Dr. Zoe | The Grit and Grace Project

How to Teach Your Child Not to Hold Prejudices

Why does it feel so uncomfortable to talk about race and racism in this country? Deep down in our gut, we know something just isn’t right and that makes us squirm. Humans strive for internal consistency, and when it’s not there we become uncomfortable. A part of our mind knows that we are all one family: the human race. The other part knows that we harbor some racism, stereotypes, prejudice, or discriminatory thoughts. Yes, we do. This makes us uncomfortable. When we become uncomfortable, we actively avoid situations and information likely to increase it. So, it’s normal to feel that way. I invite you to feel it now and keep reading anyway. There is something called multigenerational transmission process, which just means […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How and When Do I Tell My Man I Have an STI?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Dreading This Scary Conversation’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe, I recently found out that I have an STI, and I am devastated. I made decisions in the past that I am not proud of, but over the past couple of years, I’ve changed my lifestyle dramatically. Unfortunately, there have been some lingering effects from my past, including a sexually transmitted disease. One of my biggest fears about this is that I just got into a relationship with someone I’m really excited about, but we’ve only been dating for a couple of months. Although we are not sexually active and hold similar beliefs on wanting to save that for marriage now, I do think it’s something that I need to share with him, but

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Approach a Disconnected Husband

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Dealing With My Disconnected Husband’ Asked: How do you approach your husband when he seems completely disconnected and like he has checked out? I have tried bringing it up in casual conversation with him so it doesn’t seem as though I am accusing or nagging, but he literally just ignores talking about it and says he just doesn’t want to be around people or talk about it. I need help on how to address this without pushing him away further! Loving and Worried Midwest Wife Dr. Zoe Answered: Hi Dealing With My Disconnected Husband, When your spouse is disconnected from you, it can feel like you are lost in a desert with no hope of water. You said that he doesn’t want

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Should I Maintain a Friendship With Someone Who Keeps Pulling Away?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Frosty in Fort Worth’ Asked How to Maintain a Friendship: Hi Dr. Zoe, I have a cousin who is just over a year younger than me whom I have been close with since childhood. She was the person I would tell everything to, and I thought I was the same for her. Looking back now maybe it wasn’t quiet that balanced. As adults, we have the same friend group, go to the same church, and lived in the same house for some time. When I went through a difficult time emotionally and became very depressed, feelings were hurt, and we withdrew from each other. We didn’t speak to each other, except for the obligatory “hi” at family functions for two years, even

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Progress in My Relationship From Girlfriend to Wife?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Nurse Lauren’ Asked: Hello, I found the article you wrote about wanting a proposal and not getting it and how you shouldn’t feel bad about it just because you want to be married was really wonderful. There’s so much out there about oh you can’t make someone do something and you know you should just decide if you want them in your life and accept it and I just don’t think that’s really very fair. My specific question is regarding the four levels I’m just wanting to make sure that I’m not doing wifey things when I’m still in girlfriend status can you help me learn more about that. Dr. Zoe Answered: Women who find themselves stuck in a relationship phase are

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Have a Dream You Keep Putting Off? Here’s How to Make It Happen

By Dr. Zoe / Work & Money, Purpose

What have you always wanted to do? What do you dream about doing that you dismiss, put off, or tell yourself that it can’t happen now or you just have to wait until the time is right? Everyone has a dream. Everyone. I don’t care if you are 100 years old. I know you have one. If you think you don’t, you are lying to yourself. I’m just being honest here. I know that we are often too self-critical, but there are parts of our lives where we just flat out lie to ourselves, keeping us from living the life we were designed to live. Our words are the most powerful tool we humans have. So powerful that they can destroy generations—yes,

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Why Can’t I Please My Mother-in-Law?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Florida Girl’ Asked: My husband and I are temporarily living with my mother-in-law, in her house, and at her request. We often ask her if we can help, to do our part, and she will assign us a task (cooking, cleaning, whatever) and give instructions for the job. Even if we follow her instructions to the letter, we’ve done it wrong! “What are you doing?” “Why did you do that?” Or my favorite, “You’re doing it wrong.” Not to mention, she is the queen of clutter. If the others of us attempt to tidy up (even just straighten stacks without moving anything) she becomes defensive and angry. The result is that the house is cluttered and dirty and nothing can be done

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I Want My Husband to Be an Involved Dad

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Fed up in Maryland’ Asked: Hi, Do you have any suggestions on how to get my husband more involved with our boys? He is great at playing video games with them and taking them to the latest movie but he does not do anything else with them without me initiating or suggesting it. He is a sports fanatic and they play a different sport every season but other than taking them to practice When I need him to he doesn’t play with them. It’s been this way basically since they were born. I thought it would get better once they were older but it hasn’t. He didn’t have a father when he was younger and then had a neglectful step father. When

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Why Your Self-Talk Matters—Insights from a Therapist

By Dr. Zoe / Life & Culture

Most people get it wrong when they think about who their greatest influence is. It’s not your mom, your dad, your high school gym teacher, or your first boyfriend. It’s not your abuser or any of your exes, no matter how horrible or amazingly wonderful they were. It’s you. You already knew where I was going with this, right? You are the storehouse for all of the information ever given to you about life and yourself. Ultimately, you choose how to interpret past voices and feed them back to yourself as experience. You alone speak to yourself more than anyone speaks to you. You also speak to yourself more than you speak to anyone else, which makes you, my dear friend, your

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Getting Over My Long-Lost Love

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Honestly Unable’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe: I fell in love with someone as a very young girl, truly in love. My mother interfered and separated us, keeping me in the dark. I cannot seem to stop thinking of how it could have been, especially because my marriage has been difficult and my husband is distant and aloof. How do I stop thinking of what could have been, getting over a long-lost love? Please help me. Dr. Zoe Answered: I hear the pain, sadness, and loss in your voice. I’m grieved that you have gone so many years ruminating over this lost relationship. We often glorify things from our past. That relationship in your mind is untouched by the reality of life. Your

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If You Wait for Marriage, Will Your Sex Life Be Boring?

By Dr. Zoe / Relationships

So, a client got me thinking. He was discussing waiting until marriage to have sex. He expressed his respect for that choice, but also his concern as a dating, single male. He said, “What if I marry her and then find out that we are not sexually compatible?” I can certainly understand his concern. Some people would say if you have never had sex before, you won’t know any difference, and it won’t matter. But the majority of people who are abstinent are re-committing to abstinence (some coming out of marriages). They’ve had prior sexual experiences and are worried about sexual compatibility because, well, they actually will know the difference. Should You Wait for Marriage to Have Sex? So, I decided to do some research into this issue, realizing it

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Coping With Anxiety Biblically

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Coping With Anxiety’ Asked: I recently realized the extent to which I have struggled with anxiety all my life. What are some healthy, Biblical coping mechanisms I can use when anxiety and panic set in? Dr. Zoe Answered: Dear Coping With Anxiety, What I love about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is that it is completely Biblical. The Bible says, and modern CBT research has proven, that getting control over your thoughts is the best and most efficacious treatment for anxiety (and depression). The Bible tells us whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about those things and the God of peace will be with you

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Prepare My Kids for Back to School?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Motherhood

‘Motivated Mama’ Asked: School is just about to start here in our neck of the woods. My anxiety level is slowly growing each day because I am a motivated mama who likes the kids to be prepared for the transition. We have four school-aged children (ages 5, 9, 12 and 16) all of whom seem to be clinging to summer and uninterested in going back to school. What are some of your best tips for making the transition from summer vacation to back to school with your children? Dr. Zoe Answered: Can you really blame your kids? Long, lazy summer days, no school work… Summer was made to cherish! But school time is quickly zooming here, and it’s time to get prepared.

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Differing Sex Drives in Marriage: When He Wants More and You Don’t

By Dr. Zoe / Relationships

Remember when you and your husband were in pre-marital counseling, starry-eyed and excited to begin your life together, and the counselor warned you that over time, you might have differing libidos and that it could present a problem in your marriage? Oh wait—that didn’t happen, did it? No one warns us about that. Libido: Desire For Sex Libido is defined as the desire for sex. This is influenced by a myriad of things over the course of a marriage: stress, pregnancy, differing schedules, hormones, and psychological and social factors. Some women think: This is just the way I am. I don’t have a high sex drive. And they stop there in frustration. But it’s not that simple. All behavior makes sense in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Detach from My Aggressive, Disrespectful Teenage Son?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Mamma b’ Asked: My son’s dad is a malignant narcissist and has been a terrible co-parent. […] Before puberty we were so close, then I had four years of heartbreak. My mum abandoned me (also a narcissist). I thought if I got away from the toxic situation as a baby but still allowed him to see his dad, then he would be okay. But for the past year he has been triggering my PTSD from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse. I felt like I was back with his dad: the lying, the manipulation, the complete lack of empathy even though I’ve taught him ? It could just be a teenage thing; he’s 15 and I think he has daddy issues. I had

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5 Ways to Work on Your Marriage (when he is not)

5 Fresh Ways to Work on Your Marriage (When He Isn’t)

By Dr. Zoe / Relationships

When your marriage is in a free fall of disconnectedness, anger, or resentment, it can feel like you are standing on the sidelines watching a train wreck, helpless to stop it. It’s terrifying. Even worse, if your spouse has already asked for a divorce, you may feel like the end is inevitable. Let me give you the good news first. Fixing things doesn’t require that you both jump in and dissect your issues. When you change any part of a system (in your case, your relationship), the whole system reacts and thus changes. Every marriage goes through difficult times; sometimes, you may question whether it is even worth sticking it out. But the relationship can stay intact as long as both of

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When a Strong Woman is Quitting but not Failing

By Dr. Zoe / Purpose

You’re reading this because there is something in your life that you have an inkling you need to let go of. Whether it’s a job, a relationship, a dream, or a life path, you know you really shouldn’t be involved in it anymore. It just doesn’t feel right, but you aren’t sure what to do about it. You may be quitting but not failing. I don’t know about you, but I have a million “don’t quit” mantras in my head that make quitting feel the same as failing. They all say that if I choose to end something in my life, I am a failure. When you think of yourself as a strong woman, quitter doesn’t play into that description. Having perseverance

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