The first weeks after my first child was born delivered a mix of overwhelming joy (so much love), constant doubt (Why is she crying? Too hot? Cold? Tired?), and those pesky baby blues.
While perhaps from the outside it might have seemed like the only difference was us having a baby in the house with all the demands of feeding on the clock, changing diapers, and experiencing sleepless nights, for me it was so much more than that: Motherhood had revolutionized my world.
Suddenly, I felt like so much in me was a contradiction. I stepped into a brand-new identity as a mom while holding pieces of my old self—a weird shift I couldn’t explain to anyone, including myself.
Motherhood changed my heart. I no longer wanted to go to the store if that meant my daughter wouldn’t get her much-needed nap. I no longer wanted to eat a hot meal if that meant she wouldn’t get her milk.
On the other hand, I struggled with my new role as a mother every time I needed to care for her and I was exhausted; every time I craved outdoor time and she needed to sleep in her crib; every time I wanted to cook dinner in peace and instead I had to juggle preparing food while rocking her and singing songs.
Do You Lose Your Identity In Motherhood?
Self-identity is a complex concept because it’s our perception of who we are based on how we spend our time, what we like (and don’t like), our beliefs, our thoughts, and our motivations. As such, our perception regarding our identity is often volatile; changing with the seasons.
As young mothers, our new identity consumes us: We ‘mother’ every second of our waking hours. (And when we’re asleep too!)
Not only that, but we’re driven by an entirely new instinct. (I once dreamt my daughter was sleeping in a drawer that began closing, and as I reached out to save her, I woke up falling off the bed.)
But then something else comes into the equation: the other part of ourselves, the one that existed before. As a mom to a tiny baby, I didn’t want to go to the store if that meant my daughter wouldn’t sleep, but I also craved time away from the full laundry basket, the toys to tidy, and the dirty dishes. Experiencing contradictory desires was a regular occurrence in my life. And still is, truth be told!
This is why, as mothers, we often feel we’re losing our sense of self. We know we’re different from before having kids, and yet we also know there are parts of us buried under layers of baby paraphernalia: our interests, our passions, our needs.
The world cashes in on this and tells us that the pre-mom person we used to be is where our real identity lies.
So then, at best, we see full-time mothering as an interlude from real life, and at worst, as a burden or a curse. Not in those terms, but the sentiment is there. All you need to do is go through a couple of blogs, social media posts, or online forums to find words like “drudgery,” “routine,” and “monotonous work” describing this stage of life.
Social pressure to leave the confines of the house and return to our careers, or to make motherhood a career by becoming a mom influencer, leads us to the belief that money, intellectual fulfillment, influence, recognition are where life is at. None of that boring, obscure mothering life for us, thank you!
And so we live in a constant state of friction. We feel the daily impact of motherhood in our instincts, thoughts, and beliefs, while holding on to the belief that our true self is buried beneath our child’s diaper bag.
When your worth is tied to being a perfect mom
Another reason we battle with a sense of identity loss is that as mothers, we often feel that if we don’t perform perfectly, we’re not deserving of the Mom title.
This was my problem as a young mom: I had created this belief that I needed to be a mother who never failed.
Every time someone criticized me for not:
- Putting a hat on my child on a sunny day,
- Weaning my child at four months old,
- Giving my child sweets instead of healthy food
- (Fill in the blank)
I felt I was failing at motherhood. I interpreted other people’s criticisms as facts about who I was as a mother—negligent, selfish, dumb—and believed them to be the truth that defined me.
Added to this perception of what others thought of me was my own perception of myself every time I failed when I was tired, clumsy, or forgetful:
- The time I forgot to take sunscreen to the park and my eldest child got burnt
- The time I dropped a tin of tomatoes on my middle child’s toe
- The time I put my youngest on a baby swing and he slipped down because I hadn’t fastened it correctly
Other times I failed because of my flesh:
- The times I shouted at my kids because they made a mess and I felt both too exhausted to clean it up and too much of a neatnik to leave it
- The times I got impatient with my kids because they kept asking for more snacks
- The times I got irritable with my kids because they just wouldn’t sleep even though they were tired
My battle with my identity stemmed from shame: I’m supposed to be a wonderful mother, and I’m failing. Other moms get it right. My kids deserve better than me.
Your True Identity as a Mom
We experience a metamorphosis
When we become mothers, we change. Much like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, we too undergo a metamorphosis that changes us at a cellular, hormonal, and psychological level.
Yet just like the butterfly still holds the same cellular blueprint as when it was a caterpillar, so we too have passions, interests, and desires from our “Caterpillar Days.”
It’s not that in motherhood we’re losing an identity; it’s more that we’re transformed into something new that still holds parts of the old. Think of it more like an addition rather than a subtraction.
For me, those Caterpillar Days revolved around books. I’ve always loved reading, but I was so exhausted the first three months after my first daughter was born that I could barely concentrate on a couple of Bible verses, let alone anything longer.
After the newborn phase ended, however, I was soon reading longer passages of the Bible and sifting through motherhood blogs! While other moms I knew found life by getting out to socialize, I found refreshment at home, reading while my baby slept safely in her crib. Then, when my three kids were all over the age of one, I rediscovered my love for historical romances, cozy mysteries, and Christian nonfiction books.
About a year after having my eldest, I also discovered a love for writing that, while present when I was younger, had never matured into a habit. Now, however, I was writing a blog for mothers, compelled by my desire to help other moms experiencing the same struggles as I had.
Through this slow awakening of old passions and new callings, I realized something profound: This transformation wasn’t random. It was designed to enlarge God’s calling on my life. He was using my unique personality combined with my new role as a mother to encourage, teach, and help others, ultimately by pointing them to Christ.
The other beautiful thing about this metamorphosis is how it deepens our relationship with God. By becoming a mother, I discovered a deeper understanding of His love as my Father.
He has built into our motherhood instinct the drive to protect, nurture, and self-sacrifice for our children as a reflection of His own essence. God is love, and throughout the pages of Scripture, He reveals that deep fatherly love for us, ultimately by giving His Son to save us while we were still sinners.
Our core identity never changes
As much as motherhood is an intrinsic part of who we are, it isn’t our core identity.
As Christians, our identity is based on who we are as children of God. It doesn’t matter whether we’re single or married; childless or moms of eight kids; British, or American; employed or unemployed.
Our identity is in Christ.
- In Christ, we are a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
- In Christ, we are free from slavery to sin. (Romans 6:18)
- In Christ, we are beloved children of God, chosen since before the foundation of the world. (Ephesians 1:4)
Motherhood is a blessing that God gives us to steward this side of glory, but it is not the full story that defines us. Christ defines who we are.
Each time we fail as mothers—and we will—we can return to the arms of our Father and thank Him for His amazing grace. We can thank Him that although we fail, sin, and fall short, He has given us the right to be children of God. We can thank Him that although we battle the flesh, the world, and the enemy, still He has given us the blessing of motherhood.
Ultimately, we can thank Him for using motherhood to reveal Himself as Father and to transform us into the image of His Son.
