Dr. Zoe | The Grit and Grace Project

Ask Dr. Zoe – Handling My Teen’s Anger

‘Mama Llama’ Asked: My 12-year-old male middle child gets very angry. He is belligerent and moody and verbally unkind to his immediate family. What are some ways to handle this aggressive behavior? Dr. Zoe Answered: I have been a mama of a 12-year-old three times so far, and I know how very difficult they can sometimes be. Occasionally, their wonderful, beautiful, brilliant self shines through, and you’re like, “Yes! There you are! I missed you.” But then they disappear again. Clearly, your son is angry. Let’s assume that he has good reason to be angry. Let him know that you feel his anger makes sense (validate his anger) and watch how it dissipates. When we don’t feel validated, we feel we have […]

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Is Your Life Challenging? Need Answers? Ask Dr. Zoe!

By Dr. Zoe / Life & Culture

Are you struggling with a life challenge? A hurdle, hurt, or heartbreak? Do you have a question for which you are desperate to find an answer? Maybe you don’t want to ask a friend or family member; you may be afraid of what others might think. All of these concerns leave you unsure about what to do next. The Ask Dr. Zoe column is a place we created so that you can share your concerns without fear and receive much-needed direction from a trustworthy source! And what’s great is you can even do it anonymously if you choose! Dr. Zoe Shaw is a Licensed Psychotherapist, Relationship and Life Coach, with over 20 years of practice. She will readily tell you there’s nothing you

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Move on From a Broken Relationship?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Rudderless After A Relationship’ Asked: I have been in a long term relationship with my fiance’. He proved himself unable to commit and now I am trying to move on. I want him to realize how he much he hurt me and cost me but he refuses to. He thinks saying I’m sorry is enough but doesn’t want to change anything. I have physically moved on but need to find a way to emotionally move forward without him even though the hurt remains. Dr. Zoe Answered: I am very sorry that you are going through a tough break up. I’m also sorry that you haven’t really broken up yet. Let me explain: you say you are moving on, but you are clearly

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can We Restore the Trust in Our Relationship?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe, Relationships

‘Troubled Wife’ Asked: I continue to have heated exchanges with my spouse. I am finally realizing that it’s about a lack of trust. Dr. Zoe, when the trust is gone from a relationship, is it truly over or is there any way to salvage it? Dr. Zoe Answered: Not necessarily. Trust can be re-gained if both of you are determined and the foundation of the relationship is strong enough. Without trust, a relationship can hobble along, but it won’t be a healthy one. Only you two decide when it is truly over. Rebuilding Trust Requires 3 Things These 3 things must be present if trust has a chance to be restored: 1. Remorse and an ability to convince you of it. If

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Is Lack of Emotion Healthy?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Curious’ Asked: I grew up as a missionary kid and was abused by my missionary father. Emotional, spiritual, physical. Every girl friend of mine had been sexually or physically abused. I’ve heard it all. Seen it all. I was depressed for years. I dealt with my pain. I’ve healed and forgiven. Now I’m married with 2 young kids and run a youth ministry and dance ministry. I still hear and see it all. My question is… I don’t have big emotions anymore. I don’t cry when I hear someone’s awful story. I feel for them and want to help but I can’t cry. Or feel surprised. I kind of feel numb. I’m not sure if this is just normal or if something

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Husband Is a Strict Stepfather

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Stuck in the Middle’ Asked: I have four children from a previous marriage and I recently got married to a wonderful man with no children. He’s very strict with my kids. They liked him at first, but now that we’re married and have been living together for 4 months, they don’t like him anymore and there is a lot of conflicts. We argue mostly about kid stuff. His controlling behavior comes from a good heart and he just wants to take over the father role with my kids. He has very clear ideas about how the kids should behave and how they should dress. He’s very big on respect. I’m feeling very torn between my children and my husband. Where do I

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Can I Have Both Motherhood and a Career?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Alissa’ Asked: After 5 years of staying home with my babies (now 5 and 2), I find myself constantly struggling between continuing to stay home and going back to work. I feel selfish that I miss my career so much but I am so afraid I won’t be able to give 100% to both. How do you work, manage a home, make sure your kids know they’re cared for, keep up with housework, etc. It seems like so much! Am I selfish for wanting a career, the family…aka it all?! Dr. Zoe Answered: Thank you for asking the question of the century! Desiring a career does not make you a selfish person! I’m not yelling at you, but I want you to

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Love Your Foster Child’s Parents

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Alexis’ Asked: How do you love your foster child’s parents well even when you feel like they aren’t trying? Dr. Zoe Answered: When I am struggling with my feelings about someone’s behavior, I often remind myself that all behavior makes sense in its context. Just because I don’t understand why someone is behaving a certain way doesn’t mean that there isn’t a reason. The very reason that your foster child is in your care is that her parents don’t have it all together and weren’t able to take care of her or protect her. These kinds of issues don’t change overnight. Women who lack the mama bear instinct to care for their kids above all other things often come from very difficult

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Grieving Divorce

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Running Turtle’ Asked: My marriage broke up about 7 months ago. In the last few days, we’ve been seriously discussing divorce. I’ve been grieving the last 7 months, but these conversations have brought on new, almost overwhelming waves of grief, how do I cope? Dr. Zoe Answered: Dear Running Turtle, I’m glad you used the word grief because that’s exactly what you are doing—grieving. Grief sucks always, but it is a necessary and healthy process when dealing with your loss. This is your season for grief. Feel it, eat some ice cream, wallow in it for a minute, scream, cry—get it out! Stop telling yourself it is overwhelming. It just is. Saying your grief is overwhelming is like saying water is too

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Ask Dr. Zoe – When Is a Friendship Toxic?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Frazzled Florida Friend’ Asked: Friends come and go and we all know that, but, how do I know when it’s time for me to let a friend go? What are my signs that this may be a toxic friendship that I need to let go of? Should I just let us “grow apart” or have a conversation with her? Dr. Zoe Answered: At the same time, you asked me how to know if you need to let her go, you also asked me what is the best method to end the friendship, which tells me that you probably answered your own first question. A change needs to happen in your relationship and deep down, you know this. The hard part is determining

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Tween Boy is Distant, What Do I Do?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Mom of Three Boys’ Asked: As a mom with three boys (12-year-old twins, 9-year-old), how do I deal with the tween separation that boys do without taking it personally? And allow them their space after being super close with them. They used to be so chatty and fun and now they are withdrawn, ‘hanging out with friends’ – which I know is normal but I take it personally… Also looking for some advice on how to get them to do their chores without asking 100 times! Thanks for any help! Xoxo Dr. Zoe Answered: From one boy mom to another, I get you! It is so hard when your son starts distancing from you—especially a child that was previously very close. Our

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Ask Dr. Zoe – He Asked Me to Marry Him Now He Won’t Set a Date

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Dawn’ Asked: After my boyfriend and I had been together a year, one night while we were spending alone time together he looked at me and asked: “Will you marry me”? There was no ring, just the question. I asked “Are you really proposing?” and he said “Just answer the question…”, but I said, “I’m not answering it unless this is a real proposal”. He continued to ask and insisted that this is a real proposal. I ended up saying yes. I was elated and wanted to tell my best friend but he asked me not to say anything until he could afford a ring. I was a little crushed. So, the next day I asked since you don’t want me saying

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Help! I Can’t Do It All!

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Exhausted Juggler’ Asked: I have frequent days that I feel as if I’m center stage juggling family, work, home life, the needs of every human in my life all dependent upon my next move with the entire audience waiting for me to drop the ball. I want to prove them wrong, that I can handle every demand placed upon me with a smile on my face never breaking a sweat. But I’m tired. Of the demands, expectations, and fear that I may not be able to do everything everyone expects. I need time for me. But am I being selfish? Is it wrong to think of myself, what’s stopping me? Will everyone survive if I step off the stage even for just

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Ask Dr. Zoe – Help! My Mom Undermines Me as a Parent

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Nicole’ Asked: I have a 10-year-old daughter and my mother lives next door. My mom has stated that she feels her current purpose in life is to help me with my family. When I make a decision for my child or family, it is sometimes overrun by mom. For instance, if I tell my child to come home for dinner the child will ask Grandma if she can eat at her house – and of course, Grandma says yes even though she knows I have dinner prepared for my family. I feel caught because I know my mom views taking care of us highly, but I also keep getting undermined by her and my daughter. Suggestions? Dr. Zoe Answered: Yeah, it’s time

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How to Address My Loved One’s Failing Health

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Caregiver’ Asked: I have an older relative who is becoming more and more forgetful. She’ll misplace items, forget what she was doing, forget conversations. Added to this there may be a hearing decline because the TV is getting louder and “What?” is a common question. How should I handle the situation as far as suggesting a hearing check or medical checkup? Dr. Zoe Answered: Pointing out that something may be wrong with someone can be a sticky proposition. The reality is that if you live long enough, you will eventually develop some form of senility, which is just the normal process of aging. But dementia and Alzheimer’s are very different things. You didn’t mention if your older relative is in her seventies,

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4 Things You Need to Know About Pre-Wedding Jitters

By Dr. Zoe / Relationships

Getting married is one of the biggest decisions you will ever make because it really is life-changing. As well as you might know the person to whom you’re pledging your love and loyalty—for better or worse—you simply cannot know what your future will hold (try as you might). Of course, you have hopes and dreams and can imagine what your life together might be like… But you cannot be certain. And uncertainty can make the best of us a bit jittery, especially as the big day draws closer and everything becomes more real. Many women wonder if these feelings during their engagement are red flags. Is it normal to feel this way or is there something wrong in the relationship? Should you be

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Handle My Friend’s Anxiety?

By Dr. Zoe / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Tired Friend’ Asked: How do you deal with a friend with a mental illness? I have a friend with anxiety who really grinds my gears. At this point, I just want to walk away from the friendship. It just takes too much work. Too much biting of my tongue and I’m just not willing to commit to that. Not at this point in my life. Any help would be appreciated. Dr. Zoe Answered: Your feelings about your friend probably say less about her anxiety and more about the health of your relationship. If the relationship were strong, you would probably be asking a different question. The biggest issue is that your relationship isn’t reciprocal. When the emotional burden is tipped more in

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