I’ve always been a wilderness girl. I grew up camping and hiking. In my 20s, I discovered the joy of throwing 25-30 pounds of supplies in a backpack and jaunting off into the woods for days (or even weeks). Now, in my 30s, I’m learning that spiritual wildernesses are different.
When we talk about wilderness seasons, we often mean that we feel alone or we can’t see the way out. But they are also places of testing and refinement. As I’ve reflected on biblical wildernesses, two examples stand out: Israel’s wanderings after leaving Egypt, and Jesus’ temptation. Jesus’ experience is a parallel fulfillment of Israel’s. He accomplished what Israel couldn’t and gave us an example of how to endure seasons of testing and temptation.
Sometimes it feels almost prideful to say that I’m being tested, whether by God, Satan, or both. But I can’t ignore what God revealed in a recent wilderness season: I need to depend on God, not on myself.
What Am I Depending On?
Last fall, I decided to cut back my sugar and snack intake. As general rules, I limit myself to a dessert snack three times a week, and I don’t eat after 8 pm. I didn’t do this for a spiritual or weight-related reason, I just wanted to curb cravings and stop binge eating snacks.
Immediately, things began happening, though I didn’t realize it right away:
- An ovarian mass popped up out of seemingly nowhere, and it took three anxious months to get the appointments I needed to make a game plan for treatment, requiring surgery while my husband was away for training.
- I skipped a lot of holiday baking because we had other treats from friends, but that hurt my heart a little because holiday baking helps me feel connected to family, despite geographic distance.
- Right after New Year’s, my husband left for a 10-week training, which immediately kicked off toddler sleep issues that persisted (and worsened, to a degree) the whole time he was gone.
On their own, each challenge would be hard. Any two together would be overwhelming. But with all three, I was honestly struggling to survive. That’s when I fully realized how much I use food for comfort. I had to actively choose not to eat my feelings and stress. Chocolate wouldn’t help the situation, and in the past, my justification would be that it wouldn’t make things worse, either.
This time, though, I was choosing self-control. I knew that otherwise, I would try to use food to bring me comfort and peace instead of leaning into God. And make no mistake, it was a fight to lean into God in this wilderness. Because honestly, some days it seemed like it didn’t make a difference. Same amount of anxiety, stress, and tears, just with less chocolate.
Choosing Self-Control and Godly Dependence
I’ve often been wary of comparing myself to Job. I wonder if it’s prideful to think that the enemy would ask God for permission to sift me like wheat.
But the reality is that I am God’s child and I am seeking Him. I made a choice to practice self-control, and Satan knew how powerful that could be. I believe he took action right away to tempt me into caving.
Did he cause all the issues I was facing? Most likely not, but he certainly kept reminding me that a sweet treat might soothe my emotions. And those reminders stayed constant, despite fighting them on a regular basis.
As I survived another day of a napless toddler who was ready to start the day by (or before) 6 am, I found that the battle often came down to choosing a prayer of gratitude and a petition over a cookie. Asking God for peace and rest instead of triggering dopamine for a few minutes with some sugar.
Did it fix things? No.
Did it even change things greatly? No.
But I do know that practicing self-control has been growing something even more in me:
- Self-control chooses the Lord over all things.
- Self-control feels the urge to snap at my toddler and chooses grace instead.
- Self-control feels the urge to blame God for everything that seems to be going wrong and chooses instead to see His hand giving me strength beforehand or rest afterward.
- Self-control feels forsaken and alone and chooses to look for God’s love surrounding me.
As we’ve struggled through this season, there absolutely have been moments where I’ve cried out to God, asking why He hasn’t stepped in to help in the way I want. Many of my cries have been tearful pleas for God to show me His love for me. I know that God loves me, but I don’t always feel it. And when everything seems like it’s going wrong, fighting to believe feels like energy I don’t have. It takes self-control to choose to believe God’s word over a despairing narrative.
The enemy has tempted me to question God’s love for me. After all, a loving God should cure my toddler’s sleep issues, right? Yet this season has been huge in helping me better understand God’s love for me and how it shows up in my life. God does not take away every hardship. He grows us through them.
I haven’t withstood temptation perfectly, but by clinging to the Lord and honestly bringing the hardships to Him, I’ve at least been able to stand. And that is what we’re called to do in Ephesians 6—to put on the armor of God and stand. I’m not the one drawing up the battle plan. I’m just preparing myself and standing ready for God’s instruction.
Look For God’s Love and Provision In Your Wilderness Season
Spiritual warfare looks different than we might expect. In this season, the spiritual battle has been exchanging my dependence on comfort foods for dependence on God (I know, it sounds so silly, but seriously, I see this connection playing out). Each day, I have to choose faith in His faithfulness instead of despair (and sugar). I’m not relying on physical things to mask aches and struggles. I’m looking at them in the face and confessing that there’s no way I can shoulder it alone. I’m asking God to help me, to hold me, and then I’m reaching out to my community and making specific requests.
The Israelites wandered the wilderness for 40 years because of their own sin and rebellion. Jesus fasted in the wilderness for 40 days because the Spirit was showing humanity there is another way. Our wilderness seasons often fall somewhere in between. The duration is different, the purpose is different. But one thing I am seeing is that the wilderness is where I find God’s love.
The wilderness depletes us. Instead of living with everything we need already stockpiled, we wait on God to provide daily. We must depend on God, looking for His hand. And when we see His hand, we understand how we need to engage with it.
The Israelites had to go out and collect their food each day.
Jesus relied on Scripture to carry Him through until the angels came and met His needs.
For me, it’s been expressing my faith in God by asking His people for help, for connection, provision, and support. It’s been honestly telling people how to pray for me. Acknowledging what feels hard and too heavy for me to carry. And working on prayer as my first response, not my last resort.
I’m not doing it perfectly. I wish I didn’t have to do it at all, but how else would I learn? I’m reminded, though, of the words from a Dominic Balli song, “may we never lose in the light what we found in the dark.”
I hope that, once we’re on the other side of this season, I don’t revert to self-sufficiency and independence (and not only because I don’t want to have to learn this lesson again). I hope that, instead, I can continue to see how God loves me and uses all of creation and His children to show me, each and every day.
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