Should You Invite Your Foster or Adopted Child to Co-Pilot Their Life?
Every foster or adoptive parent understands the extreme need for control that our trauma-surviving children often exhibit. Arleta James, the author of The Science of Parenting Adopted Children, describes this battle for control, writing “We really aren’t going to ‘out control’ these kids. They have an advanced degree in control, a Ph.D. We are undergraduates!”
My husband and I found this to be so true as we parented our foster and now adopted daughter. We understood her need for control came out of a necessity of surviving her early years. However, she also needed to know we were in control in order to feel any kind of stability in our home. Using an airplane metaphor, we maintained control as pilots, but brought along our daughter as a co-pilot when we could. Her anxiety (which often came across in forms of anger and tantrums) lessened as she learned to trust us, but knew she would also have the ability to make some of her own choices.
Invite Your Foster or Adopted Child to Co-Pilot Their Life
At different points in her life, we will notice a regression of behaviors that are more toddler-like even as she nears the teen years. Knowing she needs to fill these “gaps” to mature and move into a new stage, we are patient in meeting her needs allowing her to regress at appropriate times within the confines of our home.
However, one behavior emerged recently of running up to us to hug us while almost knocking us down as she did and it had become a frequent daily occurrence. We would brace ourselves for impact. Of course, our initial reaction was to ensure she did not feel rejection, so we let this continue for a few weeks until we realized this behavior needed to be addressed in a delicate manner.
We took James’ advice, who also wrote, “I believe one of the most important ways to form attachments with children with histories of abuse, abandonment and neglect is to get them to ‘think, think, think’ as Winne the Pooh says. When kids can think on their own, they are responsible and enjoyable. Thinking kids are pleasant to be around! Thinking kids reflect the family’s values.”
We asked our 11-year-old daughter to type up times that were appropriate to hug and times that were not. She amazed us with her response. She found a picture of a girl hugging stuffed animals and underneath listed very appropriate times to hug such as before bed or before we start the day. On the other paper, she put a snarling dog and listed times that were not appropriate such as while we walk or when mom or dad are cooking. Her decrease in this behavior occurred with her own thinking without much intervention from us. When the behavior did occur, we referred her right back to the guidelines she had made.
When You Feel You Aren’t Making Progress, Know This
Raising children who have experienced trauma can be a long flight with lots of bumps and turbulence along the way. There are many times when we thought a skill was achieved and found we had to circle around a few more times. Foster and adopted children, whose brains are often in a flight or freeze state, take more time to assimilate new behaviors. Those times can wear on our souls. Sometimes we think we are caught in crosswinds, not making any progress in the journey. This is when we need reassurance that what we do matters.
A scripture I find encouragement in often is, “And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9). In due season implies there are seasons we work and do not immediately see the fruits of our labor. Trust that your work as a parent matters.
Sometimes the clouds and fog cause such poor visibility that we lose sight of the vision, the end goal. It is hard for us as parents to think in those circumstances! In those times, we may even have difficulty navigating around the obstacles or thinking outside the box. Those are times we radio for help.
The Bible says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him” James 1:5). There were many times when we felt lost in our parenting, but our creative God provided the right resource and guidance at the right time to direct our parenting. We can think of God as the air traffic controller. He sees the whole picture. He knows how to direct us.
As you patiently and consistently attune to your child’s needs, giving them control when possible, the plane will begin to fly level most days. The prayer is that one day your child will take over as pilot in a healthy way, as we train all of our children to do.
(Photo by RDNE Stock project)
—
Not sure when to reel in your child’s behavior? In this podcast episode, psychotherapist and relationship coach Dr. Zoe shares when you need to step in and intervene on their behalf: Is My Teen Out of Control or Is This Normal? with Dr. Zoe Shaw – 232
