We were struggling to survive. Not materially, but emotionally. My husband was gone for 10 weeks. My daughter immediately started having sleep issues—early mornings, nighttime wake-ups, dropping her last nap. And I was scheduled to have surgery right in the middle of his absence. When it rains, it pours.
I could go on about the other factors that made these 10 weeks utterly grueling, but I’m guessing you don’t need me to. You’re thinking about your own crucible, or maybe something a friend is struggling with. One way or another, most of us know what it’s like to reach a point where survival is an hour-to-hour struggle. Some seasons are about getting through the moment immediately in front of us. The next moment will have to wait.
You probably also know that community can make or break the situation. Relying on community and being willing to ask for and receive help is one way God tangibly loves us in these situations. We know this, and yet sometimes our compassion seems to plateau. Friends don’t ever cash in on our offers to help. Or offers come pouring in, but we never accept them.
“Just Let Me Know…”
Decision fatigue is real when we’re struggling to survive. At best, “Let me know how I can help,” puts the burden back on me—I have to tell you what to do so that you can help me. It’s invisible labor that, yes, helps me, but also lets you feel better because you’ve done something. And some days that is just too heavy, especially if I’m not sure what you’re willing to do.
At worst, “Let me know if you need anything,” can sound like an empty promise. If I’m honest, sometimes people say that to me, and I wonder if they really mean they will help, or if it’s just a reflex, the impression of support without the application.
Now hear me, I’ve absolutely told people to let me know what I can do to help. It slips out because I want my friends to know that I’m here for them. But I’ve tried to change my language in recent years, after having gone through some particularly hard and heavy seasons. So don’t feel guilty when it slips out. Just add something concrete after it.
If Your Friend Is Struggling, Here’s What She Actually Wants Help With
Anything concrete you offer will probably be well received by a friend who is just trying to make it through the day. Whether it takes something off her plate or reminds her that she is seen and loved, it’s going to land well.
We weren’t meant to go through life alone. Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 says, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”
When it felt like I couldn’t survive another day, specific offers and intentional, genuine connection made the biggest impacts.
Offer a Specific Favor
You may not be able to tell exactly what your friend needs. But sometimes in the thick of struggle, your friend also can’t tell or decide what she needs. The solution? Just pick something to do.
- Take her kids for the afternoon
- Pick up her grocery order
- Bring over lunch, dinner, or her usual coffee order and a treat
- Come over and do her least favorite chore
Not everyone finds it as hard as I do to ask for help. But for those who do, a general offer can feel like something we can’t cash in on. Because it feels humiliating to ask someone to come clean my kitchen or vacuum my house. But if a friend specifically offers to come do some chores, well, that feels different.
Connect Intentionally
Hard seasons often leave us feeling invisible. We try to connect, but our world moves too fast for authentic connection without intentionality. Some of that begins with the language we use.
Instead of asking how someone is doing, ask what is especially hard. My husband being gone was hard enough on its own without all the rest of the difficulties. When people asked how I was doing, knowing he was gone, I kind of figured they didn’t really want to know. Again, it seemed a reflexive statement. After all, how would you expect someone to be doing when solo-parenting a toddler?
Even if I wanted to be honest, it felt like so much. I didn’t want to dump on anyone. When a friend asked me what was especially hard in the moment, it helped me focus my thoughts on what felt most overwhelming in the moment, which helped me clarify how she could help me.
Get Into the Trench
The other connection that really helped me was having friends get into the trench with me. So often, when someone is going through something, we try to be unobtrusive, but at least for me, that leaves me feeling isolated. Yes, a dinner drop-off is lovely, but do you know how many times I wished someone invited us over instead? Or asked if they could bring a meal over to share?
Practical help is important, but connection makes sure that we know we are seen. Some easy ways to offer both include:
- “Do you want me to drop dinner off, or bring enough to eat with you?”
- “I can either take the kids for a playdate, or you all can come over, and I’ll have coffee ready.”
- “Lunch will be ready at 12:30. Let me know if I should set out plates for you.”
Use Technology to Bridge the Distance
If for any reason you can’t connect in person, don’t discount the power of a regular check-in over text or video call. I have a cousin who frequently video chats and entertains my daughter. I have family members who send texts every morning. Others check in every few days or once a week. Knowing that people are thinking of us and remember that we’re struggling makes all the difference. And honestly, it makes it easier for me to reach out when I need extra support, because they’ve already shown that they are in it with me.
Practical compassion makes a huge difference. Some of my community lives down the street, others live a thousand miles away. But every single person played a role in helping us survive and fight for our faith.
For the One Who Is Struggling: Take Responsibility for Your Needs
I’d be remiss if I didn’t add a little note for the one who is struggling. I don’t want to sound harsh, but this is something I needed to frequently remind myself of.
We can’t just wait around for people to do these things for us. We are responsible for asking for help. When people say, “let me know what I can do,” we can take these ideas and apply them to our responses. If you need connection, ask someone to share a meal with you. If you just need a clean house, ask someone to handle a specific chore. Practice honesty when people ask how you are doing, even if it’s just, “We’re having a hard time.”
I’ve always been a masker—someone who always says we’re fine, no matter what we’re going through. I could try to justify the habit, but the reality is that in Jesus’ family, we’re not asked to mask and hide our burdens. We can be vulnerable and authentic, so that others can minister to us. Just as we would want to do for them.
Honestly, there’s been some relief in practicing this more, allowing myself to confess that we are really struggling (and even crying a little in front of people, which is decidedly not me). I know that no one has a solution for us (we’ve tried them all, anyway, except for maybe the very old-school tricks like a little whiskey to help the toddler sleep), but I’m not expecting anyone to fix it for us.
It’s been a challenge to shift my mindset, to be willing to share not for a solution but for solidarity. Instead of drowning in my own struggles and thinking that I’m probably doing something wrong, I allow people to step into the struggle and reassure me that it is hard, that I am shouldering a lot, and that I am doing the best I can. Honesty invites people to remind me to lean on God, whatever that looks like in a day. Community helps carry my faith when, in the darkest moments, I wonder what the point is if faith won’t change anything.
Seeing God Through It
Practical experience with people has helped me wrap my mind around things with God. He isn’t always going to offer a solution or a quick fix for something. Sometimes, He is just the presence beside me, reminding me that even if I just screamed at my toddler who won’t sleep, I can repent, repair the relationship, and make my next step one of love and grace.
Faith isn’t a method for getting an easy life. It’s a motivation to persevere, because even if I can’t fully comprehend it, I know there’s something worthwhile ahead. When I can’t see it, I usually have a friend who can.
