Dr. Zoe Shaw | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Handle a Toxic Relationship With My Father?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Ashley’ Asked: I have dealt with years of mental abuse, lack of presence and once I allow him back into my life more mental abuse from my biological father. He is an addict and has been my whole life and drugs and alcohol have always been more important to him then anything else. In the past few years his health is significantly declined and he is very ill. I tried to put our differences aside and be there in and out of the hospital for weeks on end. Only to have him turn around and say awful things to me after he is out of the hospital and using again. I can’t keep doing this anymore. It tears me down and I […]

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I Got My First Tattoo at 45, This Is Why

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Life & Culture

I admit to having been slightly prejudiced against people with a lot of tattoos. Why mess up God’s masterpiece? When a woman with a completely tatted body crossed my path, I often wondered, is there some self-hating going on—masochism, rebellion? My mother’s words echoed through my brain, “If God wanted you to have holes in your body or pictures on your skin, he would have given them to you.” One thing I know for sure is that the older I get, the less I know and the more I learn. Over the years, I grew to kind of like the idea of a tattoo—some symbol of defiance or exclamation point on my body, saying, “Here I am and this is what I

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I’ve Grown Up, Should I Apologize for My Immature Past?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Annie’ Asked: Hi Dr. Zoe, In the process of healing from my childhood trauma, I’m learning how disordered my actions were and how unhealthy my attachments were when I was in my late teens/early 20’s. I can see now more clearly where my behaviors came from but I can’t help but feel so ashamed of how I acted in my relationships with friends during that time. These people are no longer close friends but are still acquaintances via social media. There is a part of me that always wants to share with them how I’m sorry how I acted during that time and how I recognize ways where I was overly clingy or if I acted inappropriately, but I also don’t know

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Trust a Good Relationship After Past Betrayals?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘CCinSAV’ Asked: How do I learn to trust more in my current relationship after being betrayed or abandoned in past relationships? Backstory: I’m married to a wonderful, loving man now… but I still often struggle to trust him (or others in my life) because I’ve been “burned” by several others in my past, both past-boyfriends and former friends. Any practical tips on ways to build trust or help me to renew my mind/heart so that I am more trusting instead of always fearful of being hurt? Dr. Zoe Answered: You don’t need to work on building trust in him, you need to work on demolishing your wall and trusting yourself. When you trust yourself, you don’t need to be so concerned with

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Answer “When Will You Have Kids?” When Facing Infertility

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Life & Culture

‘Liz’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, My husband and I are infertile. People ask us a lot when we are going to have kids. While this question is often asked with good intentions, it’s a painful question for me, as I wanted kids, so I always struggle with how to answer. I’m a little tired of stumbling through a polite, but usually untrue answer. At this point, I feel tempted to be brutally honest with the next person who asks me. Maybe then they will feel the awkwardness I feel. What’s a good way to answer that question without walking away feeling both hurt and dishonest? Dr. Zoe Answered: I love how you say you’re tempted to be honest. Girl, be honest! First of

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Help! I Get so Frustrated With My Toddler!

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Matel’ Asked: Hi Zoe, my question to you is as follows. I get frustrated when my girl 3.5 years old does not act the way I want her too. She is very hyper, fearless and very wild 🙂 i end up shouting, being upset and being in bad mood quite often than normal. How can I come to manage my emotions? I feel hopeless at times when parenting become tough. Thanks Dr. Zoe Answered: First, please know that all mamas feel that way. You are not alone. These little ones that we love so much, instinctively know how to push all of our buttons. Your daughter is an individual person with a will of her own. This may be hard to hear,

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To the Mom Terrified of Homeschooling Through the Pandemic

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Motherhood

I’m a homeschool mom, but don’t write me off as not understanding your situation. Although I’ve homeschooled four out of my five children at various times over the last 15 years, I am currently only homeschooling my youngest. But my other kids are back home now (even the one in college), and we’re finding our new normal. I’m not that homeschooling mom who thinks that everyone should homeschool because it’s the best thing since sliced bread. Don’t get me wrong. I love those women! They are walking in their purpose, but they’re not going to help you right now. If homeschooling was your calling, you would have already been doing it voluntarily, right? First, take a deep breath, mama. Take a couple

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Break Gender Roles in My Relationship?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Yolanda’ Asked: Do you have any tips on how to break gender roles. My husband and I both work yet he literally expects me to prepare 3 meals a day for him. If I don’t have dinner ready he is annoyed rude and disappointed. Although I am just as busy as he is he will not lift a finger around the house and expects me to do all the cooking and cleaning. I’m just as tired as he is, if not more and don’t know why I’m expected to do it all just because I’m a girl. Dr. Zoe Answered: Married men who do more housework have more sex. True fact. Apparently enough women are struggling with this issue, that researchers have

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Keep a Relationship Platonic?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Desiring Friendship and Ministry Partnership’ Asked: I’m in my mid-60s and have been widowed for five years. I recently met a single Christian man who is a difference-maker. I have a deep respect for him, and admire his humility and work ethic. I’m not attracted to him but I’d love to partner with him in his humanitarian work in Uganda. What are the wisest ways to develop a friendship and ministry relationship with someone of the opposite sex without appearing as if I’m pursuing him as a potential date or husband? Dr. Zoe Answered: Making platonic friends after widowhood is not any different than before marriage. I have to admit that I wonder if it’s really your heart’s desire for this relationship

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Fiancé Ignored My Feelings—Should I Stay?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Nikki’ Asked: We moved to a new city 3 years ago for my fiancé’s career and I am not happy with the area. We are not near family or friends… all are hours away. I have expressed that I am unhappy and he too is not but says it’s where we need to be. Should I consider moving back on my own since he is not considering my feelings and happiness? Dr. Zoe Answered: I never condone acting as if you are married before you are. Rarely does anything good come from this. I started to answer as if you were married, then re-read the question and realized that you weren’t. If he were your husband, I would tell you that your

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Teen Stepdaughter Doesn’t Respect Me

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Pawan’ Asked: Hi Dr. Zoe I am having trouble with connecting with my 12yr old step daughter. I have 3 step kids. I don’t have any kids of my own. Me and my husband are full time custodians and they see their mom every other weekend. I don’t see we her respecting me. I feel like she hates me and only like to respect me when her dad says her to do so. My husband is a very wise parent. I am lucky that I have him in this situation. He talks to the kids about problem and set expectations as well as talking to them thru the problems. Please suggest me what and how to do my role. My ego gets

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Should I Choose My Husband Over My Son?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Wench’ Asked: I have been married for 11 years to a man that appears to have narcissistic behavior. 5 years ago because my son was smoking pot, not at the house but away from the house my husband told me I had to choose between my son or him, I was told I needed to kick my son out who was still in high school. As a mother I couldn’t do that to my son. I was told then that I could get out and take my son with me. My husband cried the day I left and begged me to stay but it would be without my son. For 5 years we have continued to see each other and as far

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Why Do Strong Independent Women Scare Men?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Tat2nurse13’ Asked: Why does being a strong independent woman scare off men? Dr. Zoe Answered: Oh, I love this question! But, your statement isn’t completely true. Historically, it has been proven that the more successful and independent a woman is, the less likely it is that she will find a life partner, but things are a-changin, honey! And yes, it may still be a bit harder for a strong, independent, successful woman to find love, but it’s not because she’s scaring off men. She’s probably attracting the wrong ones. Most men are not intimidated by strong, independent women. The men who are, are men who want to dominate and control women—and he’s not the guy you want anyway. Most men are not

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Recover From a Life Full of Battles?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Alisandra’ Asked: How do you recover from divorce, breast cancer, loss of a job, and not seeing your child every day? Dr. Zoe Answered: My immediate visual after reading your experience is a warrior woman, still standing in the midst of the haze of battle. You may not visualize yourself in this way, but you are still standing—and you’ve been through a battle! I don’t know all of the circumstances. I’m not sure if you have an adult child or a minor. But loss is loss and the best way to recover from it is to walk through it. When a lot of bad things happen to you, you can get hyper-focused on yourself—and you need to! But it can also lead

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Are These Pre-Wedding Jitters or Marriage Red Flags?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Ginny Girl’ Asked: My fiance told me a few things that hurt me really bad a few days after the engagement. I gave him a few weeks time, patiently tried to convince him in my way, even went on a day’s trip to make him feel more relaxed thinking he’s probably having his jitters because we were quite fine before the event I felt and I just couldn’t understand why his behavior changed suddenly. I told his parents about this. They intervened too and tried to convince him to stay but still he was only getting worse with time and I finally decided to let my parents know of his dilemma because it worried me to see them run around preparing for

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If You Wait for Marriage, Will Your Sex Life Be Boring?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Best Of, Relationships

So, a client got me thinking. He was discussing waiting until marriage to have sex. He expressed his respect for that choice, but also his concern as a dating, single male. He said, “What if I marry her and then find out that we are not sexually compatible?” I can certainly understand his concern. Some people would say, well, if you have never had sex before, you won’t know any difference and it won’t matter. But the majority of people who are abstinent are re-committing to abstinence (some coming out of marriages). They’ve had prior sexual experiences and are worried about sexual compatibility because, well, they actually will know the difference. So, I decided to do some research into this issue, realizing it is one that many couples are facing. In part, the idea

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Move on After Pregnancy Loss?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Pregnancy Loss’ Asked: I am currently dealing with a pregnancy loss. It is a blighted ovum and my body is just not catching up to what is happening. I am going back to the doctor to make final decisions at the end of the week. The problem is I still have pregnancy symptoms and because I haven’t physically miscarried yet, I just don’t feel like I am truly processing what is happening. To make things more complicated my husband is graduating from police academy (he has been gone for 6.5 months – only home on weekends) next week and then we may go away before he starts at his post the following week. While the distraction is helpful, it prolongs the process

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