Relational breaks are unavoidable in our fallen world. Sometimes we have falling outs over minor things that, once we’ve cooled down, can be resolved. Sometimes, for health and safety reasons, a break has to be decisive and permanent. And sometimes, we get caught in the messy middle, where reconciliation is not guaranteed and we feel like we’re the main characters in a choose-your-own-adventure—but someone else is choosing. If they choose X, I will do Y. But if they choose Y, I have to do Z.
Several years ago, I was staring a relational break in the face. As I and others faced the reality of the abuse we’d been enduring for years, it seemed obvious that a decisive and permanent break was coming. Imagine my surprise when God began gently instructing me to build a bridge instead.
He reminded me of Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men (NKJV).” Even if we aren’t the ones choosing the adventure twists and turns, we can always choose to live peaceably or not. God made it clear that the only way to be free of the anger that surged whenever I heard the person’s name was to walk on the narrow path toward peace.
I want to acknowledge briefly that not every relationship can or should be restored. I don’t know the specifics of your situation, but as you seek the Lord in prayer, I know He will guide you in what is right and safe for your relationship. These tips on walking toward peace still apply to relationships that aren’t being restored. Even permanently broken relationships desperately need God’s healing.
How to Cultivate Compassion
Jesus commands us to love our enemies and to forgive those who sin against us (Matthew 5:43-48), and He means it. It is impossible to walk in love without compassion.
In the Bible, compassion shows up as actions, feelings, and a mixture of both. It is desiring the ultimate best for someone, while acknowledging that they also must want and pursue it. Compassion isn’t a tool we use to change people, but God’s compassion—to and through us—will always lead to change when it’s genuinely accepted.
So how can we use compassion to build a bridge over our waters of hurt?
7 Actions to Restore a Broken Relationship
Pray
When we pray for someone, our hearts change. We entrust them to God, and we entrust ourselves to God. Then we begin to see ourselves and others the way God sees us all: as broken and beloved humans. Prayer is the doorway to forgiveness, which is essential to any true reconciliation. What do we pray for?
- We can pray that they grow to know God and His love more deeply.
- We can pray that they choose submission and confession and then walk in the blessings those postures bring.
- We can pray that God would work in both of us to bring peace and healing so that we can glorify Him with a testimony of redemption.
Prayer isn’t a behavior modification tactic. Our prayers should be more than a petition that God would show them that we are right and they are wrong. Instead, we can pray that they would no longer be deceived about or by their sin and that they would choose to walk in the light. We don’t pray this from a place of pride, though, but from a place that longs for their ultimate repentance and restoration to God.
Prayer will change us more than it changes them. Don’t be surprised when you find God working the same things in you that you’ve been praying for someone else. I prayed over my broken relationship, and God revealed areas where I needed to submit and confess, areas where I needed to step aside to let Him work healing.
When we’ve been hurt, it’s easy, and maybe even natural, to see primarily how someone else contributed to the situation. When we pray, even if our prayers start focused on “them,” God gently does a work in us, too.
Prayer is a first step in healing because it prepares us to offer grace, mercy, and forgiveness to those who have hurt us, without strings attached. We can step into what feels like an emotionally risky situation, equally ready for restoration or firm boundary setting.
Set Boundaries
Perhaps you’ve heard or understood Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 5:38-42 (go the second mile, turn the other cheek) as meaning that we can’t set boundaries with people. That’s so far from the truth. We can and should limit the ways people can hurt us, as well as limit the ways we allow ourselves to be triggered and upset.
Here’s a personal example that is a little silly, but has had a significant impact on me: At this juncture in relationship building, I won’t engage in yard games with my hard person. For years, what should have been recreational fun always felt like pressure to be perfect. Never mind that I never played horseshoes until I was an adult—somehow this backyard barbecue game had a direct correlation to my worth as a person, evidenced by the constant coaching on how I could do it better or comments on my misses. Perhaps that’s not how the person meant it, but that’s how I understood it.
So now, while the relationship is fragile, I choose not to engage in activities that will lead to comments or coaching. It’s not just about my hard person; it’s recognizing a part of me that needs healing and choosing to turn away from the lies I fabricate about how my value as a human is dependent on my ability to win a game of horseshoes.
While I am healing, the kindest thing I can do for myself and for this fragile relationship is to set a boundary—no yard games—that removes the possibility that this person’s coaching or comments can get inside my head and end with me creating a narrative that they think I’m less worthy because of my lack of skill.
It’s incredibly hard to rebuild a relationship when we’re actively being hurt—intentional or otherwise. When we set boundaries that remove our triggers from the equation, we can heal and grow to a place where a conversation about those triggers becomes possible.
Connect and Engage
When we’re hurt, I think the instinct for many of us is to disengage, to pull away to protect ourselves. This isn’t always wrong, but it’s something we must actively combat when we want to seek a restored relationship. We should be wise in how we connect and engage—too much too soon can do more harm than good. But we cannot expect something good to grow if we’re not willing to put in some vulnerable effort.
It’s OK to start small or in proportion to the relational break. When I was first seeking a way forward in my broken relationship, I did too much too soon. We were trying to tackle years’ worth of hurt, but neither of us was quite ready to hear the other. So I took a break, and then began to reengage in small ways that allowed both of us to connect or not, as we were willing and able. For me, this looked like texts on holidays and birthdays. The other person’s response then informed whether there was further connection and what kind of connection. Sometimes they replied with thanks or a returned greeting. Sometimes they would ask how I was.
It’s hard to start over at square one with small talk and surface-level conversation when you have history with someone. But when we’ve been hurt and need to establish a new history, sometimes this is the best way. We can’t erase the past, but we can choose to start on a fresh foundation.
I thought I needed to clear away all the emotional and relational rubble first. For my situation, that turned out to be ineffective. The initial foundation was faulty, and so a whole reset has been a better course of action. I know that someday we will have to deal with the wreckage if we want a deeper relationship. But at the same time, I know that I need to establish a new history on a foundation of emotional and relational safety before I’m able to go deeper.
Part of living in peace, for my situation, is doing the work and letting the other person know that if they want a relationship, the door is open. Maybe just a crack, but it is open.
Build Bridges Wisely
The world (and sometimes the church) loves to deal in absolutes. When it comes to relationships, we’re often given two options: cut them off or take them back without any conditions. This can lead to serious, toxic relational issues and codependency.
We should be wise and discerning when it comes to who we do life with, even (or especially) as Christians. We are commanded to forgive and pursue peace, but we are not commanded to reconcile. Reconciliation depends on all parties being willing to move toward resolution together. When someone is unwilling, we do our part to forgive and cultivate compassion, but we are under no obligation to give that person free rein in our lives, or even access at all.
Repent
The key to reconciliation is repentance. Not just an apology with words, but genuine, demonstrable life change. No more gossip, no more controlling behavior, no more hurtful comments. As much as we’d like it to, it’s not always an immediate halt in hurtful, relationship-breaking behavior. Habits take time to change. However, a repentant person will be open to hearing correction and how their words or actions are hurtful. If honest communication is not safe, it can indicate a lack of repentance.
God will work in both us and them to rebuild each person, even as we work to rebuild the relationship. The truth is, we will have some things to repent of as well. The sooner we acknowledge this, the sooner we’ll get on the same page as God and begin moving forward.
Practice Humility
We also need to be humble throughout the process of restoring a relationship. My hard person was emotionally and verbally abusive. That behavior is never justified, and no one ever deserves or causes that kind of behavior. However, I need to own that my responses were sinful. I tended toward spite—if this person wanted me to do X, that was now on my never-can-I-ever list. I engaged in gossip and gave my hurt and anger full rein of my tongue.
Humility requires me to acknowledge that, while I didn’t create the situation, for many years I was part of the problem. I allowed the sin against me to become an excuse to sin in return. This is equally never justified.
It wasn’t until I confessed my sin and began repenting that I could genuinely consider any sort of reconciliation. Up to that point, I truthfully saw myself as better than this person. Humility allowed me to realize that, in God’s eyes, the playing field is level and we’re both sinners.
Offer Grace
Restoration also needs mercy and grace. No one is perfect, so mistakes will happen. Relapses will occur. How we, and they, deal with them is an indicator of whether reconciliation is succeeding. Look for the balance between seeing old, harmful patterns and a misstep on the road to a new identity. One slip-up doesn’t mean it’s all a pretense. But an unwillingness to own a mistake, or the same mistake made over and over, can indicate that old patterns are still in play.
A Prayer for the Process
I know this is hard. I’ve walked through it. I’m still walking through it. Take comfort in knowing that, however your broken relationship plays out, God is working. He won’t waste it. And even if you fight with everything you have for restoration and it doesn’t work out, know that God is doing a work in you. It will serve some good purpose one day.
Father God,
You know the ins and outs of our broken relationships. You have created each one of us, and You intimately know us. You know that You have created us to love, to be connected, and to live in peace. Please cultivate those things in our hearts, Lord. Help us to choose compassion, to give Your Holy Spirit the most broken and hurt parts of ourselves, trusting that You are good and You are good to us.
For the ones looking for a bridge to heal their broken relationship, please speak comfort and truth to their hearts. Give them wisdom and discernment, mercy and grace. May Your will be done, and may it be a testimony that draws others to You.
In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.
