’ asked: Hi Dr. Zoe, I am currently in an unfortunate (self-induced) situation and am in need of clarity. I have a difficult decision I must make, one in which will affect several people’s lives in a hurtful way— regardless which path I take. With that, I will dive in. I have been in the same committed relationship practically my entire adult life. We have two children together and the youngest will be 19 this year. The word committed is used loosely here. We have not been good to each other in different ways. I have been unfaithful and he is unwilling to meet me halfway in terms of our financial wellbeing. I remain fiscally responsible for the lion’s share

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Parent with More Authority?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Struggling to Lead My Kids’ asked: Hi, Dr. Zoe, I have a 5- and 3-year-old and I already see how my kids run me over in a lot of ways. They listen to their dad and respect him much more than me. When it’s just me at home with them, they speak to me and treat me much differently (worse) than when he’s around. I wonder if it’s partly because they’re more comfortable with me since I’m always home with them. But I’m also sure a lot of this is because I struggle with saying no and sticking to boundaries. I’ve always been more of a follower than a leader, and I see my struggle to be a strong leader of my

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Get a Promotion at Work?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Want a Promotion’ Asked: One of my goals for this year is to get a promotion. What’s the number one thing I can do to get noticed at work and prove to my boss he should promote me? I hate talking about myself but I know I’m good at my job and I’m valued in the workplace. Dr. Zoe Answered: I love working with women to help them get promotions! What better time than the new year to go after that promotion! There isn’t just one main thing that can lead to the promotion of your dreams. It’s a combination of things. So, I will give you the top ones: The most important thing to understand is that your value at work

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