(A reflection on Exodus 17, Psalm 23, and Exodus 33)
I’m lying down right here
I can’t take another step
You say this is a pasture
And yet, it feels like death.
I can’t find the water
I can’t catch my breath
Are You even with me?
You promised—but have You left?
Where is Your rod?
I don’t sense Your staff
I’m scared here in the dark
Where evil seems to laugh.
I can’t find my way
You say there is a path
It rides upon Your name
And yet, my questions must be asked.
Do You even see me?
Or do You just not care?
Is it all a lie?
Or are You simply unaware?
My heart’s in dangerous water
Cold, quiet, hard
But really… it’s just tired
From all the ways it has been marred.
So set the table, Jesus
For You’re my only hope
And save me from self-pity
And these ways I’ve learned to cope.
Because I want the feast
But what I really need’s a smile
The warmth of You, my Friend
I haven’t seen You in a while.
Please sit with me and tell me
Of Your goodness up ahead
And trail me with your mercy
And be my living Bread.
Please grace me with Your presence
And heal my broken heart
And show me that what feels like death
Is really just the start
Of vision unencumbered
To see glory once obscured
By human limitations
And a will that can’t endure
Without Your very Spirit
Breathing life into my soul
Bringing life into my body
And changing everything I know
About what goodness is
About Your very heart
About what kindness is
About how true life starts.
Because I want You more
Than a life free from pain
And so I’ll die a million deaths—
To rise and see Your face.
For with each death I die
I discover something True
For when I wake again
My first glimpse is of You.
And, oh, I gasp for breath
At the beauty that I see
And tears slip down my face
To find your gaze is set on me.
For if Your eyes are on me
It could only mean one thing
That I have found acceptance
From the holy King of kings.
Because another lamb
More beautiful than I—
Shed His perfect blood
So I should never die
The death that I deserve
The death that I have earned
The death that has no hope
Because—that death—He overturned.
So now I look to Jesus
And find my only Savior
And in the heart of God
I am looked upon with favor
Despite my many questions
Despite my calloused heart
Despite my false suspicions
I was always set apart.
And not for cruel intentions
Or carelessly set aside
Never once was I forgotten
You never left my side.
But pain can make me do that…
Go deaf, and cold, and blind
Senses all distorted
Make Your hand seem hard to find.
But really, it was moving—
Holding, shaping, soothing—
Carrying me through darkness
Unmerited love—forever proving.
So here I am, Lord Jesus
My life is Yours to keep
For I know I’m in green pastures
If I am your beloved sheep.
