Do you remember Gilmore Girls? Of course you do.
The rapid-fire banter, the quick-witted mother-daughter duo that had you laughing out loud and nodding along, thinking, Yeah… I get that. Week after week, you’d sink into the couch, swipe the remote from your husband, and happily slip into their quirky, chaotic, strangely comforting world.
Back then, you were firmly in the “I get you, Lorelai” generation. You related to the young single mom navigating life with sharp humor and fierce love. But now?
Now you’ve become Emily Gilmore.
You may catch yourself delivering those perfectly timed, slightly terrifying quips: “Do you think you’ll be single your entire life?” “You wear that in public?”
And of course, the classic that slips out when you haven’t heard from your child in too long: “I was going to wait until you called me, but my life isn’t as long as yours.”
You might want to be as sharp-witted as that mom that made you roll your eyes while simultaneously laughing. What you don’t want is to act or say things that cause your kids to want to remove you from their lives.
Your child has grown into an adult, things are changing rapidly and you probably feel a bit lost. The good news is adult children want you in their lives—just not exactly as things were when they lived under your roof. To build that relationship in this new season takes a bit of adjustment; it’s not always easy, but absolutely worth the effort.
7 Steps to Build a Strong Connection With Your Adult Children
1. It’s their decision, not yours.
From the time they were born you made decisions for their lives. From diapers to driving, you were the final say. What brands you purchased, what they ate, where they got their education, whether or not they would have a car as they gained their independence and a million other decisions. But that season is behind you. Decisions are theirs to make now.
Step back, Mom—they will figure this out. All of those decisions you made through the first part of their lives showed them what worked and what didn’t (you didn’t always get it right either). The work ethic, values, and standards you placed in them are there. Sometimes a bit wobbly, but there nonetheless.
What might surprise you is that many of the decisions you question are the right choices for their lives. They know what works for them.
2. Even bad decisions can lead to good outcomes.
Not every decision made by your adult child is good. I’m sure you can look back at your own life and find decisions that weren’t your most brilliant. In fact, if you’re like me, you may have jumped in with both feet, no matter who told you to avoid whatever “it” was.
They are going to do that too. But as in your life, you learned, grew, and became more of who God knew you could be when you got to the other side. God can do the same for them.
So what do you do now? Love them no matter what, and unless you’re asked or prompted by the Holy Spirit, keep your mouth shut. Even when you are screaming in your head Please don’t! I’ve been there and you don’t want to see what lies ahead!, just stand back, pray, and don’t automatically try to rescue.
3. They don’t do it like you did.
My mother had a lot of opinions on my life. It didn’t matter what the subject, big or small—she felt the need to interject how she thought I should do it. When my first child was born, my mother was appalled that I would breastfeed (this was early in the return back to nursing). Of equal disdain was that I didn’t use cloth diapers.
I traveled a lot in those years, and my baby went with me. I could not have imagined having to mix formula or wash a cloth diaper in an arena where the bands played. I made decisions different than she did because my life was different than hers.
From what they feed their family to the career choices they make, there will never be a grown child that does everything in the same way their parents did. And they will be right not to. So quit caring.
4. Listen more than talk
This is something I have to work on regularly. They need to say what’s on their heart and mind without interruption. And you need to not be formulating your response while they do.
Here’s what you do instead: PRAY. And do it like this: “Lord, give me the words they need or help me keep my mouth shut. Amen.”
If you’re nothing more than a sounding board, what a privilege to be that. If they want your input, give it, but be OK if they go a different direction. This is about your child wanting to share with you. You alone are the one to create a barrier or a bridge. I vote bridge every time.
5. Give kindness, support, and ask for forgiveness
Why exactly would we treat our grown children any differently than a friend? Friendships that survive time and distance are the ones that you have nurtured and grown. They are the ones you offer kindness to. They know you have their backs and accept them as they are. They also are the ones to whom you’ll occasionally have to ask forgiveness.
To build a strong connection with your adult children, you’ll need to follow these same principles.
6. Only help when askedÂ
You see something that needs to be done. They would appreciate you taking that off their plate right? Well, maybe not. The project you want to accomplish on their behalf is just too much for them right now. Kids around their feet, jobs to go to, feed, fix and repeat. It may not require their muscle, but it would require something of them, even if you intend to do all the work.
Try to remember those days. This is the season where just cleaning out your sock drawer seemed impossible. So maybe this isn’t the day or even year to “help” with that project.
But make sure your child knows you’re available for whatever task they would like help with. My daughters know when I land that they can point at a pile of clothes that need seam repairs or ask if I’m up for garage reorganization. They initiate, and I’m happy to help. Then whatever the task is, do it their way.
7. Celebrate who they are as adults
They needed to hear you were proud of them a children. They needed to hear they had value and worth. They needed to be recognized for their accomplishments and character. They still do now.
Adulting is hard, and anytime they do it right you can be their cheerleader, encourager, and the one who believes in all they can be. They needed it when they were 4, and they still need it now.
None of us want to lose that connection with the human we raised. Sometimes circumstances create distance we can’t bridge. But I truly believe if you embrace this verse that’s for all relationships but should always be our guiding light in this season of life, you have a chance of a strong, lasting relationship. You may not just be mom; you may just earn the title of friend.
“Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” — Ephesians 4:32
