Ask Dr Zoe | Grit and Grace Life

Ask Dr. Zoe – Should I Stay in My Marriage at the Cost of My Happiness?

‘Languishing in London’ asked: Hi Dr. Zoe, I am currently in an unfortunate (self-induced) situation and am in need of clarity. I have a difficult decision I must make, one in which will affect several people’s lives in a hurtful way— regardless which path I take. With that, I will dive in. I have been in the same committed relationship practically my entire adult life. We have two children together and the youngest will be 19 this year. The word committed is used loosely here. We have not been good to each other in different ways. I have been unfaithful and he is unwilling to meet me halfway in terms of our financial wellbeing. I remain fiscally responsible for the lion’s share […]

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Parent with More Authority?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Struggling to Lead My Kids’ asked: Hi, Dr. Zoe, I have a 5- and 3-year-old and I already see how my kids run me over in a lot of ways. They listen to their dad and respect him much more than me. When it’s just me at home with them, they speak to me and treat me much differently (worse) than when he’s around. I wonder if it’s partly because they’re more comfortable with me since I’m always home with them. But I’m also sure a lot of this is because I struggle with saying no and sticking to boundaries. I’ve always been more of a follower than a leader, and I see my struggle to be a strong leader of my

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Can I Get a Promotion at Work?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Want a Promotion’ Asked: One of my goals for this year is to get a promotion. What’s the number one thing I can do to get noticed at work and prove to my boss he should promote me? I hate talking about myself but I know I’m good at my job and I’m valued in the workplace. Dr. Zoe Answered: I love working with women to help them get promotions! What better time than the new year to go after that promotion! There isn’t just one main thing that can lead to the promotion of your dreams. It’s a combination of things. So, I will give you the top ones: The most important thing to understand is that your value at work

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Leave Last Year Behind and Start Fresh?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Leaving the Past Behind’ Asked: Last year was emotionally draining, and I’m afraid I will carry all the stress, anxiety and tension into this year. Is there anything I can do to leave the past behind me and start fresh? Dr. Zoe Answered: Whenever someone says to me that they are worried, fearful or unsure about what they will choose to do in the future, I always stop them mid-sentence. I don’t even want to hear the rest—so stop! You are the only person in this world who controls you. You can hope and worry and wonder about everyone else’s behavior in this world except your own. You get to choose your own thoughts, behaviors, actions and ultimately your life. When you

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do We Teach Our Kids Compassion in a Culture So Divided?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Best Of

‘Concerned but Hopeful’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, As a mother and grandmother, I feel we are in uncharted territory in our culture. The innocence of children seems to be robbed from them in the world they live in, through every medium and outside influence they encounter. I believe that we can not nor should escape the culture in which we live, isolating ourselves from everyone that we disagree. But how do we as parents and grandparents protect while we prepare this young generation? How do we help them develop standards and integrity while instilling compassion and understanding within them? I think most mothers and grandmothers could sure use some guidance. Dr. Zoe Answered: I’m glad to hear that you are hopeful. Our children

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Defend My Kids from their Strict Stepfather?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Mother of 4’ Asked: Hello, I have been battling this for quite some time and just can’t seem to make a decision. My fiancé and stepfather to my children has a problem with everything my kids do, whether it’s coming down the stairs too hard, leaving pancake wrappers in the freezer with the other pancakes, not fully picking up after themselves, where they eat, if they leave little food crumbs on their desks, if their computers are too loud, if they are talking with their friends online and he can hear it, if they don’t say ‘hi’ or ‘bye’ etc… I’m literally going crazy. He doesn’t want to be their father but he wants to teach them how to be young men.

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I Struggle Making Decisions—Can I Get Over This?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Paralyzed by Indecision’ Asked: Dr. Zoe, I’ve always struggled with making decisions, both big and small. I’ve noticed this is a pattern in my family…both my mother and grandmother are the same way. I’ve gotten a little better, recognizing that indecision leaves me feeling paralyzed and telling myself that I can always re-adjust if a decision isn’t ideal. Why do you think making decisions feels so painful? I genuinely hate making them. And that frustrates me about myself because I know it’s not a big deal most of the time! What are some tips or things I can tell myself to work on this? Thank you! Dr. Zoe Answered: You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned the multigenerational pattern

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Boyfriend Retracted His Proposal—What Do I Do Now?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Audio Articles

‘Debra’ Asked: I am a widow; I’ve been seeing him for nine months. He asked me to marry him a couple of times joking around and I just didn’t respond because I thought it was joking. However, he proposed the last week of February and I just stood there staring with no response. He caught me off guard. They was a lot of commotion going on at the job, so I didn’t answer him right away. Later I said I loved him and I would marry him but he said I didn’t answer him when he asked so he got his answer then. I told him I loved him and wanted to marry him and he said it didn’t work that way

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Ask Dr. Zoe – How Do I Create Better Boundaries with My Boyfriend and His Daughter?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Marie’ Asked: How can I set up boundaries without generating turmoil between my boyfriend’s adult daughter who is 25 and myself? Her Dad always takes her side and she rules him/us when she comes and visits. Thank you, Dr Zoe. Dr. Zoe Answered: It seems to me that you need to create better boundaries with two people—your boyfriend and his daughter. It’s ironic that I often get the question, “how can I create boundaries without hurting someone’s feelings or without upsetting someone?” This is the very crux of the issue for pleasers. They are more concerned about upsetting anyone than they are about caring for themselves. As long as that remains the case, your boundaries will stay low. Unfortunately, setting boundaries upsets

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Step-Daughter Is Acting Out and I’m Ready to Give Up!

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘crvntsfam3’ Asked: Good afternoon; I’m a 39-year-old woman and my fiance is a 50-year-old man. I have four children from a previous relationship and he has one daughter (E). It is uncommon (but becoming more common) that his daughter lives with us. She is 10 and her mom left after dropping her off for her first day of kinder. She was constantly unfaithful and had/has no desire to be a mother. She hardly ever calls and never comes to visit (she lives around 700 miles away). I’ve been in E’s life for four years now and we are experiencing some growing pains recently. She has developed a lying habit and most recently, stealing from me. Now, don’t get me wrong, if she

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Friend Exhibits Hurtful, Toxic Behavior. Can I Help Her?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Meg the Muse’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe, My friend of 17 years behaves in strange, hurtful ways and I don’t know whether these things could indicate some sort of personality disorder or trauma. She gives the silent treatment, pushes her friends away, accuses other people of being out to get her or of disrespecting her boundaries without saying what those boundaries are, love bombs people and then cuts them off, holds grudges, cries and is embarrassed easily, has unrealistic standards and won’t accept criticism. This has been a pattern for many years now. She still lives with her parents, hasn’t dated in 5 years and refuses to step out of her comfort zone even a little bit. I love her and want

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Ask Dr. Zoe — I’m Lonely and Feel Like the Black Sheep; What Do I Do?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Audio Articles

(Listen to the audio version of this article here._ ‘Creativesoul’ Asked: Good Evening, I’m going through slight depression and I feel lonely. I moved from NYC with my son and don’t know many people. I have a few friends and I actually have a boyfriend, but I want him to do more with me. My older sister says I want him to fill my voids. I do activities with my son so he won’t feel lonely. I overthink, assume, and think the worst of things. If my boyfriend can’t make something and it happen more than once, I think the worst of him at times, and I feel like every time we try to go out he won’t make it. He’s treats

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Ask Dr. Zoe — Why Does God Refuse to Heal My Alcoholic Son?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Audio Articles

(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) ‘PetVet’ Asked: I am a 57-year-old mom of a 30-year-old alcoholic son. I feel that I cannot have joy/peace until he finds Christ/sobriety. This has created a loss of hope in me. I know God is all-powerful. I know He can heal him anytime. However, this means that He just chooses not to heal him. To be honest, I am tired. 13 years of hope and disappointment has left me in a pretty deep pit. How can I know God’s promises of an abundant life be true? Where can I find joy? I feel that my life is enduring. And that is it. Dr. Zoe Answered: My heart aches for you on the

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Ask Dr. Zoe — How Do I Connect With My Defensive Teenage Stepdaughter as a Stepdad?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Audio Articles

(Listen to the audio version of this article here.) ‘Love Life’ Asked: On the web I see a lot of what it is like being a stepmother to a teenager girl but not a stepfather. I’ve been in her life since she was two. She is now 14 and things have been tough. A lot of her behavior has become secluded, self-serving, and projects a defensiveness towards me in most things. It’s hard to strike up normal conversation. There is extreme bias to the mother, which is understandable in these situations but challenging. Her mother and I could say the same thing in the same tone and context but I’ll either get ignored or taken out of context negatively. There are dynamics

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Ask Dr. Zoe — Going to Therapy Gives Me Anxiety, Please Help!

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Sam’ Asked: Dear Dr. Zoe, I’ve been in therapy for going on two years now. I get anxiety thinking about what I should talk to my therapist about. He is nice and helpful, but there’s a few things that he just doesn’t get about my life and sees differently. I like that he challenges me to think differently, but there are parts of my life that I think you just don’t understand unless you’re living them. Sometimes I get anxiety just thinking about what I should talk to him about. I feel like I’ve gotten better enough, but I worry that I’m just lying to myself. I get anxiety thinking about what I should talk to my therapist about. Why have

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Ask Dr. Zoe – My Abusive Husband Received Clinical Help; Should I Go Back to Him?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe

‘Jennifer’ asked: I’m separated from my husband because he became abusive. He has gotten a lot of verified clinical help and is back to being the man I married. I have moved on and have a really great new guy because I felt totally thrown away, but my husband really wants me back now. What should I do? (Note, husband refuses to sign papers and COVID has had our courts closed anyway.) Dr. Zoe answered: Life is way more complicated than the basic rules of morality clearly state, isn’t it? I’m not sure if you are asking what’s your obligation to the marriage or what is in your best interest? My opinion is that the marital vows were broken when he crossed

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Ask Dr. Zoe – I Don’t Feel a Bond with My Newborn; Is this Normal?

By Dr. Zoe Shaw / Ask Dr. Zoe, Motherhood

‘First-time Mom’ asked: As a new mom, I sometimes feel guilty not having that initial bond with my newborn and miss my before-mom self. Is this normal and how or what is the best way to get rid of these thoughts? I love my little one a lot. Dr. Zoe answered: Dear Momma, Somehow society has created this often unspoken consensus that a good mother is all sacrificing and perfectly content to lose herself in motherhood. I don’t believe this, nor have I seen that it is healthy or creates a better outcome for children. I really despise the word “normal” and prefer to use “healthy” instead. There are many behaviors that are “normal” in our society that are not healthy and

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