The same place that is balm for my soul brings a biting sting to my heart, and maybe yours too: the beach. The breezy relief on a hot day and the sand that grounds my feet in reality also makes me painfully aware of all that we’ve lost. If you have no idea what I’m describing, then you’re extremely fortunate. For the rest of us, you know what I mean. And there’s someone who needs this today.
Heartbreak After Loss
I am not at all actively grieving or walking through loss. I’ve done that, and we’ve made a beautiful and full life in spite of it. I live life with a perspective I didn’t have before. And yet, it’s also true that the ache never goes away.
Seeing the dads with kids the same age as mine will always be a reminder that my kids lost theirs. And the “empty nest” stage me and Chad were looking forward to will be empty in a way I never would’ve expected. That newborn baby under the tiny little hat is probably a stabbing reminder of grief to the woman who just lost hers in a miscarriage—or for the one who wonders if she’ll ever know the joy of motherhood.
How about the sweet little sandy wedding happening near you? It probably guts your heart because you just signed divorce papers you never wanted, or it happened a while ago and you’re still walking the hard road of healing. Now your weekends are shared co-parenting instead of taking that bucket list family trip you planned together.
The couple holding hands hits you in the face with the reminder that you are still single—or single again—and you’re beginning to think you won’t ever find your person. The child that’s the same age as the one you just buried? That’s heartbreak on a level no parent should know.
Warmer days, and the beach in particular, has a way of showing us the loss we carry, because that’s when the world comes out to play; what’s missing from our lives is now magnified by seeing it for someone else. And these are only some of the hard and heavy things we carry: the medical diagnosis; the risky surgery; the estranged child. The list is endless, and it feels like the weight of the pain might actually crush you at times.
Experiencing Grief? Know You’re Not Alone
For some, this pain is brand new, and you’re just trying to do the next thing. For others, it’s been a while, and you’ve learned to live with the weight of sorrow, and maybe regret, while still living life. It can feel isolating when it seems like you’re the only one in your close circle walking a really lonely road.
Whatever your timeline, please know that you are seen. Your tears matter and your pain is valid. Grief is not linear, and we all move forward at a different pace and rhythm. I know it’s hard.
There were so many days and weeks that turned into years that I began to wonder if I would ever not be sad. Would the buoyancy of my heart that I once had, that now seems to elude me, ever return? Was feeling like I had to manufacture happiness just what my life was now?
Joy Does Return
You’re not alone. I’ve been there, and the good news is I’m not anymore. Joy did slowly return over time. I found myself laughing again from the deep places that once felt hollow. At one point my kids commented how good it was to hear my real, genuine laughter! That’s a gift I was able to give them as they walked out their own grief journey.
I found myself no longer walking out my days like my identity was widowhood. Sure, it was a major part of my life, but it didn’t define who I was. I wondered if hobbies and activities that I used to enjoy had lost their sparkle for good, and guess what? It turns out I do still love to shop for a great deal, tackle a good DIY project, and bake cinnamon rolls from scratch for my starving kiddos.
An unexpected silver lining to my pain is that I’ve re-discovered who I am and what makes me tick in ways I didn’t know before and wouldn’t have been able to had I not walked through loss. The fiery and painful trial has made me so much stronger, resilient and more capable of walking with others going through their own heartache, and I would have not been equipped to carry that before. I never would’ve chosen this road, but I am deeply grateful for the lessons the journey has taught me along the way.
