How to Know When It’s Time for a Friendship to End
We spend our lives learning how to make friends. In early childhood we learn to share and play nice. We introduce ourselves, smile big, try to do the right things, and hope they like us. In school we strive to fit in, to establish and keep friends. We do things to be cool and impress others—sometimes at the cost of our personal beliefs and feelings. In life, we all want to find our people and have a tight-knit group.
I have made new friends through all phases of my life: as a child and young adult, at college, in my married life (and in my divorced life), in motherhood, in small groups at church, at work and at various events. I have lost touch with others, and though life took us in different directions, we can pick up like we never missed a beat when we run into each other.
Relationships shape us. They help us get through challenging times; they can be beautiful. Sometimes they last a lifetime, and others just are not meant too.
Letting Go of Relationships
Learning to let go of relationships that are no longer meant for you can be difficult. Maybe you just lost the connection and falling out of touch was how life guided you. You might be struggling with their absence when they were once so present, or you may be dealing with the heartbreak of losing them in your life at all.
Learning how to decipher when those friendships and relationships need to end can be a process at times. The thought of losing a person who has been there through big milestones seems too hard. “Forgive and forget” is what we’re often told to do. “Sweep it under the rug.” “They are just having a bad day; they didn’t mean it.” “You are being too sensitive.”
While these things can all be true, and we are all humans who can make big mistakes and yet still deserve grace and forgiveness, patterns and repetitive behaviors are not normally an accident or due to a difficult day.
How to Know When It’s Time for a Friendship to End
How do you know when it is time to move on from a friendship?
1. The behaviors are no longer from misunderstandings or accidents.
Trusting your intuition with this one is huge. That feeling in the pit of your stomach is not a mistake, nor is it you overreacting. It is warning you that something is off, and I have learned from multiple life experiences that gut feeling is normally right. My Mama always told me to “trust my gut; it is telling the truth when other people may not be.” A friend who is constantly asking for forgiveness from a misunderstanding did not misunderstand by accident after the first or second time. Those actions are intentional.
2. If it feels forced, then it is time to let it go.
True friendships, the ones where they care, love, and support you, never feel forced. The interactions flow freely. You can be your true self with them. You do not feel the need to filter who you are or show them a perfect version of yourself. They accept you and your flaws and mistakes and can likewise be themselves with you. It feels like they have always just been in your life. If your friendships do not feel like that, then they’re not the ones you need to focus your time and energy on.
3. If when you leave the table or enter a room and feel the energy shift, that’s not a space you want to be in.
Your loyal friends are going to lift you up when you are not in a room. They are going to sing your praises and stand up for you when others won’t. If they care, they will care for all their friends in that same manner.
Let us imagine for a moment you are coming to a birthday party with your devoted friends. You know the ones I mean. The ones who make you belly laugh so hard your face and stomach hurt after. The ones who lift you up. Your biggest hype people. When you enter that room, you are going to feel the love, light and radiance exploding from these people.
Now imagine that same room, but add in those people who you have heard say terrible things about you, that make you self-conscious because they judge you when you are your true self. When you walk into that room, who are the ones you feel the need to impress? Who do you try to make happy? Which ones are you entertaining more so they are comfortable?
How does this room shift in your imagination? If it raises your anxiety, fears, or makes you just want to stay home, that’s your answer.
That is how you know that a friendship has run its course. If you have to lose your peace for a friendship to work, then it is no longer serving your life in a way that encourages healthy growth. Please do not get me wrong—friendships are not self-serving. But they do not need to be so much work that you are always worried or stressed out.
After the Friendship Is Over
Walking through these phases of life when a friendship ends is so hard. You learn to take these times and grow from them, to see the toxicity of it and leave it where it lies.
Take it for what it is and learn. Let them go. Draw closer to the friends who will do for you like you do for them. Who love your babies like you do, who show up when life is hard, who check in through the storms of life and when life is going well. Sister, if you are questioning if someone is really your friend or cares then you are wasting energy where it should not even be a second thought. Let them remove themselves all on their own.
The company you keep becomes who you are.
The truth is we change as we get older, with each life circumstance we go through. Changing, shifting direction, and learning to take care of yourself as we grow is the beauty of life. Not everyone is going to grow and change how you do. It could make them feel uncomfortable or doubt themselves and where they are. There is no fault in this. No one to blame.
If a friendship is meant to last, they will see your growth for what it is and want to know how to meet you where you are. Have you ever heard the suggestion to surround yourself with people you want to be like? Positive, happy, thriving, growing, healthy, compassionate even. The company you keep becomes who you are.
If you are looking for me, I will be at the table with the deep thinkers, dreamers, the motivated, the warriors and the stargazers. If you genuinely want to learn how to live well, stick with the people who help you see the world in a way that makes you want to do and be better.
(Photo by Liza Summer)
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Maybe you’ve cut out some bad friends and are feeling particularly lonely this season. If that’s you, here’s some advice for reconnecting with those special friends who always have your back: How Do I Connect with Friends when I Feel Alone? with Katie Cress – 165
