Picture this: I was sleeping soundly for a change on a recent Saturday night. I say “for a change” because, in this phase of my life, a solid night’s sleep is more of a pleasant surprise than a guarantee. Then, suddenly and without warning, the unmistakable sound of a very loud Facebook pop-up ad disrupted my slumber. I knew immediately what had happened.
My husband had the unmitigated nerve to lie beside me while scrolling through Facebook at 3 a.m. He quickly silenced the ad, but it was too late. He wasn’t fast enough to avoid the wrath welling up inside me.
I popped out of bed in a huff and the tirade began. I let him have it. He said it was an accident… blah blah blah… he said he was sorry… blah blah blah. I wouldn’t hear of it.
My diatribe continued without so much as an inhale as I explained how incredibly inconsiderate it was for him to be on his phone in bed at 3 a.m. I lamented that I would never sleep again after such a disturbance. I explained why his behavior had hurt my feelings with unbelievable insensitivity.
Of course, the more I tried to clearly lay out the facts, the angrier he got. Can you imagine? He got mad at me? How was that possible? If he could only see it from my perspective, he would understand. But no matter how hard I tried, he just didn’t see it the same way I did.
I finally gave up and stomped off to the living room, making as much noise as possible. On purpose. If I am honest, I kind of expected him to follow.
As I sat on the couch alone in the wee hours of the morning, the anger began to well up inside me. I thought of all the times this type of behavior had shown up before. He had been inconsiderate more times than I could count. There was the time he turned on the bathroom light and it shined in my eyes when I was trying to sleep. Or the time when he got in bed later than me and woke me up. The more I added up the offenses, the madder and more resolved I became. It was just a cold hard fact: He was disrespectful, self-centered, and rude.
But something happened as I sat there counting the list of his offenses. As my head caught up with my emotions, something hit me squarely between the eyes. I had the stark realization that what I was really feeling was resentment.
What Is Resentment?
Me being the person I am, I felt it necessary to get to the bottom of what resentment really was. After all, this seemed like a pretty heavy emotion. Surely I wasn’t resentful. In my mind, harboring resentment is reserved for bitter old angry women. I clearly didn’t fit into that category. Or did I?
I found out after a quick internet search that resentment is a secondary emotion that often accompanies anger. Okay, I was angry, no doubt about that. I read that it builds over time and is a culmination of unresolved anger. Unresolved anger? You mean like all the times I got mad at him for being inconsiderate? It shows up when there are feelings of hurt, injustice, or unmet expectations. Wait a minute, unmet expectations? We may be on to something here.
Unmet Expectations
As I thought about it more, it hit me: The anger I felt toward my husband could be tracked back to my unmet expectations. I had a whole invisible list of expectations he didn’t even know existed. Things like: “Don’t scroll through Facebook at 3 a.m. next to your sleeping wife.” I mean, come on, isn’t that common sense? Apparently not.
To me, it wasn’t about the ad popping up. It was about the fact that he was doing it in the first place. It felt inconsiderate, like my need for peace and sleep didn’t even cross his mind. That’s where the unmet expectations come in. It’s not so much that he broke a rule; it’s that I had an unspoken expectation that he would just know better. To me, that seemed obvious. To him, it was just an accident. I would never be so inconsiderate of him. I always try to think of his needs first. Shouldn’t I expect the same from him?
When Resentment Creeps Into Your Marriage, Check Your Motives
That question kept bouncing around in my head. And the more I reflected, the more I realized that a lot of the frustration I feel in relationships comes from the invisible contract I create in my mind: I give, I try to be thoughtful, I try to anticipate needs, and somewhere along the way, I expect it to be returned in kind. Let me say that again: I expect it in return.
If I am giving consideration, love, and good deeds, shouldn’t that come from my heart? Not from a place where anything is expected in return. Shouldn’t I give out of love?
I had to check my motives. I wondered why I seemed to always give expecting something else. I had to dig deep. Love for me always seemed conditional, like something I had to earn. For many years, my relationship with God was like this—a checks-and-balances system I had created in my mind. You do good, you get love. You do bad, it disappears.
My default has always been: Work to earn it. With God, I finally learned to accept His love, and then my obedience flowed from my love for Him, not because I expected anything in return.
With my husband, the lesson hadn’t sunk in yet. I started to understand that many times in my marriage, I gave from the wrong motivation. I wasn’t always giving from my heart. Instead, I was giving out of obligation, or sometimes even fear, fear that if I didn’t give, he might not love me anymore.
A Lesson from Mary and Martha
As I questioned my own motives, a Bible story came to mind. In Luke 10:38-42, Jesus is visiting the home of two sisters, Mary and Martha. Martha, no doubt, was expecting Jesus’ visit and was doing all the things women do to prepare for a special guest. She wanted everything perfect. She probably tried some new recipes, set the table with her mom’s china, and ran around making sure all the glasses were filled and the guests were comfortable. Everything was perfect, and she was almost ready to serve the feast she had painstakingly prepared without help.
Martha marched up to Jesus and told on Mary: “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
And just like Jesus always does, he saw straight through Martha’s angry heart and into her motives. He said, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed, or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Martha’s motives were all wrong. She was busy giving, but her giving came from worry and the need to perform, not from a place of simply being with Jesus. He gently reminded her that she didn’t have to earn His love. It was already there, freely offered, and all He wanted was her presence.
Understanding Your Motives
Once I admitted to myself that my giving wasn’t always coming from a pure place, the next question hit me: How do you know your motives are right? It takes honesty, introspection, and a willingness to admit uncomfortable truths. After reflecting on my own patterns, I noticed a few signs that giving might be coming from obligation, performance, or expectation rather than genuine love:
- You feel tense or frustrated. If giving makes you anxious, resentful, or like you’re holding your breath, your heart isn’t fully in it. Think Martha, running around polishing her mom’s china while Mary just chills on the couch.
- You secretly expect something in return. A text, a thank-you, a pat on the back—if you’re counting points, your motives are mixed. True giving doesn’t come with a scoreboard.
- The joy is in the outcome, not the act. If you give to be seen or praised, the focus is on appearances, not love. Real generosity is about the act itself, not the applause.
- You feel obligated, not willing. When giving feels like a chore, a checkmark, or a “must-do” list item, it’s probably not from the heart. Freedom and choice are key.
- You compare yourself to others. “I did more than them” or “I gave, but they didn’t”—that’s a red flag. Heartfelt giving doesn’t tally points or play mental games.
- You’re secretly trying to earn love or approval. The big one: If fear drives your giving, you’re in performance mode. That’s where I saw my own patterns in marriage—giving out of fear rather than pure love.
It Wasn’t About My Husband at All
Thinking about all of this finally helped me see why that 3 a.m. Facebook moment made me so mad. It wasn’t really about the ad. It was about the expectations I had built up in my own head. I give, I try to be thoughtful, I try to anticipate needs. So shouldn’t he? When he didn’t, that was when resentment creeped into my marriage.
Just like Martha, I was busy “doing” and trying to give perfectly, but part of me was giving out of obligation or fear. Fear that if I didn’t, he might not love me the way I wanted.
Seeing this in myself was uncomfortable, but it helped me start untangling the real roots of my anger and frustration. It wasn’t about him. It was about me and the patterns I’ve carried for years.
Looking back, it’s kind of funny. The ad woke me up, but maybe that’s exactly what I needed—a little wake-up call about my own heart. I’m still learning how to give without expecting something in return. I may still get angry, and I may still grumble about 3 a.m. Facebook pop-ups, but I am learning not to let that anger turn into resentment.
