Marlys Johnson Lawry | The Grit and Grace Project

When Roles Reverse: Caring for Your Aging Parents

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Relationships, Best Of

I always thought she would live with us, and I assumed it would involve much resistance. She’d said she never wanted to be a burden to any of her children. But my mother arrived with less dragging of heels than I’d imagined. She had blacked out and hit the floor of the drug store in the tiny town where she lived. The doctor couldn’t seem to determine what was wrong. “Mom, come stay with us,” I urged. “Just until they can figure out what’s causing this.” She finally consented and my husband and I drove over the mountains to pick her up. Mom saw the cardiologist on a Tuesday before Christmas and was outfitted with a heart monitor. I received a call […]

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How Can We Have Teamwork in Marriage When We’re So Different?

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Relationships

How can we have teamwork in marriage when we’re so different? Dan and I recently celebrated a wedding anniversary. Ours was a later-in-life marriage and now we can say that we’ve been married for years. (Two years … but still.) We reserved a cabin at the historic Weasku Inn, built in 1924 near the Rogue River in southern Oregon. It was a favorite fishing retreat for Clark Gable back in the day. A full, sit-down breakfast was dished up every morning at the lodge. Appetizers were served late afternoons; fresh-baked cookies at 7 pm; and around 8:30 each evening, hot chocolate and ingredients for s’mores were set out and a campfire was lit. Dan and I reflected on our love story—how we met

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Dear Caregiver: You Don’t Have to Be a Superhero

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Life & Culture

My caregiving roles overlapped and tangled. My mom moved in with us, slipping further into dementia. And then we heard these heart-stopping words from my husband’s doctor: “It’s cancer.” The season as caregiver for my mother was challenging. She was negative. And distrustful. She was sure my husband, Gary, and I were stealing her money. This wasn’t the woman who reared us kids with courage and imagination, who told us we could be anything God wanted us to be. There were plenty of fun memories mixed in with the challenge, though. Mom and I held a weekly Girls’ Movie Night. Little Women, Sleepless in Seattle, and Roman Holiday were among her favorites. Nearly every evening after the dinner dishes were done, we

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When Menopause Blues Turns Into Depression, There’s Help

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Life & Culture

Menopause arrived early and chronic depression became my wake-up buddy. Almost daily. I learned how to deal with the occasional blues earlier in life. Hiking or cycling always worked wonders. Creativity helped dispel the gray fog, whether planting flowers, or trying a new recipe, or knitting a gift. And of course, drafting gratitude lists and looking for ways to reach out to someone else in need—all these things helped me manage situational depression. But this was different. Instead of bouncing out of bed, I sludged awake with a definite lack of hope. Nothing energized me. There was no desire for the things that normally lit me up. I just wanted to sleep, long and deep. But that was rarely an option. Usually

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How My Church Loves Well—Not Just on Sundays

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Faith

When Dan and I first started hiking and snowshoeing together, he talked about how his church loves well—and how much it meant to him when they reached out in love as his wife was dying of cancer. He told stories of how the men wouldn’t let him hibernate after his wife passed. Instead, they said, “Come with us. We’re going to work on a repair project,” or “We’re going to Mexico to deliver books and educational supplies.” Early on, I somehow knew that if this relationship grew into something beyond a non-dating friendship, I would be changing churches. In time, Dan invited me to attend Foundry Church, and what I mostly remember is how everyone was warm and accepting and seemed pleased

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4 Steps to Find Purpose after Retirement

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Purpose

When my adult children were in town for their dad’s Celebration of Life service, they planned my future. Behind my back. They encouraged me to take an early retirement and get back into speaking and writing. And they presented three options that would allow me to do so. The thing is, a significant part of my purpose died along with my husband. We were doing some meaningful things together. And now it seemed too late. Sometimes our life’s purpose is etched into our work. Our places of employment provide us with social interaction, and our jobs make a difference in the lives of the people we serve—our students, our clients, our patients, our passengers. My niece, Heidi, spoke at a recent TEDx event

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Grandparenting Kids from Hard Places

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Relationships

She got the phone call at a most inopportune time. “We have a referral for three brothers who would do well in a family with children. Are you interested?” asked the adoption agency. My daughter was with us in Oregon. Her dad was dying of cancer in the hospital bed in our living room, and her husband was at home in New Jersey with their three biological children. They hadn’t signed up for three more kids. After much prayer and numerous conversations between the Pacific and Atlantic time zones, they made the decision. Yes, because we have an 8-passenger van. Yes, because we have enough bedrooms. Yes, because we have healthcare, and we have food and a roof over our heads. Yes,

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Change: How to Keep Calm and Carry On

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Faith, Audio Articles

(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) The crocuses and daffodils are stretching upward to show off their color after a long winter’s nap, and our trees are budding and leafing. It’s mid-April as I write this. With temperatures in the high 70s last week, we stored the snow-blower in the shop, uncovered the deck furniture, and set the Adirondack chairs around the firepit. During this change-of-season ritual, I commented to my husband, “You know this means it will snow again, right?” Yep. We woke up to three inches of the fluffy white stuff this morning. Of course. (Did I mention it’s mid-April?) Here at the base of central Oregon’s Cascade Mountains, seasons shift and change every which way. Now,

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Why You Should Tell the Story of the Mountain You Climbed

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Purpose, Audio Articles

(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) The path ended near an icy-blue lake which, according to our GPS, stood at 13,850 feet above sea level. If we had known, we would have taken on the neighboring trail. My husband and I had always wanted to climb one of Colorado’s Fourteeners—summits that reach above 14,000 feet. But we waited too long. He didn’t think he had it in him because cancer was revving up its engines. Turns out, the trek we chose that day was across a deep gorge from one of the trails leading up to 14,000 feet. In our ascent, we caught glimpses of hikers on that path and realized—too late—that we could have done it. We could

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10 Quick Ways to Be More Productive While Working from Home

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Life & Culture

When my four adult children were in town for their father’s celebration of life service, they strategized over possibilities for my future as a new widow. “Mom, we think you should take an early retirement,” my son, Jeremy, and daughter-in-law, Denise, said over dinner. “We think you should keep blogging, get back into speaking, and write more books. And here’s how you can afford to do that.” Whereupon, they presented three options. And so, it was with astonishment and a slight tug on my heartstrings that I submitted my resignation at the St. Charles Cancer Center. And now I have one of those jobs where you wake up in the morning and have to think for a moment what day it is.

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You’ll Find More Freedom When You Learn to Say No

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Purpose

When I was first widowed, I adopted the attitude of saying “yes” to as many opportunities as possible. “I’d love to travel with you to Israel.” “Of course, I’ll join you and the kids in Disney World.” And not only yes to new adventures, but also yes to interruptions, volunteer respite care, and visiting the dying. Saying yes can be challenging after a major setback that drives us to our couches with stacks of books and pots of tea. When we’ve lost something of significant value—our health, rewarding work, a loved one—we want the comfort of the familiar. But getting off the couch and speaking yes means we trust God with the unexpected events we wouldn’t have written into our stories. It

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Remarriage Later in Life: Are the Complications Worth It?

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Relationships, Audio Articles

(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) “Do I really want to do this?” I asked myself. I boarded a roller coaster car about four years into widowhood. The lettering on the side of the car read: “Dating and Possible Remarriage.” The bumpy ride was a lot of loop-de-loops and scary ups and downs. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to remain on this not-so-fun ride. “It would be so much easier to never remarry.” I’m Afraid of Remarriage Because… Take family, for example. I’d been married to my first husband 41 years. These sisters-in-law were my sisters, the sisters I never had while growing up sandwiched between two brothers. These nieces and nephews—they were mine. Would a new husband

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How to Be a Praying Parent Throughout Your Child’s Life

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Motherhood

Our daughter, Summer, brought him home from college one weekend. They watched March Madness basketball, played video games (in a competitive manner, because that’s my girl), and laughed a good deal. Later that week, we received a thank you note from this young man. And everyone knows that a thoughtfully written thank you note earns huge points with a future mom-in-law. Every. Time. I had been praying for the potential spouses of my son and daughter. That weekend, I was pretty sure I’d met my son-in-law-to-be, Joshua. How fun to bump into an answer to your prayers—in person. Making intercessory prayers for our children is a privilege. It’s a tool from God to assist us in the high calling of rearing our

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Don’t Let Rejection Dictate Your Worth

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Relationships

Unbidden tears trickled down my face. I was writing in a coffee shop, and a man said he would meet me as soon as he finished his business. Hours went by without hearing from him. And so I packed up my laptop and gave myself permission to sob all the way home. After three years of widowhood, I thought I was ready to date and maybe even consider getting married again. A roller coaster came to a stop, and I boarded one of the cars. Over the next year or two, that carnival ride took me up and down and all around in loop-de-loops of rejection and indecision. “I think I can do this.” And then, “Um, no. This feels like I’m

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Are You Settling for a Red Flag Guy?

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Relationships

“What do you do to your hair?” he asked. My red hair had faded to a nice shade of strawberry blonde through the years, and now a strip of white framed my face. “I know that women in this outdoorsy community like to let their hair go white, but I hope you won’t,” said the man with the white hair. That same day he asked, “Do you like to dress up or wear makeup?” Um, you just took me to a movie, not Carnegie Hall. I’m wearing a cute sweater, my favorite jeans, dressy boots, and makeup, thank you. Apparently, this man wanted me to change my outward appearance. It was a red flag. But I didn’t recognize it as such. Are

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Now Is the Time to Get Comfortable With Grief

How to Get Comfortable With Your Grief

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Life & Culture

Dan, a cancer widower, answered my questions as I tapped away on my laptop. I was interviewing him for an article about a shower truck—this really cool ministry for the homeless in our community. He’d had a significant part in designing and converting the truck into two shower rooms, one for men and one for women. And now that it’s functional, he serves as a driver and facilitator of the ministry. After the interview, we lingered over hot beverages, exchanging our common experiences as long-term cancer caregivers. He teared up a couple times during the conversation and seemed almost apologetic. “I’m not normally an emotional guy,” he said as he wiped away grief that was leaking from his eyes. “Just when I

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I Started to Cultivate Wonder, and This Is What I Found

By Marlys Johnson Lawry / Life & Culture

As I leash up John’s dog, he stuffs cookies into his pocket. On nice days, we walk on a nearby trail before getting coffee to go with the cookies. Armed with hot beverages, we drive the back-country roads past gorgeous old barns, clumps of sheep, and painted ponies. John, a retired commercial airline pilot, has early-onset Alzheimer’s. My friend, Cynthia, can’t leave her husband alone, so I hang out with him once a week. Which allows her time to run errands, purchase groceries, and keep appointments. One of the things I enjoy about being in John’s company is his ability to see the world with wonder. “Oh, my gosh! Look at the size of that mountain! So beautiful! Wow!” “Wow, did you

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