It was Karen Gibbs who penned these words: “Women know. They just know. Even if they didn’t know, they would know. Men might not get this, but women will, because they know.”
The thing is, half the time we women just think we know.
The Art of Learning to Understand Your Husband
After a handful of widowed years, I married a man who also lost his spouse to cancer. My new husband, Dan, arrived with an operating manual, which I’ve been studying ever since.
For instance, he has a hard time letting go of things. I’m a de-clutterer by nature. I’ve offered to help him pare down his shop, but Dan has yet to take me up on my generous proposal. And so I’ve learned to not be bothered by the clutter… as long as it stays in the shop.
Learning to count the positives
Also, when he grocery shops with me, he wants to navigate each aisle to see if there’s something he didn’t know we needed. When I shop alone, I walk fast, grab the items, and zip-zip, I’m out of there. But who said grocery shopping needed to be a race? And so, I’m learning to slow down and keep my hands off the cart so I’m not dragging my husband through the store.
The thing is, this same man gets down on the floor and builds railroad tracks and runs trains with little kids. He helps people who need a leak stopped, a chandelier hung, a malfunctioning breaker switch repaired, or a sink unclogged. Dan is strong and wise and kind. He has a great sense of humor, and he’s the most patient person I know. He enjoys planning road trips and playing outdoors and taking me on adventures. And I love playing outdoors and venturing out with him.
And so I’m counting the positives, which are numerous.
Learning to ask for help
In these past handful of years, I’ve learned the best way to ask for Dan’s help on a project. I start by mentioning an idea. “When you have time, I could use help moving some of those large rocks from behind the shop. To add to the landscaping. But no hurry. I mean, we could do this tomorrow or next week.”
And then maybe he’ll need a gentle nudge the next week, because… you know, all the requests he gets from other people to fix things. “If you have time tomorrow, could we move those rocks?”
Then the next day, when his afternoon is free, I may say something like, “If I bake cookies, will you help me move the rocks this afternoon?!”
And the rocks get moved, which would have happened even without the offer of cookies. But why not sweeten the deal? Because homemade food speaks love to Dan. But really, the point is my husband needs time to process my request for assistance. It’s not that he’s sitting around in an easy chair with a remote control in his hand. He’s busy volunteering and helping other people, which is one of the stellar qualities that attracted me to him, so I wouldn’t want to change that for anything.
Learning how to be married to a thinker
Dan is an in-depth thinker. It’s what makes him so good at fixing things, or planning a 6-week road trip. It means he’ll watch several YouTube videos and take copious notes and read reviews of national parks and campsites. And then he’ll know exactly how to build a birdhouse or what we want to see and do as we travel.
Me? I get a brilliant idea and plow ahead. Let’s not watch 11 YouTube videos. Let’s just start. We’ll figure it out along the way.
But my husband wants to understand what he’s doing and where he’s going before starting out. And so, I’m learning to give him all the space and time he needs to be him. And when he’s ready to move forward, you better believe the project—or the adventure—will turn our brilliantly.
Learning when to release
Not too long ago, I tried to talk Dan into letting me create a She Shed space in a corner of his large shop. Two of the tall cabinets could be rearranged to create a false wall, putting me close to where he’s restoring a classic motorcycle. A reading lamp, comfortable chair, end table, houseplant, bags of tea, the electric teapot, and a small throw rug could all be carted over from the house. Writing in this cozy space near my husband on those days when he’s headfirst in motorcycle parts would be so fun!
But Dan had logical reasons why this wasn’t a good idea: the coldness of the shop, and how it takes forever for the loud, overhead heater to produce; and the problematic dust from his projects. So, I laid my brilliant idea to rest.
We don’t think better; we think differently
While it’s oftentimes true that women instinctively know things, it’s also true that we may not know as much as we think. The point here is not how to get what we want. It’s about learning what speaks to our husbands, what moves them to action, what makes them feel loved, and when we wives should ditch our brilliant ideas.
There’s still more I need to study in Dan’s operating manual. But it’s been fun fitting all the pieces into place as we continue forward on this unparalleled adventure of a second chance at love.
— Learning to understand your husband doesn’t mean forgoing who you are or your interests. Listen to this podcast episode and let’s clear the air when it comes to the old command to “submit to your husband” (hint: It’s not what you might think!): Is Submitting to Your Husband Relevant Today? – 281
Marlys is a speaker, award-winning writer (Cascade Awards 2019 and 2022), and Chai latte enthusiast. She loves getting outdoors—would rather lace up hiking boots than go shopping—and has a passion for encouraging people to live well in the hard and holy seasons of life, having embraced her share of sorrows and losses.
