Dr. Zoe Shaw | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – Stuck in a Love Triangle: My Man, His Ex and His Child

‘Toxic Triangle’ Asked: I often feel like my partner is not giving me my place in this toxic triangle of a relationship. I love him very much. I feel like he’s put up with his ex (mother of his children) for so long that he’s become accustomed to her BS and in return, I feel I don’t get the respect I need and the boundaries I set keep getting crossed. She is constantly dangling his daughter in from of him like a piece of meat to get her way all the time because she knows he will always take the bait. It’s frustrating for me to see this happening and when she disrespects me I don’t feel he backs me up. What […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Dating With Daddy Issues, What Are the Pitfalls?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘NotDaddysGirl’ Asked: I grew up never knowing my biological dad and over the last few years, I’ve started to let myself feel the hurt and sadness that it caused me. I am now a single mom dating again and I want to be aware of the pitfalls that this absence might cause to make sure I make a healthy choice in a future partner/father for my child. Dr. Zoe Answered: The best gift we can give ourselves is to know our deficits well. The fact that you are aware of the effect that your absent father can have on your parenting puts you a step ahead. Women who have grown up with absent fathers often make the mistake of being impressed by

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Spouse Wants a Divorce, What Should I Do?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

“My Husband Wants a Divorce” Asked: My husband asked me for a divorce. I don’t want one. I left the home, but I feel like I should fight for my marriage. What should I do? Dr. Zoe Answered: I am so very sorry. You must feel like you’ve been punched in the gut. My response may be tough to hear. Many others may suggest that you stay and fight for the marriage, but my professional opinion is to give him what he says he wants. Often, spouses in this position feel that refusing and fighting is sending a message to him of your love and devotion, but it isn’t. It’s just disrespecting his wish and yourself. Instead, ask him to go to

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Handling a Step Child’s Jealousy

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Stepmom Wanting to Do the Best for Her Crew’ Asked: I find, like most siblings, that in a family that has children from two households, there is a love-hate between them. However, I have noticed jealousy in the child that is not with us full time. I am sympathetic to the situation and love him but do not want to accept bad behavior just because the circumstance is challenging. Nor do I want that behavior to impact my biological child. Do you have any thoughts or ideas to approach these conversations or actions I can take to curb bad behavior while offering understanding? I want to act before it becomes a more significant issue. Stepmom Wanting to Do the Best for Her

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Handle Crushing Grief?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Deb’ Asked: As I listened to Julie Graham’s story, I look back at how I prayed for her as she walked through Paul’s death. Little did I know that a week later, I would be walking through my own shock and grief when my 36-year-old daughter died suddenly. Then less than 2 months later, in December 2017, my mom died suddenly and 2 weeks later, my husband had a massive stroke which has left him with left-side paralysis. As I listened to Julie’s podcast, it brought me right back there. I have never spoken to anyone about the intense grief that sometimes just overwhelms me. Dr. Zoe Answered: Your story breaks my heart, but the last sentence concerned me more than all

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Conquering Phobias

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Sleepless Beauty’ Asked: I have suffered from fear at night my whole life. I love sleeping, but falling asleep is the worst part for me. I’m always nervous that there is someone in my house, or will break in when I am sleeping. This has never actually happened to me in my 24 years of living, but it’s been an absolute fear since I can remember (about 6 years old). I’ve told myself for years that I’ll be fine when I’m an adult… well I’m married now and still haven’t changed one bit. What are some ways I can start getting over this? I don’t want to be a mother who is more scared at night then her children. And I feel

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I Love Being a Working Mom, But I Need More Balance!

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Balancing Busy Mama’ Asked: I’m a single mom who works nearly full-time. I love my son, and I love my work, but sometimes it feels impossible to do it all. I find it hard to admit this to friends who don’t work because they often want to answer it by saying I should stop working. Well, that’s not an option, and honestly, I wouldn’t want to (say I were to remarry one day). What are some real ways to balance it and succeed in both career and motherhood? Dr. Zoe Answered: Balancing Busy Mama, Guess what? You’re right! It is impossible to do it all perfectly and beautifully—so let’s just get that out in the open right now! Sometimes it will be

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Find a Career You’re Passionate About

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Carol’ Asked: I burned out and am changing careers mid-life. How can I assess my personality and joys to find a fulfilling new path? Dr. Zoe Answered: Carol, Good for you! You are doing what so many women dream of and regret not doing when they are older. It’s great that you are looking for a new path. There are tons of personality and vocation profiling tests and they can certainly be useful, but you have lived half a life. A personality test will give you some general answers about your talents, but it is not fully specific to you. What it won’t tell you is what your passions are. And it’s time to seek your passion, not what may be a

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Are My Expectations Too High?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Faith Over Fear’ Asked: I have been asked by several of my girlfriends who have watched me struggle, and somehow survive, “How do you deal with disappointment?” I don’t have the answers. And if I did, I would be selling it online in mass quantities for all my fellow stressed out warrior women out there. I struggle. It’s human. I would like to think I am secure and confident enough to admit it. One of the largest weaknesses I have is how sensitive I am to other people and their inability to step up and be better people. I want nothing more than for all of us to strive for better character. If the quote goes, “Be the change you wish to see

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Ask Dr. Zoe – What Is Normal Anxiety & When Should I Seek Help?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Potential Worry-Wart’ Asked: What is “normal” anxiety, and what crosses over into clinical? In my mid-20s, I experienced panic attacks and a couple years of moderate to severe anxiety and depression. Before then, I did not experience any of those things and believe I had “normal” mental health. There were life circumstances that went into play with the panic, anxiety, and depression, and I did go on medication during that season. I am now off of medication, but still in counseling and group therapy. I feel as though I am well-balanced again. However, there are times when I do feel stress, worry, and just down and out. I know that everyone experiences those feelings at times, and being aware of them helps

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Handling My Teen’s Anger

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Mama Llama’ Asked: My 12-year-old male middle child gets very angry. He is belligerent and moody and verbally unkind to his immediate family. What are some ways to handle this aggressive behavior? Dr. Zoe Answered: I have been a mama of a 12-year-old three times so far, and I know how very difficult they can sometimes be. Occasionally, their wonderful, beautiful, brilliant self shines through, and you’re like, “Yes! There you are! I missed you.” But then they disappear again. Clearly, your son is angry. Let’s assume that he has good reason to be angry. Let him know that you feel his anger makes sense (validate his anger) and watch how it dissipates. When we don’t feel validated, we feel we have

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Is Your Life Challenging? Need Answers? Ask Dr. Zoe!

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Life & Culture

Are you struggling with a life challenge? A hurdle, hurt, or heartbreak? Do you have a question for which you are desperate to find an answer? Maybe you don’t want to ask a friend or family member; you may be afraid of what others might think. All of these concerns leave you unsure about what to do next. The Ask Dr. Zoe column is a place we created so that you can share your concerns without fear and receive much-needed direction from a trustworthy source! And what’s great is you can even do it anonymously if you choose! Dr. Zoe Shaw is a Licensed Psychotherapist, Relationship and Life Coach, with over 20 years of practice. She will readily tell you there’s nothing you

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Move on From a Broken Relationship?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Rudderless After A Relationship’ Asked: I have been in a long term relationship with my fiance’. He proved himself unable to commit and now I am trying to move on. I want him to realize how he much he hurt me and cost me but he refuses to. He thinks saying I’m sorry is enough but doesn’t want to change anything. I have physically moved on but need to find a way to emotionally move forward without him even though the hurt remains. Dr. Zoe Answered: I am very sorry that you are going through a tough break up. I’m also sorry that you haven’t really broken up yet. Let me explain: you say you are moving on, but you are clearly

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can We Restore the Trust in Our Relationship?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Troubled Wife’ Asked: I continue to have heated exchanges with my spouse. I am finally realizing that it’s about a lack of trust. Dr. Zoe, when the trust is gone from a relationship, is it truly over or is there any way to salvage it? Dr. Zoe Answered: Not necessarily. Trust can be re-gained if both of you are determined and the foundation of the relationship is strong enough. Without trust, a relationship can hobble along, but it won’t be a healthy one. Only you two decide when it is truly over. Rebuilding Trust Requires 3 Things These 3 things must be present if trust has a chance to be restored: 1. Remorse and an ability to convince you of it. If

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Is Lack of Emotion Healthy?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Curious’ Asked: I grew up as a missionary kid and was abused by my missionary father. Emotional, spiritual, physical. Every girl friend of mine had been sexually or physically abused. I’ve heard it all. Seen it all. I was depressed for years. I dealt with my pain. I’ve healed and forgiven. Now I’m married with 2 young kids and run a youth ministry and dance ministry. I still hear and see it all. My question is… I don’t have big emotions anymore. I don’t cry when I hear someone’s awful story. I feel for them and want to help but I can’t cry. Or feel surprised. I kind of feel numb. I’m not sure if this is just normal or if something

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You, Your Man, and His Baby Mama All Need Grit and Grace

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Relationships

So your man is a pretty wonderful guy. Things are going so well. You might have even married him. What in the world could mess this up? Oh, the mother of his kids! Baby mama drama began with the start of civilization—think Abraham from the Bible. Sparks were going off between Sarah (his wife) and Hagar (baby mama). Abraham couldn’t deal with the drama and finally shipped Hagar off with their child—never to be seen again. Even if that is your fantasy, it isn’t going to happen—nor should it. The modern reality is that almost half (46%) of marriages involve a step-parent situation.1 When your relationship first started, dreams of the Brady Bunch may have been circling in your head. But reality

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Husband Is a Strict Stepfather

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Stuck in the Middle’ Asked: I have four children from a previous marriage and I recently got married to a wonderful man with no children. He’s very strict with my kids. They liked him at first, but now that we’re married and have been living together for 4 months, they don’t like him anymore and there is a lot of conflicts. We argue mostly about kid stuff. His controlling behavior comes from a good heart and he just wants to take over the father role with my kids. He has very clear ideas about how the kids should behave and how they should dress. He’s very big on respect. I’m feeling very torn between my children and my husband. Where do I

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