Our counselor literally threw a new concept at us. Pulling a pillow from her chair, she tossed it at our feet. “This pillow represents your relationship.”
My husband of 10 years and I sat side-by-side in weekly counseling sessions, but our hearts were miles apart. Our marriage had grown cold, and our opinions on everything clashed: child-rearing, finances, politics, vacations, and even yard work, for heaven’s sake.
His tight-set jaw and clenched fists kept me close to tears and on edge. Unsure of what was going on inside him, I felt lonely and shut out.
Want to Save Your Marriage? Try Looking at it This Way
My usual nature would be to claw my way over the wall between us and force my way in—not a pretty picture. Forcing conversation was a boundary breaker that was hard for me to keep. I knew patience was in order, but with my nervous system on high alert, I was eager to work through this and save our marriage as soon as possible.
The counselor looked at me and identified “Wife”, then at him and said, “Husband.” Then she pointed at the Pillow: “Relationship.” We nodded in understanding.
“So, I have a question for you,” she said. “How do you want to treat the Pillow? Do you want to keep this abuse going?”
Over the previous years, we had stomped on our Pillow, hit each other with it, screamed into it, blamed it, and ignored it. All of which the therapist had witnessed in her office.
If we were going to save our marriage, each of us would have to take ownership of our actions, rather than pointing fingers and placing blame.
She continued, “Try to understand your Pillow’s vulnerabilities. Take time to consciously appreciate its potential to bring comfort. Read the signs when it requires gentle care. Protect it from being torn apart by abuse.”
We looked at each other and then away, knowing she was right.
We left her office in thoughtful silence, slipped into our cold car, and drove home without words. I ruminated on her question as I stared out the passenger window, “How do I want to treat the pillow?”
Turning the Question on Myself
As I moved through the following week, our counselor’s example prompted me to examine what I wanted for our relationship. Rather than focusing on my needs, was I willing to forgive with patience? Could we identify a vision for our future and our family without fighting over opposing values? What kind of partner did I want to be, and whom did I want to be married to?
And, I had to ask myself in all honesty, “What is it like to be married to me?” Or a better question, “Would I want my son married to a woman like me?”
Some marriages bear the crushing weight of their partners’ combined immaturity and past hurts. We hadn’t learned skills like reflective listening, and we underestimated the challenges each brought to the marriage. We entered marriage naively, thinking our love would cure whatever we carried inside.
But a Pillow’s job is not to solve all a person’s problems; it’s to bring comfort in hard times, to foster trust and freedom, and to mold into a safe place for the couples who lie their heads together at the end of the day.
We had sorely misunderstood the purpose and capacity of our Pillow.
How to Wait Well for Transformative Change
I began a wish list that included me growing in patience, him listening and responding, camaraderie, and clearly understood expectations. And I wanted to abolish sarcasm.
But this is where it became more difficult. My husband didn’t jump on the assignment as eagerly as I did, stating, “Just because someone said something in an office doesn’t mean I have to listen.”
The truth hurt. I was the only one working to save our Pillow.
Refusing to lose hope, I began another list I called, “Waiting Well”, a challenge I usually give myself when God’s answer to my prayer is “Wait.”
In this case, I could:
mourn my husband’s lack of cooperation
practice not blaming
pray specifically for us and our relationship
take care of my body
reach out to a trusted friend for support and prayer
focus on valuing the Pillow’s best attributes
choose mercy
refuse to live in a defensive, argumentative state
write Bible verses and positive “I will” phrases to stay on the offensive
celebrate small achievements
Outcomes Depend on Each Partner’s Commitment to Change
If you’re in the thick of a hurting and confused marriage, I want to encourage you to keep fighting for it. (Unless you’re in a situation that is not safe for you or your children).
Why? Because every Pillow can experience restoration. It can be washed clean and refilled with new fiber.
But, here’s the key: A marriage transformation requires that each partner experience their own healing and renewal. Outcomes will vary more due to the level of dedication and effort than because of actual differences.
When Jesus asked the lame man if he wanted his body healed, He was implying the man would no longer be reliant on others to carry him through life. No longer a beggar, he would have to stand on his own two feet and, for the first time in his 40-year life, be responsible for himself. His life would change completely.
Restoration Requires Sacrifice
His restoration would require sacrifice.
And sacrifice is what’s needed to love each other as Jesus loves his bride, the Church. Marriage turns our focus from ‘me’ to ‘us’. It is not a joining of two halves hoping to make a whole. It’s two whole people standing up to take responsibility for how they will serve the other. So, ask yourself, “Am I better at loving our Pillow today than I was the day we married?”
With this in mind, go for broke. Ask your partner to weigh the cost and benefits of seeking true marital transformation. If that’s not possible, work on yourself. Commit to a renewal of heart, mind and body, take responsibility for your shortcomings, and focus on the Lord, the true Healer, to lead you through these difficult times. Engage a qualified Christian therapist, a mentor and/or join a Bible study. Do something.
My marriage lasted 10 years, and the Lord was there for every minute of the good years and in the ripping apart of our entwined lives. It was the most painful experience of my life to date. And it has become my most significant monument of faith. There is life after betrayal, divorce, lost dreams, and brokenness.
Beloved, you may be at the end of your hope. You probably feel alone and have run out of options. I know (I really know) you’ve tried so very hard, and I’m proud of you for doing your very best.
But hear this. Even if you can’t save your marriage, you have not failed.
If you’re confident you’ve done everything the Lord asked of you, you’ll be free to move forward with no guilt or shame. We all have marriage blunders, but please don’t continue to beat yourself up when all is said and done. You did your best, now give God the rest.
We all have a long way to go to become like Christ, and most of us still walk with a limp when it comes to loving well. Surrender your agenda, the injustices you’ve held on to, and put it all in His hands. Trust Him and He will carry you to the finish line.
