The boys were ages 5, 7, and 9 when my daughter and son-in-law brought them home to America—three brothers from Uganda who knew childhood trauma. I love these grandsons even though they don’t carry my DNA.
In the almost 10 years the boys have belonged in our family, my daughter has helped me become more aware of the issues surrounding early childhood trauma through conversations and shared books. I still see the side effects of my grandsons’ ordeal, but I’m also amazed at the healing God has brought about.
To that end, I interviewed several families who adopted children, gleaning insight and practical tips from each. My hope is that this piece will provide some understanding, and inspire ways for you to support and encourage those who are on the frontlines of caring for vulnerable children.
6 Ways You Can Support an Adoptive Family
1. Reach out and connect
“It’s important to connect with people who have adopted and experienced similar challenges,” said one of the moms. “They understand and won’t judge you.”
After their first adoption, one couple approached their church about starting an adoption ministry. They wanted to be advocates and host fundraisers for others who might be interested in adopting. “It was very different with [our second international adoption],” the mom said, “because we had this super web”—a super web she and her husband had helped create.
One mother confirmed the importance of connecting with others who understand adoption concerns. “I think there are people out there who are doing this alone and maybe they think they’re doing something wrong… because it’s hard. It’s nice to be seen and heard.”
2. Offer specific support
International adoptions can be expensive. One couple acknowledged that, “the financial assistance was huge and made us feel loved and supported.”
One mom suggested to, “look for what brings you joy and give in that way. Are you an organizer? Then organize a small fundraiser. Are you good at planning kids’ activities? Then take their kids to the park with a picnic lunch and squirt guns.”
“Our church hosts a monthly Respite Night,” noted an adoptive mom. “They provide dinner, crafts, and games for the kiddos. It’s such a treat for us to get away for a few hours as a couple, because babysitting these days is super expensive.”
“In the beginning, there was plenty of support with the expense of international adoption, and with clothing and food,” one mother said. “But nobody has offered to help in a very long time. It would be nice if there was some sort of respite care—even now that the kids are older.”
“One of the life groups at our church gave us a $500 grocery card,” said a mom. “It was super practical and generous. But more than that, it made us feel so loved.”
A couple with three newly adopted kids told of how members of their church purchased backpacks and filled them with supplies. At the time, the district provided a list of school supplies for the year that tallied to about $200 per child. “What they did was huge.”
An adoptive mom suggested asking families about their stories. “And then just listen. Because the story means something to the person you’re asking,”
When it comes to offering support, “You can’t be passive,” another adoptive mom said. “It helps to be specific. Like, ‘What night can I bring dinner?’ Or, ‘Can I pick up your kids for a scavenger hunt in our backyard?’”
3. Engage older siblings
Focusing on older child[ren] when a new child arrives offers a three-way blessing: to you, the child, and the parent.
“When our older kids got invited out—a playdate at the park, or pizza—it made them feel special since the new child was needing extra attention from us.”
A few ideas, depending on the season and age of child[ren]:
- An afternoon or evening of games at your house w/ fun prizes
- Lunch and backyard water play (a slip ‘n slide, or a good old fashioned sprinkler)
- Cookie baking or gingerbread house decorating
- A visit to a nearby park followed by ice cream or frozen yogurt
- Afternoon matinee complete with popcorn—at the theater, or at your home
4. Be understanding of behavioral issues
One adoptive mother wished people could understand that acting up unexpectedly was normal for kids with trauma. “It’s not the foster/adoptive parents’ fault,” she said. “When a child is taken from their parents, they’re going to act out because they’re absolutely terrified. Even if the situation they’ve been taken from involved neglect or abuse, it’s what they knew.”
5. Allow the child space to grieve
Grief is a normal process for adopted children.
“It feels like my skin is ripped off my heart because I miss my birth mom so much,” a child once told his adoptive mom, even though he’d lived with his forever family much longer than he’d lived in the orphanage.
“We had to learn a lot about how adopted kids need to grieve the loss of their biological family,” said one couple. “Even if the child seems well-adjusted, it would be helpful for friends and family to understand that grief is part of their journey.”
6. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer
One family recruited prayer warriors. “It was a huge thing as they prayed for everything—the process of adoption, the travel out of the country. Everything.” This adoptive mom reminded me that we should never underestimate the power of prayer. “Prayer is so powerful, and we do not give it enough respect.”
From her place of sorrow after losing two of their three adopted children to drugs and alcohol [the children had re-connected with their bio families as young adults], one mom said, “I look at families in church who are adopting now, and I pray for them.”
Dear Adoptive Families: Would You Do It Again?
When asked this question, one of the moms hesitated. “It depends on the day.” And then she added, “I’m joking… but not. Sometimes I question if we did the right thing for our original family and in the best interest of the boys [from an international country].”
“Their worldview is changed because of our family’s adoptions,” an adoptive dad said. “Our children think of adoption and kids with special needs as typical. Part of the reward is being stretched and grown and humbled in ways I didn’t expect.”
Another couple agreed that the reward was seeing firsthand the change in their children. “We saw children who were scared and neglected [now] relaxed and thriving. We saw children who were destined for failure succeeding in life skills.”
Bottom line, according to an adoptive mom: “If God has called you to foster or adopt, then he will equip you.”
***
Heidi, my niece, spoke at a TEDx event in California. She reported the statistics and the need for foster/adoptive families, and then challenged listeners: “If you’re not able to foster or adopt, then what’s in your hands? How can you use it to support and encourage those families who are caring for vulnerable children?”
She gave the example of her sister, Angie, who loves to cook and regularly delivers a hand-crafted meal to a family with foster children.
What if we could recognize that adopting children who are dealing with the fallout of trauma can be incredibly challenging? What if we could seek to learn more about the effects of trauma, and lean into the uncomfortable? What if we asked them how to pray specifically, or what night they’d like us to bring pizza? What if we asked if we could take their older child(ren) to the park?
What’s in your hand, and what brings you joy? Maybe that’s the thing you can use to support and encourage adoptive families.
