How difficult could it be? I’ve always made friends easily and was sure, with a little effort, it wouldn’t be long before I felt connected to my new hometown.
And three years in, I had my quiver full—of acquaintances. Fun ladies at the gym, smiling faces at church, and a neighborhood book club, but I still hadn’t crossed paths with the friend: the one who reaches back when you reach out; the one who laughs with you (maybe even with a snort) at life; and the friend who knows your Mama’s name and why she drives you crazy. Most importantly, the one who listens with her heart when unbidden tears threaten to fall.
Some seasons in life are ripe for making new friendships. As a mom of young children, it seemed friends grew on trees. All you had to do was pick them off the ground, literally. We all needed a hand up, and hungered for a boost of Mommy courage.
But the retirement years are not as prolific. Most people have reaped the harvest of their building years, and they don’t want more friends.
I do keep in touch with my life-long friends from home and always will. But, I also can’t place a video call every time I go shopping for jeans to ask if they make my butt look too big. I need local ladies for that.
I’ll admit, it’s crossed my mind once or twice to run back to my former life, but where’s the adventure in that? Nope, I knew I needed to give myself one more chance. It was time to get down and dirty. So, I devised a plan.
Want More Friends? Try This Unique Plan
A few years ago, I read a book called People Fuel by psychologist John Townsend. In it, he explains the whys and hows of creating a life team. It’s a tried and true technique for drumming up healthy cohorts in life. And it involves secretly interviewing them for the position of ‘friend’.
I’m serious. Don’t hang up. You’re going to love this idea because it worked.
The role of a friend in a person’s life should not be taken lightly. After all, we’re putting our lives in their hands; it’s risky business.
And I’m not the kind of girl you can just pick up on any street corner; I have standards.
Although at one point I was lonely enough to consider finding a friend by hitch-hiking and allowing kismet to choose. The first person to pick me up would be my bestie, I mean, how nice of them!
Okay, not really. But if you’re seriously looking to make a life-long friend, you can’t go hunting in random places. You need a plan.
John suggests seven types of relationships. I’ll focus on three.
3 Types of Relationships
Casuals
Casuals are low-commitment, enjoyable relationships. You occasionally get together for dinner or coffee. Maybe you meet up at your child’s sporting events. Casuals keep us living in the here and now. “A good casual friend keeps us in balance, away from too much ruminating on the past or worrying about the future.”
Colleagues
Then there are Colleagues. Currently, we’re seeing a massive shift in the workplace as businesses recognize the benefit of employees connecting in person. Colleagues can encourage each other when a big account is lost, and give high-fives when you succeed. If a co-worker isn’t producing, the right kind of environment provides structure and accountability.
Comrades
Finally, Comrades. These are your life team people. A life team friend “knows all about you and can handle it all, just as you know you can handle everything about them…they are in it for the mutual growth process.” (pg. 169)
A sweet little book I’ve favored for many years, Relationships: What It Takes to Be a Friend, categorizes friendships as friends along the way, friends for the hike, and friends for the journey.
Friends along the way describe my acquaintances at the gym. They’re people we can talk and commiserate with. “Our lives are composed of a string of moments, and these casual, mostly unplanned encounters add color, and refreshment, and stimulating variety to the moments of our passage.”
Companions, she says, are friends for the hike. You don’t pass them on the trail; instead, you choose to walk in the same direction, share common interests, and engage in a common activity. You may plan a trip together or bike at the same time each week, followed by coffee on the way home. It’s good companionship.
Then there are the intimate friends, a friend for the journey. This friend is the one who values sharing from her heart and sees things through a similar lens we do. We can know them on a deeper level, not just who they are and what they do, but why they are and where they are on life’s journey.
Whether you refer to them as comrades or a friend for the journey, this type of close friendship doesn’t just happen. Sometimes it seems that way, when you meet a person and you just ‘click’ with them. But realistically, these close friendships require care and maintenance. They are a treasure that will grow more precious over time if cared for properly.
So, now that we understand what we’re looking for, we can begin the ‘interview process.’
The Interview Process
I began by reaching out to a few of my acquaintances from church. We had worked on an event together, and I found them fun, ethical, and friendly, so I reached out to them individually and casually asked, “Hey, would you like to have coffee sometime? I haven’t seen you in a while, and it would be nice to catch up.”
As you’re talking over coffee, notice if they bring up a struggle in life, maybe with their family or job, and be there for them. Don’t try to go deep, just be empathetic. On your side of it, you’ll want to be prepared to take a small risk and share something as well. See if they respond with similar empathy. If they do, ask for a second coffee date.
I’ve had to learn some of this the hard way. At first, I made all the mistakes. I would go too deep too fast and give my life story, or worse, I’d give advice, how embarrassing. There’s also the self-referencing response, turning the conversation about you in an attempt to say ‘we’re on the same page’ when what you’ve done is turn the page away from them onto you.
After a couple of coffee dates with two women who felt like a fit, I asked if they’d be interested in the three of us getting together. Today, we’re a group of five who meet monthly, and I’m starting another group that wants to meet bi-monthly for devotions.
With a small amount of coordination, we meet at a local coffee shop, and I usually bring a question for them or a quote. This month, I asked them to share a favorite fall recipe. We’re still getting to know each other, and this is a great way to foster fun conversation.
Take Action
If you want to meet new friends, take the initiative to make the first move. Consider attending a smaller group event, such as a women’s retreat, or joining a Bible study group to make your first invitation. Each of the women I invited was eager and blessed to be part of something, and all have described feeling lonely and disconnected before our dates.
I’m still in touch with my long-time friends. No one can replace 30 years of life together, but the laughter, camaraderie, and hugs from my new friends have given me a reason to call my new town “home”.
