Dr. Zoe | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – How To Heal Emotionally After Hurt, Betrayal and Divorce

‘Beijing_Mom’ Asked: My husband and I are in the process of a divorce after being married 20 yrs. I found out he was a porn addict and also that he had given me a STD from other sexual adventures. Lucky for me antibiotics could get rid of this one. The biggest hurt wasn’t the adultery but the years of self hate and anger that he projected onto me. We lived overseas so I couldn’t leave early with our children. The disdain, lack of intimacy, manipulation and anger I experienced from him has left me battered. I’ve been told maybe I have PTSD and I know something is wrong with me. I used to put all my faith in God and think the […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Struggling Stepmom: What Helps My Relationship with His Ex?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Confused Fiance’ Asked: How do I go about repairing the relationship with the mother of my fiance’s children? I don’t like her, I think she is a very childish and spiteful person, but there should be some sort of casual friendship between us, for the sake of the children. She doesn’t seem to care and throws the fact that she’s their mother in my face. I’ve explained to her on several accounts that I’m not trying to and could never replace her, but that she should be appreciative that I treat them as my own when I have them with me. My fiance and I are getting married this summer and all of this drama she’s causing has me worried about how

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What Your Kids Get When You Let Them Fail

By Dr. Zoe / Motherhood

I am not letting you off the hook as parents, but we seriously work way too hard sometimes. I’m talking about myself here. Scenario: I just got back home from taking my son to school. I have a million things to do in the next hour. I get an urgent text from my son saying that he forgot his iPad on the kitchen island (again) and needs it ASAP (of course!). Dilemma: I should really say no and let him learn his lesson, but it kills me that he will get an F because that assignment due today was on his iPad. Then my mind starts racing. This is high school! If he gets an F, it will affect his GPA. He

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Break Free From Codependency?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Hoping to get Healthy’ Asked: Lately, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I struggle with codependency. I still have some shame associated with that title but I’m ready to embrace it so I can overcome it! I had a very difficult childhood, and I don’t know my Dad and I’m pretty sure both played a big role in developing these coping mechanisms. What are some tips you’d give to someone who realizes they are codependent and wants to change? Dr. Zoe Answered: There is no shame in honestly acknowledging who and what you struggle with. I’m so glad you are ready to embrace your co-dependency issues. Now, the healing can begin! Yes, you are so right that your experiences in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Dealing with Blended Families and Different Household Rules

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘A Mom Trying to Figure It Out’ Asked: Blended Family Rules I seem to have a mess of questions lately. Most all revolve around my blended family where children are raised in two households. I would like to know how to thrive not only survive (surviving seems to be the best I can do some days). One of many questions I have is how to handle the things a stepchild (age 9) brings into my home that I am not comfortable with or how I am parenting my biological child (age 3). Specifically, things like violent video games allowed for the stepchild that I don’t allow for my own. I know that as they grow older, there will only be more instances

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Is It Wrong for a Married Mom to Want More Time With Friends?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Needing Girl Time’ Asked: I want to make more time for friendships this year but I feel guilty leaving my husband and kids to do so—is it wrong to make regular girl time happen? How can I explain that I need it to my family without making them feel neglected? Dr. Zoe Answered: What do your kids do for fun? Ask them how important their playtime is. Ask them to imagine if they couldn’t have playtime anymore. Explain to them that moms need playtime too. Tell them that spending time with your friends is your playtime. That’s pretty simple, but oh, that darn guilt! We can barely mention the word motherhood without talking about guilt. After all, once we become mothers (if

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Move on From Child Loss With Motherhood Regrets?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Cray in Carolinas’ Asked: My son died at 21 years and I struggle with memories of times I was not the mom I wished I was at times … how do I erase that tape? Dr. Zoe Answered: Oh, mama, my heart aches for you. Those intrusive thoughts are the worst and it seems that they are never the memories of all the amazing mom moments that you had—only the mistakes and regrets. We all make mistakes and if your son had continued to live, you would have continued to make them. You would have continued to have the great mom moments too! One frustrating part of grieving is the bargaining stage where you are right now (which we can cycle in

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Handle a Toxic Relationship With My Father?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Ashley’ Asked: I have dealt with years of mental abuse, lack of presence and once I allow him back into my life more mental abuse from my biological father. He is an addict and has been my whole life and drugs and alcohol have always been more important to him then anything else. In the past few years his health is significantly declined and he is very ill. I tried to put our differences aside and be there in and out of the hospital for weeks on end. Only to have him turn around and say awful things to me after he is out of the hospital and using again. I can’t keep doing this anymore. It tears me down and I

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I Got My First Tattoo at 45, This Is Why

By Dr. Zoe / Life & Culture

I admit to having been slightly prejudiced against people with a lot of tattoos. Why mess up God’s masterpiece? When a woman with a completely tatted body crossed my path, I often wondered, is there some self-hating going on—masochism, rebellion? My mother’s words echoed through my brain, “If God wanted you to have holes in your body or pictures on your skin, he would have given them to you.” One thing I know for sure is that the older I get, the less I know and the more I learn. Over the years, I grew to kind of like the idea of a tattoo—some symbol of defiance or exclamation point on my body, saying, “Here I am and this is what I

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I’ve Grown Up, Should I Apologize for My Immature Past?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Annie’ Asked: Hi Dr. Zoe, In the process of healing from my childhood trauma, I’m learning how disordered my actions were and how unhealthy my attachments were when I was in my late teens/early 20’s. I can see now more clearly where my behaviors came from but I can’t help but feel so ashamed of how I acted in my relationships with friends during that time. These people are no longer close friends but are still acquaintances via social media. There is a part of me that always wants to share with them how I’m sorry how I acted during that time and how I recognize ways where I was overly clingy or if I acted inappropriately, but I also don’t know

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Trust a Good Relationship After Past Betrayals?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘CCinSAV’ Asked: How do I learn to trust more in my current relationship after being betrayed or abandoned in past relationships? Backstory: I’m married to a wonderful, loving man now… but I still often struggle to trust him (or others in my life) because I’ve been “burned” by several others in my past, both past-boyfriends and former friends. Any practical tips on ways to build trust or help me to renew my mind/heart so that I am more trusting instead of always fearful of being hurt? Dr. Zoe Answered: You don’t need to work on building trust in him, you need to work on demolishing your wall and trusting yourself. When you trust yourself, you don’t need to be so concerned with

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Answer “When Will You Have Kids?” When Facing Infertility

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Life & Culture

‘Liz’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, My husband and I are infertile. People ask us a lot when we are going to have kids. While this question is often asked with good intentions, it’s a painful question for me, as I wanted kids, so I always struggle with how to answer. I’m a little tired of stumbling through a polite, but usually untrue answer. At this point, I feel tempted to be brutally honest with the next person who asks me. Maybe then they will feel the awkwardness I feel. What’s a good way to answer that question without walking away feeling both hurt and dishonest? Dr. Zoe Answered: I love how you say you’re tempted to be honest. Girl, be honest! First of

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Help! I Get so Frustrated With My Toddler!

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Matel’ Asked: Hi Zoe, my question to you is as follows. I get frustrated when my girl 3.5 years old does not act the way I want her too. She is very hyper, fearless and very wild 🙂 i end up shouting, being upset and being in bad mood quite often than normal. How can I come to manage my emotions? I feel hopeless at times when parenting become tough. Thanks Dr. Zoe Answered: First, please know that all mamas feel that way. You are not alone. These little ones that we love so much, instinctively know how to push all of our buttons. Your daughter is an individual person with a will of her own. This may be hard to hear,

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To the Mom Terrified of Homeschooling Through the Pandemic

By Dr. Zoe / Motherhood

I’m a homeschool mom, but don’t write me off as not understanding your situation. Although I’ve homeschooled four out of my five children at various times over the last 15 years, I am currently only homeschooling my youngest. But my other kids are back home now (even the one in college), and we’re finding our new normal. I’m not that homeschooling mom who thinks that everyone should homeschool because it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Don’t get me wrong. I love those women! They are walking in their purpose, but they’re not going to help you right now. If homeschooling was your calling, you would have already been doing it voluntarily, right? First, take a deep breath, mama. Take a couple

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Break Gender Roles in My Relationship?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Yolanda’ Asked: Do you have any tips on how to break gender roles. My husband and I both work yet he literally expects me to prepare 3 meals a day for him. If I don’t have dinner ready he is annoyed rude and disappointed. Although I am just as busy as he is he will not lift a finger around the house and expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning. I’m just as tired as he is, if not more and don’t know why I’m expected to do it all just because I’m a girl. Dr. Zoe Answered: Married men who do more housework have more sex. True fact. Apparently enough women are struggling with this issue, that researchers have

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Keep a Relationship Platonic?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Desiring Friendship and Ministry Partnership’ Asked: I’m in my mid-60s and have been widowed for five years. I recently met a single Christian man who is a difference-maker. I have a deep respect for him, and admire his humility and work ethic. I’m not attracted to him but I’d love to partner with him in his humanitarian work in Uganda. What are the wisest ways to develop a friendship and ministry relationship with someone of the opposite sex without appearing as if I’m pursuing him as a potential date or husband? Dr. Zoe Answered: Making platonic friends after widowhood is not any different than before marriage. I have to admit that I wonder if it’s really your heart’s desire for this relationship

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Fiancé Ignored My Feelings—Should I Stay?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Nikki’ Asked: We moved to a new city 3 years ago for my fiancé’s career and I am not happy with the area. We are not near family or friends… all are hours away. I have expressed that I am unhappy and he too is not but says it’s where we need to be. Should I consider moving back on my own since he is not considering my feelings and happiness? Dr. Zoe Answered: I never condone acting as if you are married before you are. Rarely does anything good come from this. I started to answer as if you were married, then re-read the question and realized that you weren’t. If he were your husband, I would tell you that your

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