I know I am not the only Christian parent living with the terror, weighty but quiet, that my child will walk away from the faith I am teaching her. Parents long for a tried-and-true formula that guarantees our kids’ faithfulness—the right children’s Bible, the best church programs, the right prayers. But there’s no guarantee when it comes to free will.
Sometimes, we’re tempted to turn Proverbs 22:6 into that guarantee: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”
Yet we all know someone who has walked away from Jesus. Maybe it was you, or your child, or a friend. Reconciling our understanding of this verse and our life experiences is hard. Reality shows that this proverb does not guarantee that a church-raised child will never have a crisis of faith.
We cannot guarantee that our children will walk with Jesus, no matter how much Scripture we memorize with them. What we can do, and what we are called to do, is raise them in righteousness and morality, so that they are less likely to stray from the path unknowingly.
How to Raise Your Child in Faith
Deuteronomy 6 has a lot to say about cultivating our children’s faith:
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and you shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates” (Deuteronomy 6:5-9 NKJV).
Training our children in the way they should go means incorporating God’s word into the fabric of our lives. Teaching them the truth and showing them God’s presence in the word. We can do this by:
- Recognizing God’s hand all around us. Point out what God has created, and give God credit in all things. Normalize recognizing God’s personal and corporate blessings and giving thanks for them.
- Leaning into questions. We are bombarded on all sides with questions and doubts, and the more we shy away from them, the more at risk we and our children are of walking away. Not every hard question will have an answer in this life. But many questions and doubts can be addressed. Questions of science and faith, of God’s sovereignty and goodness, and why evil exists can be addressed, if we’re brave enough to welcome refinement.
- Setting the example of faithfulness and boldness. Our children will understand what a relationship with God is based on how they see us living it out. If we are Sunday-only Christians, we will raise our children to be benchwarmers. But if we are active in our faith, our children will learn to have a servant’s heart, even if they go their own way for a while.
We cannot guarantee that our children will love the Lord with all their hearts, minds, and strength for all their lives. Thankfully, God does not require that of us. Our job is to diligently and accurately teach them who He is. When we do this, our children grow into a Christ-like identity that is hard for them to shed, even if they walk in rebellion. We instill in them a moral stronghold that we can encourage and cultivate, even after they’ve outgrown childhood.
Fill Your Children’s “Moral Warehouse”
A while back, I was talking with my dad about some of the things my husband and I are teaching our daughter and how I see her toddler brain processing them through play. He started talking about Growing Kids God’s Way, a program he and my mom had used when raising their five children. My mind immediately conjured up the image of the textbook-sized case that housed 6+ cassette tapes (excuse me for a moment while I go take some aspirin).
My dad said that, as parents, we are responsible for filling our children’s moral warehouses. We teach them principles that they will draw on throughout their lives to guide them in different situations. We teach them how to recognize right from wrong, how to apply compassion and discernment, and how to live out biblical truth. When they encounter new dilemmas, they draw on the principles in their warehouses to find a moral solution, based on what they know to be right or wrong.
This, I believe, is what Proverbs means when it says to raise our children in the way they should go. When I think of the people I know who have stepped from faith into degrees of rebellion, most of them have not thrown out all their morals and ethics. Many are trying to reconcile God with the hurt they’ve experienced (often from within the church), or they are seeking “freedom” after spending years under well-intentioned but legalistic religion.
By filling our children’s moral warehouses, we help keep their hearts soft toward God, whether they realize it or not. We help cultivate consciences and sensitivity to what is right and wrong. No one lives this perfectly, which is why we train them with grace, too.
Each Child Must Choose For Themselves
Let me pause for a moment and acknowledge that some people do completely turn away from God and embrace evil. They give in to sin and temptation. Selfishness consumes them, and they look out only for themselves, regardless of who is harmed. No one wants to consider that this could happen to their child, but even the most evil people were someone’s beloved child, once.
God does not violate anyone’s free will, which means each one of us can turn away if we want to. Our children may throw out the things they don’t agree with so that they can pursue a tempting sin. Some people deconstruct their very selves to find a way to permit what their consciences condemn. They are fighting against a stronghold of sin, an area where they want to do what they want to do instead of submitting to God’s word.
Every person reaches a point where they must choose to embrace salvation for themselves. No one gets to heaven by holding their parents’ coattails. It’s not a choice we can make for our children. But, in discipling and training them, we can make it a little easier. As we train up our children in biblical truth, we set them up for a future where, even as they question and deconstruct, they will realize that they cannot separate themselves from the truth they know. We raise them hearing God’s call in their hearts, which is harder to cast aside as they grow.
They may turn their backs on God, but God does not let anyone go that easily. Your mothering can’t save your child, but what you’ve taught them forms a basis of conviction that the Holy Spirit can use to draw your child back to truth.
Teach, Then Surrender Them To God
My child is still a toddler, learning right from wrong and pushing every boundary. And as hard as it feels, I know that as she grows, we’ll have new challenges that will make today seem like a cake walk. But I also recognize that now is the time to start training her in the way she should go. I can’t guarantee her future faith and obedience. But I can cultivate a lifestyle of truth that is woven into the fabric of who she is:
- I can instill biblical morals.
- I can teach her how to love others, regardless of subjective judgments on their worthiness.
- I can model a servant’s heart toward our community, giving generously without expecting any return.
I want my daughter to live according to God’s word because she loves Him and desires to follow Him. But I also want her to live according to His word because she sees that it is more than “religion”; it’s simply the right way to live. My prayer is that she sees that we raised her as a reflection of who we truly are and are becoming, and not just who we thought we ought to be.
Our children may have crises of faith and wander away from submission. Perhaps it will be in ways we don’t see, perhaps it will be in ways we feel are huge. But when we’ve raised them to understand objective right and wrong, regardless of what the world says, we can persevere with hope, trusting that God’s word does not return void.
We pray.
We speak life.
We encourage them to come back home.
And ultimately, we surrender them to the Father who loves them even more than we do. Only He can cultivate lasting change in them. As we hope for our children, we continue to walk in the way we should go.
